When baseball announced the rosters for the inaugural World Baseball
Classic last week, public reaction reached levels of excitement -- nay,
lawless hysteria! -- unseen since the 2003 NCAA women's volleyball
semifinals.
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Yep, Jacque Jones will be a real shot in the arm for the Cubs offense.
(Getty Images)
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So as we wait with bated breath to see whether A-Rod can secure the
Honduran citizenship that would allow him to further dramatize team
selection, we figured it couldn't hurt to take a look at something that
actually matters: namely, the glut of offseason a-doin's and
a-happenin's.
We won't pass judgment on anybody's 2006 chances -- we'll hold our
predictions until after the Classic claims the ulnar collateral
ligaments of the pitchers who were bullied/shamed into participating.
For your convenience, however, we've identified three easy-to-glean
categories: winners, losers and Royals (like the losers, but dumber). If
your teams don't appear on the list, they are either irrelevant or
hopelessly dull. Adjust expectations accordingly.
Winners
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Damon
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New York Yankees: Obviously the addition of
Johnny Damon doesn't hurt, except emotionally. They'd have been
better off gently lobbying
Derek Jeter,
history's only Gold Glove shortstop with the lateral dexterity of a bar
stool, to accelerate his inevitable move to center or left. The stars
are aligned for lots of 16-run seventh innings and just as many throws
that trickle into the infield with the intensity of an old man's
midnight visit to the can.
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Thome
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Chicago White Sox: If
Jim Thome
stays healthy -- a qualification akin to "if frogs learn to crochet" --
he provides left-handed pop and the best sports paunch this side of John
Daly. GM Ken Williams has done an awful lot over the past 18 months to
change his rep as the trade-happy Tina Turner to Billy Beane's Ike.
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Bradley
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Oakland Athletics: They inked
Jay Witasick
and Esteban Loaiza before the market exploded for relievers and
starters, plus added "personality" in the form of talented
Milton Bradley, who is to clubhouse relations what
nitroglycerin is to tire fires. Gosh, there's probably a pretty good
book waiting to be written about the way these guys go about their
business.
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Lo Duca
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New York Mets: Vendors at the hotel that hosted the winter
meetings had to be pretty psyched every time they saw Metsie GM Omar
Minaya wandering in their general direction. At any moment, he might
have decided he really, really, really had to have a pretzel, then
impulsively paid $52 for it. Prediction: Overrated backstop
Paul Lo Duca won't truly make Mets fans forget about
Mike Piazza until he proves he can encounter
Roger Clemens without whimpering and retreating into a fetal
curl in the corner of the dugout.
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Wilson
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Houston Astros: Fiscal sanity is underrated. Parting ways with
the aforementioned Mr. Clemens (likely only until May 1) and
Jeff Bagwell (using a rusty weed wacker) might not play well in
the tabloids ... but Houston doesn't really have any tabloids, does it?
For one of the nation's largest cities -- both by the numbers and on the
scales -- Houston sure feels like a minor-league joint from time to
time. Anyway, the team'll survive the departures and maybe even score a
few runs, assuming
Preston Wilson brings
his A bat and C-minus knees.
Losers
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Burnett
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Toronto Blue Jays: Everybody has a friend who suddenly comes into
a spot of money, then spends the next few weeks snapping up unnecessary
trinkets (bread makers, girlfriends, etc.). And so it was that lapsed
moneyballer J.P. Ricciardi celebrated ownership's newfound profligacy by
meting out five-year deals to fellow first-name abbreviants
A.J. Burnett (mediocre outside his spacious former home park)
and
B.J. Ryan (two good seasons in a
zero-pressure environment, plus a throwing motion as fluid as a manual
transmission). Then the
Troy Glaus and
Lyle
Overbay deals left them with a gaggle of corner-infield statues
at the cost of their pitching depth and up-the-middle defense. This ends
badly.
