Assessing the roto possibilities with trade deadline looming
Ryan Church, Washington Nationals: The Nats have been doing everything within their power to retard his growth, short of shackling him to a radiator in the bowels of RFK. Alas, when Soriano goes bye-bye, Church is the best in-house choice to receive at-bats in left field. Of course, we're dealing with Jim Bowden and Frank Robinson here, two fine gents the notion of "leaving well enough alone" has never dawned upon. So Church could find himself in the same playing-time netherworld that he has called home for the past 2½ seasons. This is, as Elvis Costello once warbled, a dirty rotten shame.
Could suffer
Chris Shelton, Detroit Tigers: The team could use another lefty bat in the lineup and there appears to be a few marginally non-vomitous options available (Sean Casey?). Assuming Dmitri Young stays both sane and sober, he's etched in the DH slot in impermeable ink. That leaves Shelton -– "Mr. April" to his owners –- to ride the pine against righties. "Ride the pine" ... put that right up there with "pound the pavement" and "walk the ferret" in the lexicon of phrases that sound a little dirty but really aren't.
Garret Anderson, Los Angeheimian Halo Heathens: The Angels have baseball's best one-through-11 pitching staff, by far, and have scored a few runs since creating a musical chairs Maicer Izturis/Howie Kendrick/Robb Quinlan/Adam Kennedy/Chone Figgins/Juan Rivera rotation among first base, second base, third base, left field and center field. Assuming the team picks up a corner outfielder, somebody's going to have to sit. The only logical candidate: Garrett Anderson, a designated hitter who neither hits nor designates. Loyalty is an admirable trait in a man, but in a manager? Not so much.
Nuthin' doin'
Bobby Abreu, Philadelphia Phillies: To get Abreu, suitors are apparently being asked to pony up a top prospect and a top-dollar contract extension. When you add in the post-Philly debriefing and therapy costs, you've got a financial burden that no team, not even the Yankees, can assume.
Scott Linebrink, San Diego Padres: In both the real world and roto leagues that count holds, Linebrink has ranked among baseball's more valuable pitchers over the past few seasons. He doesn't cost a lot, and the Padres aren't exactly loaded in middle relief, so why would they deal him for a third base stopgap like Wilson Betemit or anything short of a legit bat? A proposal: Anybody who creates a totally nonsensical trade rumor should be forced to share a boudoir with a post-barbecue John Madden.
Dave Littlefield, Pittsburgh Pirates: Littlefield, the Pirates GM/resident slugwit, has several moderately appealing spare parts with expiring contracts to deal off: Craig Wilson (Yankees?), Roberto Hernandez (Giants?), Joe Randa (Padres?), Jeromy Burnitz (the CBS SportsLine softball team?). I've been told, however, that he's slightly more difficult to deal with than a 2-year-old on a cake-frosting bender, demanding A-list prospects for his C-list trinkets. If he can't get even a meager return on these guys and Sean Casey, firing is not a severe enough fate for him. Maybe somebody could follow him around with a radio tuned to local pundits discussing the Pirates' record under his watch?
Irrelevancies
Rodrigo Lopez, Baltimore Orioles: You might be a dingbat if ... you consider Lopez, he of the 6.73 ERA and molasses-slow fastball, the cure to what ails your rotation. You might be a redneck if ... as a fan of the team who deals for him, you celebrate the acquisition by packing your lower lip with chaw, firing your pistols into the air and composing a mash note to Lee Ann Womack.
Livan Hernandez, Washington Nationals: Just like Lopez, but at least he comes with something of a winning pedigree. Of course, that was nine years, roughly 32,000 innings and one famously distended strike zone ago. Why most of these contenders can't see that the Livans and Rodrigos of this world aren't likely to perform appreciably better than whatever Pop Tart they have stashed away in Triple-A is beyond me.
