Throw clueless GM Littlefield off Pirates' sinking ship

The Pittsburgh Pirates might be one of baseball's two or three franchises truly beyond resuscitation, and I can tell you why in three words: Dave Motherbleepin' Littlefield.

Jose Bautista and the Pirates need some serious help to return to the glory days of the 70s. (Getty Images)

In his five tragic years as the team's executive zookeeper, Littlefield has committed the following offenses against common sense, among others: dealing away Aramis Ramirez for a bag of hair, dealing away Jason Schmidt for a bag of combs, prematurely giving up on Bronson "Brandon" Arroyo, and tying up the team's admittedly limited resources in negligible vets like Joe Randa, Jeromy Burnitz and Benito Santiago.

Even when he has a good idea in theory -- ditching some spare parts at the trading deadline -- Littlefield finds a way to louse it up. In exchange for Craig Wilson and his perfectly operable bat, he received Shawn Chacon, who would have been cut by the Yankees within 48 hours. Too, he chose to include Oliver Perez -- who, despite his strike-zone allergies, remains a 25-year-old lefty who throws 96 mph -- as a throw-in in the deal that sent Roberto Hernandez to the Metsies

So naturally, the Pirates granted Littlefield a contract extension through 2008 last April. Hence this exercise is futile, as the team can't expect to escape the shackles of Littlefield's intellect-challenged stewardship anytime soon. Nonetheless, let's try to ... Save This Franchise!™©®

Short-term outlook: Not as woeful as you'd expect, owing to the happy circumstance of their placement in the NL Central (motto: "Got wins?").

As it stands today, the Cardinals have two starting pitchers under contract; the Astros are at their $85 million-ish payroll ceiling without having replaced Roger Clemens or Andy Pettitte; the Reds have decided to lavish actual, legal U.S. currency on rickety trinkets like Alex Gonzalez and Mike Stanton; the Cubs project to get on base at a .320 clip; and the Brewers have hitched their wagon to Ben Sheets' intermittently functional right arm.

Think that could-be teams in the AL East (Toronto) and Central (everybody except Kansas City) wouldn't mind a little divisional reclassification? If everything breaks exactly right for the Pirates -– health, player development, etc. -– they could win 85 games and possibly the divis ... sorry, I couldn't get the rest of that sentence out without giggling.

Assets: Call them the Gang of Four: righty Ian Snell (169 strikeouts in 186 innings in 2006) and lefties Zach Duke, Tom Gorzelanny and Paul Maholm. Durability could be an issue, and none projects as a top-o'-the-rotation guy. Collectively, however, they earn about as much as Carl Pavano does in the .85 seconds between when he decides to get out of bed and when he falls off the mattress, shattering his tailbone. In the current economic climate, they are prized commodities to be treated with the utmost respect.

Third baseman Freddy Sanchez's double-happy ways should have earned him a nickname (Freddy Two-Bag?) by now. Jason Bay might be one of the five or six best-rounded outfielders in the game. How catcher Ronny Paulino didn't receive a single Rookie of the Year vote is beyond me; he proved he could handle the heat, so he stayed in the kitchen. Or something.

Liabilities: Um, Littlefield. Neither middle infielder can hit much, second baseman Jose Castillo's out-of-nowhere May power spasm notwithstanding. As promising as the young arms might be, there's not a can't-miss guy in the group. The Pirates might be the only team in the majors without a legit power bat at first base, third base, and right field -- and no, I'm not counting Xavier Nady as legit until he stops cowering at the sight of right-handed hurlers.

Totally non-helpful and semi-realistic suggestions:

1. See what Mike Gonzalez might fetch on the trade market. Yes, he pitches with his left hand. Yes, he throws hard. Yes, he seems to have the cojones necessary for late-inning success (as opposed to, say, Kyle Farnsworth, last seen clutching his blankie in a Comerica Park boiler room). But the Pirates have a two-fer of competent, semi-cheap lefties in the pen (Josh Grabow and Damaso Marte), plus a suitable ninth-inning replacement in righty control freak Matt Capps (that is, if skipper Jim Tracy didn't fry the guy by having him warm up in 312 consecutive September games). Gonzalez's elbow and inconsistent control might scare off a few suitors, but this is a market in which 36-year-old lefty middlemen are getting three-year, $12 million deals. Somebody will bite.

2. Turn some of that lefty starting pitching into a lefty-hitting corner slugger. There have been rumblings about a deal that would send Maholm to the tropical humidor that is Coors Field for budding slugger Brad Hawpe; you jump at this deal if the Rockies will do it. Dialing around might not be a bad idea, either. Would the Reds be willing to trade whiffy, cost-certain slugger Adam Dunn to a divisional foe? Would the Rangers discuss Mark Teixeira for a package of arms? I don't think so, either. Nonetheless, it'll only take a quarter -- I'm guessing that the cut-rate Pirates haven't yet armed their front-office minions with those "cellular telephonic devices" that the kids today seem to enjoy -- to pick up the pay phone and find out.