Resolutions: Every team needs one

Resolutions are all the rage these first few days of January, made by nearly everyone. Some actually intend to go through with them, while the more realistic among us intend to put on a good show for a couple of weeks and then go on our merry way.

You know resolutions are bogus when Shaq resolutes to be an 80% shooter from the stripe. (Getty Images)

Shaquille O'Neal has resolved to become an 80 percent free throw shooter once or twice. The term resolutions is really a nice way of bargaining, which is why gyms will be crowded throughout the country these next few days, Lean Cuisine platters will be scarce, teens will hit the books harder, books will be read, lists will be made, taxes will get done.

Considering I've opted not to make resolutions this year and am just hoping to see an improved NBA product, I've made one apiece for all 30 teams.

If you must, call them bargains. Even if things go back to normal by February, trying them might result in a few extra wins. Happy New Year.

Atlanta: Promise Josh Smith you're going to give him as much money as he wants come season's end. It might not be the brightest of business practices, but it's good karma given that he's surpassed Joe Johnson as the most invaluable member of a legitimate playoff contender.

Boston: Since Gary Payton has already offered his services and veteran point guards are easier to find than proven big men, it's time for Danny Ainge to start scouting out bouquets and candy for P.J. Brown in time for Valentine's Day.

Charlotte: Sam Vincent must trust that Nazr Mohammed is going to work out as a valuable member of the squad, even if he doesn't fit into the up-tempo attack he prefers. Mohammed is going to be earning a significant amount of jack the next couple of years and needs to feel like he's going to be useful in order to be useful. Getting dropped from the starting lineup barely two weeks after being acquired isn't a good start.

Chicago: Jim Boylan needs to stay committed to running and gunning. The Bulls' depth makes them equipped to flourish in that style and plodding sure wasn't working for them. Boylan's message might allow him to lose that interim tag.

Yes Damon, you should move on and out of Cleveland. (Getty Images)

Cleveland: Get rid of Damon Jones. Anyone who doesn't want to be there is counter-productive given that issues with authority are rampant throughout the organization. Jones is an unnecessary distraction.

Dallas: Avery Johnson needs to promise himself that no matter what happens over the next four months, he'll settle on a starting lineup prior to the postseason and not change it regardless of the opponent.

Denver: Keep the work load on Nene and Kenyon Martin light until after the All-Star break, because they can only do damage to themselves and your chances until then.

Detroit: Promise to provide complimentary shuttles for the media to this year's Eastern Conference finals, because that trip from the Detroit airport up to Auburn Hills isn't pleasant. Complimentary snacks and beverages would be nice.

Golden State: Baron Davis has earned his desired extension, hasn't he? This would fall in line with the karma thing.

Houston: Rick Adelman needs to grow back the beard that makes him look like the human version of Papa Smurf. Why? Why not? Nothing else is working, so what could a little facial hair hurt. Grow it out for a month and hope the players respond.

Indiana: Bans on being out past 3 a.m. are unconstitutional, right? The Pacers should be checking on this.

L.A. Clippers: New calendars for everyone. 2007 was a disaster for nearly everyone in the organization.

No Kobe, don't laugh with Andrew Bynum, laugh right at him. (Getty Images)

L.A. Lakers: Force Kobe Bryant to coax Andrew Bynum's continued development with a few more disparaging verbal assaults. He clearly responds to hearing that he'll never be good enough.

Memphis: The Grizzlies need to take a hard look at their future and decide whether they should be building around Rudy Gay and not Pau Gasol. If they decide Gasol is not part of their plans, there's no better time to trade him than now.

Miami: Retire Alonzo Mourning's number, please. At the very least, that will give Heat fans at least one ceremony to look forward to.

Milwaukee: Re-up with GM Larry Harris. He staked his future on Yi and was clearly right, so it's only fair. Even if the Bucks fail to make the playoffs this season, he's still delivered a global commodity to Milwaukee.

Minnesota: Resolve to win 10 games. At least it's a benchmark.

New Jersey: Make a decision on Jason Kidd by this season's trade deadline. There will be numerous factors in play, from the team's fortunes to whatever deals come in, but like Gasol, there might not be a better time to move him than now.

New Orleans: Make the most of February's All-Star weekend. Not only do the citizens of New Orleans deserve a great party, but the hangover from the basketball fiesta figures to lead right into the stretch run and the postseason.

New York: Pledge nothing. Things are working out smashingly as it is, so why change a thing?

What better year to get Hedo Turkoglu to the All-Star Game? (Getty Images)

Orlando: Launch the Hedo Turkoglu All-Star campaign in full. His play has definitely put him in contention for a spot and given that he's never been this close, it would be a treat to see a nice guy like him get an unexpected nod.

Philadelphia: Commit to rebuilding. Seriously. Hopefully, Ed Stefanski has the right idea, because the Billy King plan has put them in basketball limbo. They haven't been good enough to seriously compete, but haven't been awful enough to hit rock bottom and build through high draft picks.

Phoenix: Pick up an additional piece, be it a big man or a ball handler. The Suns are close and may already have enough, but when you're in the position they're in, do you really want to be left wondering what if?

Portland: Send Chicago a nice note for drafting Tyrus Thomas ahead of LaMarcus Aldridge and follow it up with thank yous to Boston and Minnesota for helping facilitate the acquisition of Brandon Roy.

Sacramento: Finish up plans for a new arena. The interest is there from everyone to get the job done, so now it's simply a matter of crossing T's and dotting I's.

San Antonio: Start working on retirement parties for Robert Horry and Brent Barry. Rumor has it that one last ring would be the perfect present for both.

Seattle: Do something nice for the citizens of Seattle. Even if this is the end of the road, there should at least be some notion of fan appreciation.

Toronto: Ensure that Jose Calderon stays put. With T.J. Ford's future uncertain, he's become more important than ever.

Utah: Just because Jerry Sloan plans on coming back for another season doesn't mean there's no need to plan out where his statue outside Energy Solutions Arena is going to go. One can never prepare too early.

Washington: Don't believe for a second that the franchise would be better off without Gilbert Arenas. Write it down. Memorize it. Repeat it over and over again like a mantra.