Rays-Phillies World Series: Let the yawning begin

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. -- It's Philadelphia versus Tampa Bay in the World Series. Congratulations to the two teams on a splendid season. Seriously, you earned it. Well done.

Now, excuse me while I go stab myself in the eye.

Will seeing Dick Vitale be the best part of this series? Someone save us from this. (Getty Images)

This World Series has the sexiness of Dick Vitale modeling underwear.

Oh, don't give that look. Unless you live in Philly or Tampa, you're thinking the same thing, hypocrite. Cut the fake outrage.

When Commissioner Bud Selig woke one morning at the beginning of the season, and finished combing his hair and brushing his teeth, I'm sure he looked into the mirror and said: "Please, God, deliver Philly and Tampa Bay for all the marbles and I swear Barry Bonds will never use steroids again."

This is the 2008 version of the White Sox-Astros, Tigers-Cardinals and Marlins-Indians. In other words, gentlemen, start your Xanax.

It's possible this could end up as the lowest-rated and least-watched World Series in modern history. Ratings gold, baby.

This is nothing against the two franchises themselves. There are plenty of good folks in those clubhouses and front offices. There'll also be some stars on display when the series begins this week. The Rays are a good story and the perennially losing Phillies aren't bad either. But that's it. There's absolutely nothing else compelling about this series.

Not even Joe Maddon's Sarah Palin glasses.

That is, unless you count ESPN interviewing Vitale for the 412th time about being a long-suffering Rays fan.

Can't wait for that.

No overly juicy storylines, no hatred between the teams or fans, absolutely no drama at all.

Oh, some in the media will try to create interest but it'll largely be shamelessly manufactured. We'll hear Cinderella or CinderRays over and over and over.

You know a World Series is bad when two of the biggest stars are cowbells and Mohawk haircuts.

The biggest problem is the lack of a villain. Boston would have filled that role perfectly as the Patriots did in the Super Bowl last year. But what can you hate about either of these teams?

Not even the traditionally obnoxious and proudly psychotic Philly fans can generate enough anger to make this series matter. They're a clichéd villain, too easy to despise.

In fact, the most obnoxious fan base in this series might belong to the Rays. One drunken idiot stuck his head in the pressroom after the game and demanded to see a Washington Post columnist whom the fan claimed spelled the name of a Rays' player incorrectly.

Your team just got into the World Series and that's the first thing you do?

I'll also ask this: Just how compelling can the Rays really be when their own fans didn't care about the team for most of the year? For much of the season, Rays fans were a disgrace. Their team won and they acted as if the stadium had been filled with radon.

In early September, after the Rays traveled to Chicago to capture an important series from the White Sox, they returned home to only 13,478 fans in a Tropicana Field that at the time seated 36,048.

More people spear fish in Tampa Bay than go to Rays games.

"It was shocking," Cliff Floyd said at the time of the low attendance. "All you can do is ask, and we've asked. But it is what it is. This city has been asking for a winner for a long time..."

The fans of the Rays ignored them for much of this season.

So why shouldn't we?

Mr. Northeast Bias, you'll call me (not true). Kid Sourpuss (sometimes true). You're all phonies because you know I'm right.

Rays fans celebrated around the stadium for hours after the game ended. They were ecstatic and good for them. Same for Phillies fans.

But they'll be the only people longing for this one.

Can we see reruns of The Steve Harvey Show again, please?