Some say that we can only learn so much from three or four games. They claim that inclement early season weather frustrates batter and pitcher alike, that bullpen roles can only be defined over time, that lineup combinations must be given a chance to gel. They sneer that overreaction to small sample sizes is emblematic of our no-patience society, intimating that we'd all be better off wearing berets and smoking clove cigarettes in Europe.
Well, those people don't have to write a weekly baseball column. Hence we present the small-samples-big-conclusions, Apocalypse Now edition of the Power Rankings, wherein we lock common sense in the attic and extrapolate recklessly from what we've seen so far.
A single word of advice to fans of all 30 teams: Panic! Ten flail-y at-bats does portend a contact-free season; three low-velocity innings does suggest the existence of noxious foreign bodies in the elbow and shoulder. The teams that performed ably during the season's opening weekend might be in even worse shape, as the law of averages is about to open a can of whup-ass on them and their loved ones.
It's not too early to demand results, refunds and contraction. Hoard your canned goods and pine tar, because you'll be needing them when hellfire (in the form of a Jeff Suppan waiver claim) rains down from the baseball heavens above. Good luck.