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Wake me when the Melo rumor mill stops churning

by | CBSSports.com Columnist
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I'm beginning to think the Carmelo Anthony Hamster Wheel to Nowhere is Comrade Berger's fault.

Or Adrian Wojnarowski's, or Marc Stein's, or Name That NBA Blogger's fault. I don't much care who takes the blame at this point -- I just want it to stop.

No news is no news until Carmelo Anthony packs his bags for something other than a Nuggets road trip. (Getty Images)  
No news is no news until Carmelo Anthony packs his bags for something other than a Nuggets road trip. (Getty Images)  
This is a Brett Favre retirement. This is a Barry Bonds pretrial motion. This is the NFL lockout. This is waiting for Floyd Mayweather.

This is exhaustively stupid.

I know Comrade Berger and the fellas have to chase down every Anthonian lead that rears on its spindly hind legs. That's the gig, after all. It's not exactly lifting tractor motors onto flatbed trucks, but it can be wearying.

But as consumers, we have reached that point with Anthony rumors that we reached with Favre and the Bonds trial and Lance Armstrong and every other story that can't be killed by normal means.

I mean, the weasel who poisoned those trees at Auburn got picked up by the feds within a day of his blabbing his crime to Birmingham radio face Paul Finebaum, but Anthony rumors are now easing toward their third month.

So, yeah, I guess I'm saying we need this to stop, and I'm prepared to call in the feds to do it.

It's hard to get reporters to turn down information, but it may be time to show some inner discipline:

"Hey, Melo is supposed to ..."

"NoNoNoBlahBlahHumDeDumDummmmmmmmmStopItStopItStopIt."

"Yeah, but ..."

"Is he still a Nugget?"

"Yeah."

"Then call me when he isn't a Nugget anymore."

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The Nets are allegedly back in the Melo sweepstakes, and yet owner Mikhail Prokhorov says they aren't, which either means he's a liar or he agrees with the notion that America is Melo'd out. We prefer to think it's the latter, though the former is probably more likely, owners and their relationships with the truth being what they are.

But I want desperately to believe that he is on the square here, because I want Anthony to stay in Denver, at least until I go on vacation. The shelf life on this story has frankly passed.

A lot of it, of course, is the fact that reporters keep contriving new ways to get New York and New Jersey involved, as though those are the only places any right-thinking person would want to play.

And maybe contrive is too strong a word. Maybe this is agent-driven. Or Nugget-driven. But it has driven the rest of us to distraction, and with this new emphasis on stories that last forever, the 24/7 news cycle seems more like a more efficient way to make anthrax than to inform the masses.

We're just at the shut-up point. If he is traded, we'll be too exhausted to pretend to be intrigued by the possibilities any longer. I mean, when the trade is hung up by the idea that Troy Murphy has to be included, it's done being interesting.

But Comrade Berger is an ornery cuss, and so are his compatriots working this story into the thin gray paste it has become. If their stories don't include the phrase, "In a trade that makes us all hate Carmelo Anthony, Denver, New York, the NBA and ourselves ... " we will be ashamed of them all.

In the meantime, we can hope fervently for this to be much more ado about much more nothing. Hell, at this point, we would take Carmelo Anthony announcing his retirement.

By the Favre rules, that means he would only have four more years to get his contract extension.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for Comcast SportsNet Bay Area.com.

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