From Pujols to Beckett to Marlins, holiday gift-giving abounds
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| Instead of delivering Boston to the playoffs, Beckett had chicken delivered to the clubhouse. (Getty Images) |
"When you have somebody say, 'We want you to be a Cardinal for life' and only offer you a five-year deal, it kind of confused us."
-- Deidre (Mrs. Albert) Pujols
"Merry Christmas, I don't wanna fight tonight."
-- The Ramones
Holidays were once so eggnog-simple. Everyone watched Frosty the Snowman. We left cookies out for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. Christmas lists were filled with simple things like Detroit Lions pajamas and new Hutch ball gloves.
Now, look. Waist-deep in the digital age, and Santa's list has been hacked. He's checked it once, checked it twice and we absolutely know who's been naughty and nice. It's already out there on an Internet site -- ours!
Mickey Hatcher, Angels hitting coach: A bigger hard drive to store congratulatory emails that soon will be piling up, telling him what a genius he is with a certain new bat in the middle of the lineup.
Albert Pujols: Family pass to Disneyland ... and a rack of St. Louis-style ribs for Christmas dinner.
Yu Darvish: A 10-gallon hat, map of Texas ... and an air conditioner.
Jose Reyes: A slick new barber. Or a new Marlins team rule allowing him to keep those nifty dreadlocks. C'mon Marlins, Free Jose's Hair! It's not like you're the 1970s Cincinnati Reds. Yet.
Dan Duquette: Brand new iPhone 4S for the new Orioles general manager, so next time he dumps scouts -- six of eight pro scouts were demoted last Thursday -- he can actually phone them himself instead of ordering an underling to do the dirty work. Personal touch, you know, never hurts. Bad start for Duquette's changing his cold and aloof rep from his previous life in Boston.
San Diego Chicken: Life-size poster of Josh Beckett.
Josh Beckett: Year's supply of Kentucky Fried Chicken, delivered.
Bobby Valentine: Year's supply of patience, practiced.
Prince Fielder: Lifetime's worth of (dinner and home) plate discipline, preached.
Los Angeles Dodgers: A new owner. A new owner who is single. Or, one with a very, very, very solid marriage. And no full-time chauffer.
Ryan Braun: An exquisite, airtight, foolproof, honest explanation ... followed by 162 games played in 2012. Say it ain't so, Ryan.
Tony La Russa: Happiness in retirement, and new homes for every stray in the building -- ARF!
Ozzie Guillen: Lifetime Twitter account and, for his new life in Florida, a complete collection of Carl Hiassen novels.
Rally Squirrel: A new Cardinal as loyal as Octavio Dotel, who clutched a stuffed squirrel throughout the postseason. And a stash of nuts to get through the winter.
Barry Bonds: New pool, fully stocked bar and DirecTV while under house arrest. Because he'll have it so rough in that Beverly Hills mansion.
Don Mattingly: New pair of ballet slippers after he wowed 'em back home in Indiana. Seriously.
Heath Bell: Lots of ninth-inning leads in Miami ... and a new Raclette set.
New York Mets: Gift cards. Lots and lots of them. Can a brother spare a warm meal and a live arm or two?
Theo Epstein: Cheezborger, cheezborger, cheezborger ... and no Coke, Pepsi, at the Billy Goat Tavern. A mask to better disguise himself in that Chicago Starbucks when things aren't going well ... and a cape for his Boy Wonder, Jed Hoyer.
Hanley Ramirez: Brooks Robinson Starter Kit for third basemen. And a smile. And some humility.
Anthony Rizzo: First base, open, anywhere.
San Diego Padres: A promotion from Triple-A, which they've become to the rest of the majors in supplying others with both players (Adrian Gonzalez, Heath Bell, etc.) and executives (Hoyer, Jason McLeod, etc.).
Barry Larkin Election to the Hall of Fame in balloting that ends Dec. 31. (Election results announced Jan. 9.)
Mat Latos: A parachute to slow those fly balls in Great American Ballpark.
Alex Rodriguez: Lifetime supply of popcorn, hand-fed to him not by Cameron Diaz, but by his real true love.
Carlos Zambrano: His very own original Motown recording of Ain't No Mountain High Enough as he re-dedicates himself to the game by climbing mountains and running on beaches. ("Preparing like when I was a rookie," he told MLBTradeRumors.com.) The Cubs might settle for him to simply stop being so loco.
Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves: A September in 2012 that would ... make the Tampa Bay Rays and St. Louis Cardinals proud.
Joe Mauer: Fast-pass access to the Yellow Brick Road as he bounces back in 2012 to avoid the perception of being too much like this guy. Upcoming season is pivotal for the 2009 AL MVP whose reputation was bruised as badly as his body during a forgettable 2011.
New York Yankees: A tabloid headline or two. Something. Anything. It's so quiet in the Bronx, you can hear the echoes of Billy Martin and George Steinbrenner shouting at each other.
Rally Monkey: Email address of St. Louis' Rally Squirrel so the Monkey will know what pleases Pujols.
Kirk Gibson: Shortstop Stephen Drew at full strength after that awful ankle injury last summer. "Gibby is watching" says the Diamondbacks' winter promotional campaign, complete with cool pictures of a classic, hard Gibson stare. A healthy Drew would really be worth watching.
Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels: First baseman Ryan Howard at full strength sooner rather than later following an equally awful injury in October. Otherwise? Santa already delivered Jimmy Rollins to the Phillies.
Carl Crawford: His game back.
Miami Marlins: Actual fans to go with the new stadium.
Bryan Stow: Health, happiness and every blessing.
All of our readers: The best of the holiday seasons, filled with family and laughter, and peace, love and understanding.
