The Mets hit to all fields in David Wright's All-Star campaign

By Scott Miller | Senior Baseball Columnist

RING! RING!

“Hello?”

“Well hello there, David Wright.”

“Um … who is this?”

“Oh come on, baby. You know who it is. It's Annie Robinson, calling on behalf of Cougar Life. I'm hoping we can discuss the All-Star Game.”

“Again? Annie, that's a month away. I've got games to worry about today. We've got Harvey and Wheeler pitching. Please, you folks need to let me focus.”

“Listen honey. Do you want to start in this little ol' All-Star Game or not?”

“Well, yes, I'd love to. But …”

“We've got to get out the vote, darlin'. We've got to get you into that sexy starting lineup. We don't want those sneaky San Franciscans stuffing the ballot box again this year. I simply can't bear the thought of Panda starting at third base when we cougars could do so much for our hottest cub, Mr. Right.”

“But I don't play for the Cubs.”

“You can play with the cougars anytime. Meow!”

“I think I need to be going now.”

“Really? Because I just checked this week's All-Star results and they aren't going so well. You're more than 100,000 votes behind Pablo Sandoval. He starts, and do you know what's going to happen to television ratings throughout New York? They're going to sink lower than Ike Davis' batting average. Because my friends and I will click off the game and go right back to reading Fifty Shades of Grey.”

“You mean you haven't read that already?

“Aren't you cute? You can always re-read portions of that book when it's, you know, late and you're all alone.”

“Ahem, let's talk about the All-Star Game.”

“Oooh, now you're spraying it to all fields, baby. Why don't you come on over? We'll watch some video of your recent at-bats and devise an election strategy.”

“What?”

“My husband will be back quite late. He should be gone for several hours.”

“For God's sake, here we are, you've got me on the phone and you're inviting me to your home. And is that … Air Supply I hear in the background, for crying out loud? And now you start opening up your personal life to me and telling me your husband will be gone for hours.”

“So?”

“Mrs. Robinson! You're trying to seduce me!”

“Why David, you smoking hot cub … whatever would give you that idea? I'm flattered. But all I'm doing is, I'm just trying to make sure no hanging chad is left on your ballots.”

“What about voting on the Internet? There are no chads.”

“David, David, David. Do you find me undesirable?”

“No. Yes. No! I mean … I think you're the most attractive of all my teammates' parents. I mean …”

“Honey, settle down. You're more jumpy than Ryan Zimmerman throwing to first base. You need to breathe more through your eyelids. And are you wearing those garter belts we sent you?”

“Annie, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Really, I don't. But people are mocking the Mets enough this year. If any of those reporters ever caught me walking through the clubhouse wearing one of those garter belts …”

“(Sigh) … You're probably right. But I really wish Ike Davis and Mike Baxter had tried it. Maybe they wouldn't have been banished to the bush leagues.”

“Look, how about we keep our eye on the ball. Is this about getting me into the starting All-Star Game lineup or what? Things were so much more simple before I ever heard of CougarLife.com.”

“These are the ground rules: I hook up with one All-Star candidate per year and we make sure he gets all the way to home plate, if you know what I mean.”

“It says here that CougarLife.com is ‘the cougar dating site for younger hot men to meet sexy older professional women.' Look, Mrs. Robinson … Annie … I'm not into that. All I want to do is represent the Mets in Citi Field on July 16.”

“Tell me then, David. What are you into? What do you believe in?”

“I believe in Matt Harvey and Zack Wheeler. The jury is still out on Sandy Alderson. I believe in the hanging curve ball, Tom Seaver and the Police Athletic League. I believe in Vitaminwater, sun block, apple pie and Wheaties. And I believe in plastics. The whiffle ball and bat is one of the most ingenious inventions in the history of this country. You?”

“Certainly. I believe double-knit uniforms were heaven-sent to replace those awful flannel things, especially when it comes to the excellent tight, clingy, form-fitting pants. I believe in the essence of velocity, a well-placed change-up and in a well-timed Slump Buster. And, of course, I believe in long, slow, deep, soft wet kisses that last three days. Who doesn't?”

“Oh, my. I believe I must speak with the Mets about which constituencies they hook me up with in this All-Star campaign.”

“Did you say ‘hook up with'? Oooh, baby doll, now you're speaking my language. Remember, this time it counts!”

“Oh, my God! Is that Barry White playing in the background?”

Click.

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