Offseason brings questions; he has answers

So: the World Series. Doppler radars. Missed calls and Belliard-wide strike zones. A worthy champion. "Play Enjoyed By All."

My postseason-genuflection quota now satisfied, I can move on to the question that, for 28 out of 30 baseball fan bases, has been bandied about for the past few weeks: What's next?

Join me in firing up both the hot stove and the hot-stove clichés ("fire up the hot stove!") for a handy team-by-team survey. For the purposes of this exercise, I've ranked them in rough descending order of how peachy each team's fans oughta be feeling about now.

Pat Burrell will take his big bat onto the open market and try to scare up a big payday. (US Presswire)

Philadelphia Phillies: They'll need a righty bat to replace Pat Burrell if he flees via free agency and they can't expect the bullpen to perform as ably as it did this season. Then there's the whole "Ryan Howard should sit against lefties" thing. The Dodgers sure made getting him out look easy.

Meanwhile, and I can't imagine this will ever happen, here's hoping that the World Series triumph doesn't soften the proud, hard Philly fans. Just to be sure, let's dress Michael Irvin up in a Santa suit and parade him around the parking lot before the Cowboys-Eagles game in December and let nature run its ugly course.

Tampa Bay Rays: I root for Rocco Baldelli unabashedly, because it seems unfair that a pro athlete in the prime of his career should be struck by a rare illness that basically makes his body stop functioning. That said, right field is the most logical place to upgrade. They should've grabbed Jason Bay when they had the chance.

Boston Red Sox: Jason Varitek is usually billed as the heart of this Red Sox team. I disagree: He's more like the spleen, something that you'd like to have around but ultimately can do without. Red Sox fans will warm to the concept of organ transplants when Boy Theo picks the Rangers' pockets for one of their catching prospects.

Los Angeles Angels: Jose Arredondo can step into Frankie Rodriguez's shoes, assuming he doesn't wear orthotics in his cleats. There is no available first baseman who fits the Angels' power/patience needs as precisely as Mark Teixeira does, though, so it's time to swallow hard and offer a nine-digit deal. Somebody who could get on base at a 38-40 percent clip in front of him wouldn't hurt, either.

Chicago Cubs: In seven words: Sign Bobby Abreu and bat him leadoff. Given his aversion to backpedaling, they won't ever have to worry about him getting entangled in the Wrigley ivy.

Cleveland Indians: Andy Marte just can't play, and admitting it is the first step toward healing. Grade-A backup catcher Kelly Shoppach is a luxury for a team that's on a budget and could bring back a left fielder or some bullpen depth.

New York Yankees: Maybe they'll offer CC Sabathia $150 million over six years. Maybe they'll buy him a private island in the Caribbean Grenadines or a custard factory. Whatever the cost, they can afford it.

Florida Marlins: Next year's Rays? They should have a backup plan in case Cameron Maybin isn't ready to realize his super-prospect destiny as the starting center fielder. A batting order featuring Maybin, Dan Uggla and Quadruple-A All-Star Dallas McPherson will strike out way too much for anybody to stomach.

Manny Ramirez will get the money he is looking for, from L.A. or elsewhere. (US Presswire)

Los Angeles Dodgers: Manny Ramirez wants lots of money. GM Ned Colletti, anointed a genius after counterbalancing his 206 mind-bogglingly stupid moves with one good one at the trade deadline, has lots of money. A deal shall be reached, because GMs not surnamed Epstein don't have the stomachs to upset the louder, slower-blinking members of their fan bases and local media. To be honest, I can't say I blame them. I want to keep my job, too.

New York Mets: Mets fans have to be feeling the same way Eagles fans felt in February: "If three or four plays had gone differently during the regular season, that could've been us." No matter. Get a closer (Brian Fuentes?), then surround the Reyes/Wright/Beltran core of baseballian aptitude with complementary parts (the Joe Beimels of the world).

Toronto Blue Jays: It would be counterproductive to hire mental patients to scream "be more good!" in the faces of Vernon Wells and Alex Rios for the next three months. Even though the Jays scored plenty of runs in 2008, they should still look to upgrade at both infield corners. That opt-out clause J.P. Ricciardi granted A.J. Burnett looks even more destructive now than it did when he granted it, which is saying something.

Oakland Athletics: Closer Huston Street fits the profile of "proven performer with name recognition that the A's like to trade before he gets too costly," especially with Joey Devine and Brad Ziegler able to handle late-inning duty. They would need a hitter or two in return, as the 2008 edition of the A's were decidedly non-Moneyballish (.318 OBP). A Jason Giambi return could help in that regard, plus he alone is capable of re-duuuuude-ifying the clubhouse. You'd have to worry for the safety of any team that plays Giambi and Jack Cust in the field at the same time, though.

Milwaukee Brewers: It sure didn't take long for the Brewers to return to afterthought status. Sabathia and Ben Sheets are goners, which leaves the rotation undermanned. At least they have legit major-leaguers (J.J. Hardy, Li'l Daddy Fielder) to use as trade bait, rather than the prospect effluvia most teams will be dangling.

Chicago White Sox: In the wake of the painful Ken Griffey Jr. experiment, the Sox need to de-traumatize their beleaguered fly-ball pitchers by bringing in a center fielder who can fetch stuff. Do they have enough offense to get by with a defense-first guy out there?

