Speaking as an English major, I pretty much have the authority vested in me to declare the following:
From "free beer!" to "all you can eat," objectively speaking, there remains absolutely, positively no better phrase in the English language than "pitchers and catchers report."
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| Barry Bonds will be chasing the HR record while the Feds chase him. (Getty Images) |
And as far as you can see, visions of summertime and baseball nights dance on the horizon. Why, from here all you need to do is hit the "print" button and follow us to Florida later this week and, no matter how much snow is out your window, your winter is as good as finished.
Promise ... and this year, our friend, the esteemed groundhog -- who predicts an early spring -- backs me up on that. ...
Best spring stories
1. Camps to proceed uninterrupted this year: With no World Baseball Classic scheduled this spring, there can be no griping or excuse-making. Johnny Rocket Arm will not be taking a two-week leave of absence from your favorite team to go pitch for the Netherlands, so you don't have to take precious time away from work and the NCAA Tournament in March worrying that your hardball team's April will be sabotaged by a pitcher who didn't get enough work in. And if you're spending hard-earned money to visit spring training, you won't show up at Legends Field, ticket in hand, only to learn that Derek Jeter is off fighting the good fight against Italy rather than taking his Grapefruit League at-bats against the Pirates' 'B' team.
2. Barry Bonds: Sorry, no getting away from it. He starts the season only 22 dingers from blowing past Hank Aaron for baseball's all-time home run record. But he also starts the season with the knees of an 80-year-old. We can safely say this: Never before in baseball history has a prospective home run king chased a major record while being chased by the Feds. As Clyde Barrow of Bonnie & Clyde fame once wrote in a letter to Henry Ford praising the automaker's vehicles, "even if what I do isn't strickly (sic) legal. ..."
3. Boston is turning Japanese: First day of Red Sox camp will be a study in Ringling Bros. when pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka begins throwing to Jason Varitek or Doug Mirabelli or some minor league catcher wearing No. 93, with Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett chucking it right beside him. Psst, if you're traveling to Fort Myers, Fla., and looking for autographs, you might have a better chance of catching Matsuzaka at Fort Myers Beach than at City of Palms Park -- given the rigorous workouts to which the Japanese players are accustomed, this spring might seem like a vacation to Matsuzaka. Hey, as long as he's ready to go on opening day, the Red Sox have a chance to have one of the better pitching staffs in the AL. And we can't wait for Matsuzaka's first matchup against the Yankees and Hideki Matsui in late April.
4. The Cubs: Groundskeepers will be extra busy in Arizona attempting to keep the field clear of loose change and dollar bills when the Cubs crank it up. In new manager Lou Piniella, slugger Alfonso Soriano, pitcher Ted Lilly and many others, the Cubs dropped almost $300 million onto their renovated roster this winter. But the more things change, the more they remain the same: Despite the new coat of paint, the health of Mark Prior remains possibly the biggest key to the Cubs' season. The Cubs, with Prior reaching his potential, are a whole different team than they will be with Prior sitting on ice. Again.
5. The Yankees and A-Rod: Where to from here? If this were a children's book, it would read something like this: A boy named Alex didn't live up to expectations in New York." He was soooo sensitive that he kept making mistakes on and off the field because he was trying too hard. The boy just could not relax. He kept trying to please too many people, and in a city as big as New York, that is impossible. He needed Stuart Smalley around him 24/7 to keep whispering into his ear, 'Alex, you're good enough, you're strong enough, and doggone it, people like you.' But Smalley was off fighting the mean Republicans and couldn't help Alex. So Alex set off on his own with the intimidating Yankees for one last try. ..."
That last try is now, especially because A-Rod can opt out of his contract, ala J.D. Drew, following the 2007 season. So if he winds up batting eighth in the postseason again, the Yankees will encourage him to take a hike. And if he plays well, he likely will opt out because maybe he can make more money elsewhere. Bottom line: This has been a rocky relationship from the start, and even if every day was Valentine's Day, there still would be a shortage of hearts and flowers between A-Rod and the Yanks unless they win it all.
6. Roger Clemens: Now it always is Valentine's Day when romantics think of the Rocket's days with the Yankees. Will there be more? Or will Clemens decide to return to Houston, or even Boston? The story of Clemens galloping in to save the day for someone midway through the season has become as tired as anything involving Anna Nicole Smith, but until Clemens learns the meaning of the word "retire", such is our lot in life.
