Detroit Tigers

Power Rankings

Date	Ranking	Previous
01/26/2012	4	3
Good business: They might've paid retail for Prince Fielder, but it was nonetheless one of the biggest moves of a huge offseason. See, the italicizing is funny because Prince Fielder outweighs most things that are big and huge, like trees or Yetis. Jokes are funny! Bad business: As is well documented, I hate the Tigers, their players, their management, General Motors, the MC5 and every municipality that starts with the letter 'D.' So let me point out that they're planning to trot out four should-be DHs on defense, a OBP-free top two in the batting order and a closer who might as well change his name to "T. Regression Candidate." Prognosis as of 11:14 a.m. GMT on Jan. 26, 2012: The other four AL Central teams have already scripted their concession speeches.
10/31/2011	3	4
2011 eulogy: They owned September like no team has ever owned a month. In fact, September should be renamed in their honor. The revised second-half calendar would go July, August, AWESOME TIGERS, October, etc. Offseason to-do list: Import a second baseman with OBP/leadoff skills -- think Brian Roberts, but with wits and ligaments intact. Granted, there aren't a lot of available 2Bs worth having ... Banish Austin Jackson to a spot in the batting order where his lack of OBP and inability to suppress the impulse to swing won't screw up the offense, like 12th or 13th ... Gently suggest to Jim Leyland that it might not be a bad idea to rest Alex Avila once or twice over the course of the 2012 season. Odds of achieving Cardinals-like glory in 2012: Cabrera-Avila-Martinez and Verlander-Fister-Scherzer is more than most teams have to start with.
09/28/2011	4	4
What went right: On the eve of the regular season, the Supreme Court rejected MLB's plans to move the Tigers out of the AL Central… When the world dealt Brandon Inge lemons, he made lemonade -- which he promptly donated to charity, along with his entire 2011 salary and his flowing blond locks. Compared to him, we're all hypocrite pervert litterbugs. What went wrong: According to JustWeather.com, 8.19 inches of rain have fallen on Detroit and its surrounding suburbs during the last 30 days... Matthew Stafford is still experiencing pain in his throwing shoulder ... Bob Seger can no longer hit the high notes at the end of Night Moves. Regular-season epilogue: All silliness aside, nobody wants to face a team with an ace atop the rotation, a flawless closer and a sluggy lineup core. So yeah, the Tigers might want to stay out of the Yankees' way.
09/20/2011	4	5
Here's my updated list of humankind's greatest achievements: 1. Indoor plumbing. 2. Cell phones and Internets. 3. The Tigers rallying from a three-run deficit in the ninth inning last Wednesday and winning the game in the 10th. 4. Penicillin. ... Tiger fans don't believe in this fancy-shmancy run-differential stuff, so let's talk wins and losses. The Tigers have a 43-43 record outside the AL Central, while the Blue Jays have a 45-38 record outside the AL East. But the Tigers are valiant, decorated beasts of spirit pure and the Blue Jays aren't in the conversation, at least not outside ornithological circles. ... The team's best championship-contender argument remains what it was a month ago, before this Tigers-as-legit-championship-contender nonsense gained momentum: Derrrrrrr! We got Verlander and Miggy! Derrrrrrrrrrr! Maybe that's enough, especially in a best-of-five series, but let's not pretend the gains of the last month have been built on anything other than the corpses of their divisional competition.
09/13/2011	5	8
I shouldn't write about the Tigers, because -- as many of you have astutely noticed -- I am bias [sic] against them. Why, you ask? Because a tiger mauled me when I was a child (by "tiger" I mean "declawed housecat" and by "mauled" I mean "leapt onto my tummy-wummy while I was taking a nap"). So let's turn this week's blurb over to the people who really know where it's at: the e-mailers who disagree with my assessment that the Tigers are a solid team on an impressive streak, rather than a title contender whose thunderous might sends fearful maidens fleeing into the arms of their knights and/or pimps. According to Jamie, "[The offense is] hitting its stride right on time." Roger suggests we take a gander at the stat book, noting that "the Tigers have 5 players above .275," while RJ, via tweet, reminds us that "Scherzer has pitched very well in 3 of his last 4." Finally, Ron ("It is a shame I need to explain baseball to you, Larry") weighs in with, "We play our home games in a park where home runs are earned, not like the joke of stadiums in Boston, NY and Philadelphia." In conclusion, the Tigers are the bestest team in the whole wide basebally world because they're peaking in early September, have a third starter who's thrown mildly OK for three straight weeks, are good at batting average and have to work harder for their home runs at home. Finally, I see the light.