St. Louis Cardinals: Maybe you trade one of the cheap-ish lefty-hitting outfielders -- slugger/mythic figure of baseball lore Rick Ankiel would be the obvious candidate -- to get a functional regular at either second or short. It's time to stop tempting fiddle-happy skipper Tony La Russa to make super-subs out of inadequate regulars like Felipe Lopez.

Orlando Hudson's golden glove work and occasional pop will fetch him a nice contract. (US Presswire)

Arizona Diamondbacks: They don't have too many positional vacancies, save for second base (once more, with feeling: somebody's going to overpay Orlando Hudson by $20 million this offseason). Maybe they dangle Chad Tracy for some lefty help in the bullpen, and pray some GM wanting to infuse his clubhouse with bonhomie takes Eric Byrnes off their hands. Maybe a sunk-cost-for-sunk-cost deal with the Metsies of Byrnes for Luis Castillo? The money comes out close to even.

Cincinnati Reds: This one's easy: The Reds need a power-hitting left fielder and a center fielder who bears no resemblance skill-wise to Corey Patterson. The team might also consider installing a device in the home dugout that administers a small shock to Dusty Baker whenever a starter approaches 100 pitches.

Minnesota Twins: How did this team win 88 games last season? Their depth chart, headlined by many a Punto and Casilla and Harris, looks like something out of Macabre Utility Theatre. Plain and simple, they need guys at third base, DH and at least two of the three outfield slots who can make violent contact with pitched balls.

Texas Rangers: The Rangers apparently have 32 catchers and 676 high-ceiling sluggers on the way up. Until they develop a single pitcher, I don't want to hear about it. For now, pick up Hank Blalock's option and see if you can pawn him off on a righty-leaning roster.

Atlanta Braves: They want Jake Peavy and they have the dry goods and shiny baubles to get him. Let's not let the Jake-lust distract us from the offensive black hole that is the Atlanta outfield, though. There's work to be done.

Baltimore Orioles: If somebody offers the type of package for Brian Roberts that the Orioles netted for Erik Bedard, they better jump on it, regardless of whether Peter Angelos enjoys his company at corporate functions and holiday dinners. Otherwise, just get Nick Markakis' name on a long-term contract and call it an afternoon.

Houston Astros: Players who can be expected to improve on their 2008 performance: Hunter Pence. Players who can't: everybody else. The Astros lack a single grade-B prospect, much less an elite one, and won't trade any of the three guys in their organization (Pence, Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman) who could net something worth having in return. This gets ugly fast.

Detroit Tigers: Now's the time to trade Magglio Ordonez, who turns 35 before opening day. If the past few years have taught us anything, it's that older hitters don't age too well now that we're past the era of "weight training" and "strict nutritional regimens." Ordonez would be a great fit in Cincinnati or Philadelphia (assuming Burrell leaves via free agency).

San Francisco Giants: They're in the exact opposite situation of most teams, in that they have plenty of starting pitching but little on the positional-player front. They still can't deal a solid rotation contributor like Matt Cain for anything other than a young, cheap, established major leaguer. I'm not sure that Fielder, whose arbitration-imposed salary will jump into eight figures before too long, qualifies.

Colorado Rockies: Garrett Atkins to the Angels? Matt Holliday to the Red Sox? Both Atkins and Holliday to the Phillies? Consider your 2007 World Series goodwill officially exhausted.

It is almost certain '07 Cy Young winner Jake Peavy will be leaving San Diego behind. (US Presswire)

San Diego Padres: Assuming Peavy is exiled (to Atlanta for a pair of A-list prospects! No, to the Red Sox for Kevin Youkilis and change! No, to Dr. James Andrews' Birmingham spread for a handful of Medicaid vouchers!), they're the clear front-runner for the worst record/least exciting/most harmless trifecta. It's still worth picking up Brian Giles' $9 million option (they'd owe him $3 million if they cut him free), in the hope that he'll waive his no-trade clause and fetch a trinket in return.

Pittsburgh Pirates: They've been rebuilding for 16 seasons -– what's three or four more between friends? I say trade Nate McLouth before the league's dullards realize he's no more than a fourth outfielder. This shouldn't be too challenging, even for the Pirates, given how many teams look bare in center field.

Kansas City Royals: A couple weeks ago, GM Dayton Moore spoke passionately about the importance of on-base percentage. Then he goes out and deals for a no-on-base guy, Mike Jacobs, who occupies a position where the Royals have younger, cheaper options. Remind me again: What did this guy do in his past professional lives to make us think he'd be a responsible team steward?

Seattle Mariners: Unload every position player with more than four years of major-league experience -- even Ichiro, assuming the M's can find some team willing to spend $68 million over the next four years for a 35-year-old singles hitter. What better time is there to make a move that will further antagonize your fan base than after you've spent the past 12 months kicking them in the ribs? Even zealots eventually become numb to the incompetence (I say this with great authority as a Knicks fan).

Washington Nationals: The Nats are like a thick coating of congealed vomit atop a heaping of octopus innards: It's impossible even to contemplate how to begin cleaning the mess up. Manager Manny Acta probably has the most trade value of anyone in the organization.