Updated Aug. 16
It has come to my attention that MLB players face their greatest threat in years, one that promises to leave them a shell of their former selves. It's not a needle-free test for HGH, nor some kind of cross-continental tracking technology designed for use by wives and significant others. No, the scourge that threatens to destroy MLB players, or at least their palms, knuckles and forefingers, is pointy objects.
Last week, while attempting to groom the laces on his glove with what law-enforcement officials later described as "a pair of scissors," Milwaukee hurler Chris Narveson sliced open his left thumb. Just days later, either while snacking or preparing a snack for consumption at a later hour, Yankees starter Freddy Garcia cut his right index finger in a "kitchen accident" involving a "knife." In both incidents, the victim was treated with peroxide, given his choice between a generic Band-Aid and one bearing the likeness of Dora The Explorer, then released.
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Must we wait until a third player is felled before taking action? It's bad enough that a sizable minority of MLB players no longer earns enough money to employ around-the-clock food-tasters (thanks, 111th United States Congress). Now they have to butter their own rolls, and suffer the painful consequences that often come with it?
This is too much to bear. Pointy objects are sharp and pointy, and should thus only be entrusted to those individuals trained and/or licensed to operate them safely (physicians, ninjas, short-order cooks). I ask, then, that you join with me in calling for an MLB ban on pointy objects. Do not let the memories, sacrifices and tiny puncture wounds of Narveson and Garcia be forgotten.