Houston Astros

Power Rankings

Date	Ranking	Previous
01/26/2012	30	30
Good business: They hired a "director of decision sciences," whose first assignment was attempting to steer Carlos Lee past a sumptuous dessert buffet. Bad business: None, really. The new regime didn't understate the enormity of the rebuilding task, which would've been a credibility-deflating first step. Adults are in charge now. Prognosis as of 11:14 a.m. GMT on Jan. 26, 2012: The turnaround will be sloooooooooow.
10/31/2011	30	29
2011 eulogy: "Bad team plays badly" sums it up. Offseason to-do list: Dispense with hopeful chatter about adding rotation depth and able players at no fewer than five positions, and just start from scratch. Trade everyone and everything, including the clubhouse attendants and souvenir ice trays. Odds of achieving Cardinals-like glory in 2012: 110 losses isn't out of the question. Poor Brad Mills.
09/28/2011	29	29
What went right: Down the stretch, they took their let's-ruin-some-other-team's-day responsibilities quite seriously. They played hard and, dare I say, capably, which reflects well on Brad Mills and the kids ... The stall in the ownership-approval process provided a happy distraction from the on-field carnage ... Carlos Lee's stomach fought gravity to a draw ... J.D. Martinez looked as solid in his 2011 debut as Chris Johnson did during the second half of 2010. What? Oh. Crap. What went wrong: Besides the pitching, hitting, fielding, base running, physical preparation, mental preparation, suffocating summer heat and local adolescent-obesity epidemic, you mean? Not much. Not much at all. Regular-season epilogue: The light at the end of the tunnel is a lifelike painting of the sun on a cement wall.
09/20/2011	29	30
Hey, they played the Phillies tougher than the Brewers or Braves did in recent weeks. Which goes to show you: Anyone who draws grand conclusions from the results of a three-game series is an idiot. ... You know that "Love Is..." series of posters, which featured photos of young kids holding hands and kittens totally making out and whatnot? For the final homestand of the season, the Astros should print and distribute a limited-edition collection of "Despair Is..." posters. One of them could feature Carlos Lee wearing a lobster bib and holding his knife and fork in tightly balled fists, another could feature Brett Myers cursing himself purple after surrendering another longball, a third could just be a bullpen group shot. Talk about a collectible for the ages.
09/13/2011	30	30
So wait -- does this Jim Crane guy want out of his purchase of the team or does he just want to wrap it up already? I have a sinking feeling somebody let him see the Astros play before he finalized his bid. "Wait -- you want $680 million for them? I thought you said $68 million. I don't have that kind of coin. Boy, is my face red!" Etc.
09/06/2011	30	30
For all the fun we have at the Astros' expense in this space, they're not an embarrassment. As opposed to a bunch of the teams ahead of them in the rankings, they put forth an honest effort most days, which speaks well for Brad Mills' motivationalismness. They just suck, is all. They're like The Little Engine That Could, if it couldn't. So root for them. Because really, why not?
08/30/2011	30	30
Carlos Lee hustled for the first time this season on Sunday -- cannonballing Belushi-style into second base -- and was rewarded for his effort with a minor ankle injury. To paraphrase a far more learned man than I: "He tried his best and he failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." The Astros should tattoo this across their torsos.
08/23/2011	30	30
Whoo! Astros! Four in a row! Yeah! (Fires six-shooter into air, stereotypical-oil-baron-style). ... After that fourth win, the 'Stros seemed at a loss as to what to do after the final out. They kind of milled about aimlessly, making light conversation about the weather and the stock market. What the celebration lacked in bro-hug theatrics, it more than made up for in cocktail-party conviviality.
08/16/2011	30	30
I watched a bunch of the Astros-Diamondbacks series last week, with the specific intent of finding something positive to say about the Astros -- about a player who isn't cowed by the chronic losing, about Carlos Lee's meticulously calibrated caloric intake, something like that. I'd have gone with "you know, the bullpen isn't all that terrible" until Thursday, when a series of relievers fart-blasted away a four-run lead in the final two innings before handing it over for good in the 10th. It serves me right, searching for goodness in something so obviously bad. As that one psychologist guy may have said: "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar."
08/09/2011	30	30
OK, trivia buffs, prepare to meet your maker: Which of the following wasn't the last name of a player in Sunday's starting lineup for the Astros: Paredes, Shuck, Urckfitz or Corporan? Answer at the end of this sentence, which I'll try to draw out a bit by wondering how long it'll take to restore J.A. Happ's "he just knows how to get guys out!" moxie in Triple-A (best guess: a long, long time) ... Answer to the question: The Astros did not start a dude named Urckfitz on Sunday, though they have one with that very name buried deep in their system (he pitches for the high-A Lancaster JetHawks). Thanks for playing.