Location: Seattle, Wash. | Ballpark: Safeco Field (47,116) | Spring Training: Peoria, Ariz.
Owner: Nintendo | GM: Jack Zduriencik | Manager: Don Wakamatsu | World Championships: 0
Season in seven words: "Better than expected, but still not good." ... Hero: Rookie GM Jack "The Typo" Zduriencik smartly realized that he could only improve the everyday lineup so much, so he focused on defense. At least that kept them competitive ... Loserhead: No pitcher who finished the year with the team besides King Felix threw 100 innings, much less 200. Hard to say if this is an organizational failure or just a bunch of personal ones ... Key need: The Mariners play with a DH and yet they were outscored in 2009 by all but two National League teams. So you tell me ... Prognosis: A step back before they start moving forward.
09/29/2009
16
16
Ichiro has brought great shame upon his house by getting ejected for the first time. No longer can he claim moral superiority over Bobby Cox or Billy Martin. ... In touting Greinke's Cy Young resume, I don't mean to diminish what Felix Hernandez has accomplished in 2009. He's what we (by "we," I mean "basebally-inclined dimwits") all thought he'd be. But saying "you can't go wrong either way" is inaccurate, because you can: By checking off a box next to a name other than Greinke, who even does the little things better (go ahead, try and run on him). Why do I care so much about this? It's been a long season.
09/22/2009
16
17
At first, I thought that Rob Johnson's sprained ankle, incurred during the celebration following Ichiro's game-winning dinger off Mariano Rivera, was the season's silliest injury. But then came word that the Mets lost three players to the DL during their team photo (cornea damage, smiler's jaw and eyelash fissures), and relegated Johnson to the bottom of the top five. Hey, come on. They earned it.
09/15/2009
17
16
The record still doesn't reflect that they're a way-sub-.500 team in terms of talent. They've been outscored by 55 runs this year and their pitching stats are inflated (deflated? whatever) by two guys, Jarrod Washburn and Erik Bedard, no longer in the building. But the Mariners put in a hard day's work every night and the manager seems to have a rational basis for most of his decisions, so maybe I should just congratulate them for the better-than-expected campaign and get out of the way. ... I don't find Ichiro's nine consecutive 200-hit seasons as impressive as the fact that he has managed to stay healthy enough to accumulate those stats. This isn't a guy who plays the game timidly; you'd think a hamstring or tendon would've short-circuited by now. He remains more entertaining than cartoons and football-to-the-groin videos combined.
09/08/2009
16
17
I like Felix. I like the bullpen. I like the defense. I do not like the offense. No, sir, I do not.
09/01/2009
17
21
They didn't get bumped up a few slots due to extraordinary achievement over the past fortnight or a sudden about-face on their middling personnel. No, it's simply because somebody had to be elevated. From slot 17 down, the Power Rankings are populated by dolts, dopes and boobs of varying stripes. The Mariners simply sit atop that particular slagheap. ... What a lovely reception Yuniesky Betancourt got from his old teammates over the weekend. They had the class and restraint to refrain from shouting, "No backsies! No backsies!" until his third at-bat. Hugs all around.
08/25/2009
21
18
I don't care what the record says. This team sucks. ... Oops, apologies for using my inner-person voice. Really, I should've just likened their performance in recent days to air slowly seeping out of a balloon, or a smothering cloud of despair. ... I don't have a Hall of Fame vote, because democracy is better served by my professional disenfranchisement, but I would give Ichiro a first-ballot nod in a minute. ... Brandon Morrow is "in Seattle's plans" for September. This prospect should terrify everyone with an interest in his success, given how the team's plans for the guy have fluctuated by the hour. Morrow's birthday was in July; an appropriate late gift would be gift certificates redeemable at any hospital at which Dr. James Andrews practices.
08/18/2009
18
17
How on earth is this team four games above .500 with that lineup? The situation is so dire, they might as well take a flier on Bill Hall -– last seen berating his bat for its refusal to make contact with AAA fastballs –- once he clears waivers this week.
08/11/2009
17
19
Does Erik Bedard exchange holiday cards with the staff at his hometown MRI clinic? Has he written them into his will? I can't imagine he spends less time with them than he does with his own family ... Unless you have a keen desire to wince, do not Google "lanced boil David Aardsma's ass" ... They're an eye-opening 27-14 in one-run games, so expect a mammoth reversal of fortune in such contests before too long.
08/04/2009
19
19
It's well established that GM Jack Zduriencik values defense more than most mammalian life forms value oxygen, but I don't understand the thinking behind the Jack Wilson acquisition. While I agree that retrieving the ball is an essential component of the game, the Mariners can't seriously be planning on paying Wilson $8 million next year. It's one thing to pick up a no-hit defender for $2 million; it's another to blow a chunk of your (ostensibly limited) budget on a guy who won't save anywhere near as many runs with his glove as he surrenders with his bat. What am I missing?
Preseason Power Rankings
Date
Ranking
Previous
02/16/2009
28
-
But they'll lead the lead in huggy-heart ovations if prodigal son Junior Griffey returns. ... Any at-bats given to a veteran DH would come at the expense of potentially elite masher Jeff Clement, and that'd be the opposite of smart. ... The outfield as currently composed -- Wladimir Balentien, Franklin Gutierriez and Ichiro –- would be historically inept. How long will it be before some great wit coins the nickname "Ichiro-verrated"?... I'd feel much more optimistic about Erik Bedard's return to prominence if he weren't such a -- how can I phrase this articulately? -- giant, wheezing wussbag.