09/06/2011	8	9
Boy, Tigers fans sure are excited about that sweep over the White Sox. Don't anyone remind them about how the team played five long days ago against the Royals, because that'd create a cognitive traffic jam between the ol' ears ... Sure, I'm happy to give more reasons not to believe in the Tigers -- thanks for asking. One: They're nowhere near as locked-in offensively as the whooping fanboys would have you believe. Before the Chisox series, they'd scored 49 runs in the previous 11 games -- which ain't exactly Yankee/Red Sox territory ... Two: Jim Leyland appears to be in the throes of a managerial fugue state. He heaped two more innings onto Justin Verlander's season total on Friday night, despite an 8-0 lead in the sixth inning. He also stacked his lineup with righty hitters against Chisox lefty John Danks, which would've been a fine strategy if Danks' career splits didn't paint him as more effective against lefty hitters than righty ones ... I wish I had the space for more. Sorry. I'll make it up to y'all next week.
08/30/2011	9	9
I've received a bunch of how-ya-like-us-now? missives from Tigers fans in recent days, so let me respond en masse: I don't. Like "ya," that is. The starting pitching behind Justin Verlander remains schizo, the defenders still can't catch the ball and Jim Leyland's batting orders -- specifically their up-high positioning of Delmon Young, who is a pox on the house of OBP -- may well be a cry for help ... Want more? Victor Martinez once hit home runs. Now, he does not ... Anything can happen in a five-game playoff series, especially with a rested Verlander at the helm, but the odds of the Tigers' 2011 campaign ending in a parade are equal to the odds of Ron Paul's campaign ending in a blizzard of confetti. Sorry that I have to be the one to break the news.
08/23/2011	9	13
Through Sunday, the fourth-place team in the NL West had a better run differential (plus-4) than the first-place team in the AL Central (plus-1). I'm not saying the Padres are a better team than the Tigers, but the gap between them is far, far, far smaller than the one between the Tigers and the Red Sox, Yankees or Rangers. ... Tigers booster: "Just look at our record against the Rangers!" Tigers doubter: "Just look at your record vs. the Mariners!" Nobody wins this argument; it isn't didactic to draw conclusions from a trio of three-game series… Magglio? More like "BAD-glio"! Am I right? Am I right? ... Er, I should probably close on a positive note. That Austin Jackson throw? Sweet.
08/16/2011	13	12
A trade for Delmon Young, eh? That'll solve the team's outfield-directional-impairment issues. Best regards to Austin Jackson, who now inherits defensive responsibility for the entire landmass between foul poles ... Et tu, Leyland? Last Tuesday night, the Tigers and Indians were well into extra innings, but Jose Valverde hadn't yet found his way into the game. Why? Because you can't use an Officially Designated Closerâ„¢ on the road in a tie game. After all, the Officially Designated Closerâ„¢ might hypothetically be needed to protect a lead at some point in the indeterminate future. Guess which team never took the lead? I gotta add this to my list of "things to stop thinking and writing about," right alongside global geopolitics and the physics of sand castles, because it never fails to provoke a migraine.
08/09/2011	12	13
I'm running out of best-team-in-the-AL-Central analogies. I've already used "tallest midget," "skinniest sumo wrestler" and "brightest Kardashian." What's left? ... Smart move extending the contracts of Jim Leyland and prexy/GM Dave Dombrowski (no relation). To all the hard-core fans clamoring for change, I pose this question: Who do you propose as their replacements? Dombrowski has a tendency to overvalue his own players and Leyland's batting orders don't make as much sense as they once did, but both guys, on a fundamental level, know what they're doing. Don't buy it? Take a look at the executive/manager pairings in the NL Central and get back to me later.