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Epstein
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Boston Red Sox: I don't pretend to understand the psyche of Red
Sox Nation (talk about a project practically begging for American
Psychiatric Association consideration), but I'm a little curious why
Theo Epstein was so easily forgiven. He bails on a team in transition at
the height of the free-agent frenzy, and yet still somehow returns
months later with his wonderboy bona fides intact. I wonder what he'd
have to do to get Sox fans to turn on him. Paint pinstripes on the Green
Monster? Vote Republican?
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Spivey
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St. Louis Cardinals: So wait -- I thought teams were supposed to
stop spending
before they moved into a new park.
Juan Encarnacion and
Junior Spivey
could be the answers, but only if the question is, "No, come on,
seriously -- who do you really plan on playing in right and at second,
seriously?"
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Casey
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Pittsburgh Pirates: Marquee addition
Sean
Casey might be the nicest fella on the planet. He might always
have a kind word for friends and strangers alike. He might spend his off
days darning booties for floppy-eared puppies orphaned by Hurricane
Katrina. On the field, however, he's not -- what's the word I'm looking
for? -- good. Franchises that factor personality into their player
evaluations tend to be the ones for which 80 wins seems as unattainable
as Shakira.
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Gordon
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Philadelphia Phillies: They gave three years to
Tom Gordon, last seen frantically attempting to disconnect the
bullpen phone during the 2005 playoffs, and spent the offseason trying
to deal low-key
Bobby Abreu, loathed by
Philly fans owing to his ostensible affection for Santa Claus. The
team's starting third baseman remains
David Bell,
recently reclassified by taxonomists as an inert gas.
Royals
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Colletti
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Los Angeles Dodgers: Let's see ... you take career shortstop
Nomar Garciaparra and move him to first base, which is where
you were going to move second baseman
Jeff Kent,
who currently turns double plays with the grit of a high-heeled
debutante trying to flag down a cab. Then you add third baseman
Bill Mueller, whose knees can no longer accommodate the act of
bending, and whose addition to the infield miasma effectively pushes the
team's one legit fielder (gimpy-'til-June
Cesar
Izturis) into positional purgatory. Not unlike an elephant
attempting to mate with a ceiling fan, the parts don't fit. On the plus
side, new GM Ned Colletti boasts a once-in-a-lifetime baseball mustache;
this generation will someday speak of its sturdy magnificence in the
hushed, awed tones with which its parents discuss the facial-hair
typhoon that was Al Hrabosky.
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Tejada
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Baltimore Orioles: I'm not sure what the Orioles have to do to
convince top free agents to take their cash, but the promise of a free
iPod Shuffle sure seems to have worked well for my friendly neighborhood
bank. Separately, if you believe
Miguel Tejada
wants to stick around after his they-love-me-they-love-me-not two-step,
the Tooth Fairy would like to sell your pet unicorn some
meteorite-shower insurance.
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T. Jones
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Detroit Tigers: The odds of
Todd Jones
replicating his 2005 performance are roughly equivalent to those of Mr.
Bean being named undersecretary for veteran affairs. Anybody who says
that Jim Leyland adds credibility obviously wasn't paying a lot of
attention during his short-lived Rockies tenure, during which he did an
uncanny impersonation of River Phoenix during his final days.
Kansas City Royals: Hopeless. Helpless. Pitiable. (Insert your
own synonym here.)
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Wrigley's ivy wall
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Chicago Cubs: OBP black hole
Jacque Jones
isn't worthy of prime real estate at the local landfill, much less in a
major-league lineup. This was a poor offensive team last year and GM Jim
Hendry did nothing to improve it, plus you know that Dusty Baker will
somehow find a way to burn 400 at-bats at the altar of The Execrable
Neifi Perez. The 2006 Cubs are about to find out what happens
when you remove the "lovable" from "lovable losers." Basically, they're
the Devil Rays with fewer prospects and a more vegetative outfield fence.
Larry Dobrow is a freelance writer based in New York and Maxim
Online's regular baseball columnist.
