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Jason Collins' former fiancee says she's still hurt and confused

By Royce Young | NBA writer

Collins

Jason Collins' former fiancee says she's still hurt. (@BostonGlobe)

For Carolyn Moos, Jason Collins' landmark announcement in late April was a painful, confusing moment.

Collins came out in Sports Illustrated as the first American professional athlete in one of the major sports, and Moos -- Collins' former fiancee -- said she found out the same day everyone else did.

Writing for the August issue of Cosmopolitan, Moos said Collins called her the day the SI story ran to inform her of his sexuality. However, she says he didn't mention the forthcoming story.

"Jason told me he's gay over the phone on a Monday morning in April, the same day the magazine hit newsstands," Moos writes. "However, he didn't mention the article -- that came as a surprise when I heard about it from a friend."

The two met at Stanford and were engaged to be married, but Collins called the wedding off.

"A month before I was set to marry the man I loved, he called off the wedding. I had no idea why. He and I had been together for eight years. We had planned to have children, build a family. Nearly four years later, I got my answer."

She also recounts the day he called it off:

The day Jason canceled the wedding was surreal. It was July of 2009, and he had just returned home from a road trip with his twin brother, Jarron. I had been living with Jason in Los Angeles for the previous year, ever since our engagement. He told me, "You may want to sit down." I loved this man deeply. He was intelligent, good-humored, handsome, and importantly, taller than I am -- 7 feet. (I'm 6 feet 5 and a former pro basketball player myself.) His words didn't make sense to me, and they hit me hard, freezing my heart. "I'm just not sure," he said. There were no tangible reasons, no explanations.

I opened the front door and ran, my mind spinning with questions. I wanted answers. I'm an analytical person, a planner. I make things work. I wanted to know what was wrong so I could fix it. I thought perhaps something was wrong with me. I kept running until I ran out of breath. When I returned, he tried to calm me, but I couldn't stop crying.

Moos stressed that she still supports Collins but did say that she doesn't entirely agree with how he's handled the situation.

"I empathize with Jason and support him," Moos writes. "But at the same time, I remain deeply hurt by him. I wish he could have been honest with me years ago. I feel like there are two Jasons now -- the man I fell in love with and the man I'm trying so hard to understand. He's being hailed as a pioneer, but I believe true heroism is a result of being honest with yourself and with those you love."

Moos said Collins has not made any attempt to reach out since that original phone call to tell her he was coming out.

"I am sad that the media seems to be a higher priority," Moos writes. "I hope this changes in the coming weeks, as I value open dialogue more than anything."

 
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