1. Trade Nate McLouth now: Quick! Go! Stop reading this article and trade him before the few people who don't yet realize he can't play center field get religion!
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McLouth received a Gold Glove because he committed only a single error and made his share of highlight-reel plays. Still, in true Edmondsian fashion, a great majority of these plays were necessitated by a poor read off the bat and then an exaggerated, uniform-soiling dive for the ball. Add to that his running feud with the outfield fence -- McLouth plays balls hit off or around the wall as if they're contagious -- and there's an easy case to be made for shunting him off to a corner as soon as possible.
That is, if his bat is up to the task. McLouth hit much better in 2008 than he did before it, setting career highs in every offensive category that matters and a few that don't. He's a year older, which means he'll get a nice raise in arbitration but not so much that he won't have value to budget-minded teams. If the Pirates can snag a few bona fide prospects for a "proven young All-Star" soon to be exposed as a fourth outfielder, that'd be a nifty trick.
2. Embrace the head case: The gonzo maneuverings of Nationals GM Jim Bowden usually appear in this space under the heading of "cautionary tales," but he stumbled onto something last winter when he dealt for a hothead (Elijah Dukes) and a supposed won't-respect-thy-elders loon (Lastings Milledge). These are precisely the types of high-upside plays that the Pirates ought to be making, especially since such players can be pried away for a price far less than their talent would demand.
Listen, every team would love to win with a bunch of happy rainbow huggyhearts who do good deeds within the community and, whenever possible, refrain from urinating in public fountains. But the reality is that in any group of 25 people in most lines of work, you're going to find a loner, a shrew, an eccentric. That's just the law of averages.
So give me the player who hits like a Manny even as he terrorizes teammates with a steady torrent of pull-my-finger gags. The acquisition in the Nady/Marte deal of one-time superprospect Jose Tabata -- who had antagonized the Yankees organization with his laissez-faire approach to activities not involving a fork or spoon, but settled down upon his arrival in Altoona -- suggests that the Pirates might have the stomach for a few headaches. That's a good start.
3. Find a Yoda to mentor the young pitchers: The Pirates made one savvy move early in the offseason, bringing in pitching coach Joe Kerrigan and his soothing baritone. The natural next step would be to sign a veteran starter who will reinforce whatever Kerrigan is preaching, somebody who will command respect in a semi-advisory capacity and get it through Ian Snell's cement-thick skull that he has to pitch inside every so often.
The guy on the market who best fits this description is Paul Byrd. Forget his numbers, even though he put up a more-than-respectable 4.60 ERA in 30 starts in the big-boy league last season. What Byrd offers is stability and, ideally, league-average performance at a reasonable price. Sounds like a fit.
4. Start rehabbing Pedro Alvarez's rep: If the Pirates rise anytime soon, 2008 first-round draft pick Alvarez will almost certainly have something to do with it. He projects as a monster, a middle-of-the-order brute whose very presence in the on-deck circle will prompt opposing pitchers to shred their own elbows.
Unfortunately, after his contentious contract negotiations -- during which Dark Lord Boras challenged the last-minute deal Alvarez inked with the team and tried to free him from the Pirates' clutches -- the rookie will arrive at spring training with fans conditioned to think of him as a spoiled brat who's easily led. This is easily fixable, much in the way that the A-Rod and Manny Ramirez situations were fixable: Blame it all on Boras. He can take the hit and the kid can go about his basebally business. Separately, I'd give the local beat reporters first dibs on Alvarez's time, because they're best positioned to influence perception among the locals.
Odds of becoming the next Tampa Bay Rays: Eleventeen hundrillion to one? Lord, I'm discouraged. I'm gonna go watch the puppy-cam now or something.
