This is the time of year that even the management of NBA teams can find a trinket or two that they might find useful for the final two-thirds of the season. We have a few suggestions.
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| GM John Paxson needs to take a deep breath and reconstruct the Bulls.(AP) |
Some of them are nice.
All of them are needed (some more than others) and all has been offered in good fun.
So here's a rundown of what we hope they found (and certainly will put to use) wrapped with the holiday paper of their choice.
Atlanta Hawks: New ownership provides one huge oscillating fan to support coach Terry Stotts ... that will be one more fan and leader than the team has provided him during its slide into the abyss.
Boston Celtics: A computer program for coach Jim O'Brien to coordinate the names, faces and stats of his team by the trade deadline.
Chicago Bulls: An oxygen mask to help general manager John Paxson take a deep breath and contemplate how to reconstruct the team Jerry Krause tore apart and failed to rebuild.
Cleveland Cavaliers: A cool and confident backcourt partner for LeBron James -- could that be a healthy Dajuan Wagner?
Dallas Mavericks: Johnnie Cochran, F. Lee Bailey, Pamela Mackey, and well, any other purchasable defense to support their offense.
Denver Nuggets: Fifty pounds of glue, 65 yards of tape, a dozen boxes of plastic screws, a gross of energy bars and 1,000 elastic bands to prop up Marcus Camby for the rest of the season and the playoffs.
Detroit Pistons: A time machine to take us back 12 months to a meeting between owner William Davidson, team president Tom Wilson and coach Rick Carlisle, with president of basketball operations Joe Dumars as the mediator.
Golden State Warriors: A dose of wisdom to let the core of this team grow with coach Eric Musselman -- and a new knee for Nick Van Exel.
Houston Rockets: A point guard who will allow coach Jeff Van Gundy to slide Steve Francis to shooting guard and Cuttino Mobley to sixth man.
Indiana Pacers: A 60-second window to reconsider the sign-and-trade of Brad Miller that paid him too much money but would have been worth it anyway.
Los Angeles Clippers: A crystal ball for coach Mike Dunleavy to figure out why Gilbert Arenas didn't sign to play there and run the team into the playoffs.
Los Angeles Lakers: An editor to help Phil Jackson write a book about the benefits of creative tension.
Memphis Grizzlies: A gallon bottle of youth elixir to give 70-year-old coach Hubie Brown a few extra years to enjoy getting this team on the right path.
Miami Heat: A new kidney for Alonzo Mourning three years ago -- imagine how different everything would be today.
Milwaukee Bucks: An offer from Michael Jordan that Sen. Herb Kohl can't refuse.
Minnesota Timberwolves: A fully gassed and staffed chartered plane to the Western Conference city of their choice for Game 1 of a second-round playoff series.
New Jersey Nets: A new owner and a fan base that will appreciate president Rod Thorn, coach Byron Scott and what the team has accomplished the past two-plus seasons.
New York Knicks: A bottle of time for president Isiah Thomas to give this team a makeover and realize he has the perfect job and should not coach.
New Orleans Hornets: A clean bill of health for Jamal Mashburn -- money back guaranteed -- for the next 12 months.
Orlando Magic: A rewind button to the second game of the 2003-04 season and a bionic ankle for Grant Hill.
Philadelphia 76ers: A full-blown surgeon general report on why this team has suffered so many injuries over the past four seasons.
Phoenix Suns: A portrait of last year's team plus Zarko Cabarkapa ... with the caption What should have been.
Portland Trail Blazers: A certificate that provides smoke-free limousines for each player to anywhere within a four-hour radius of the Rose Garden and prohibits them from driving themselves.
Sacramento Kings: A money-back guarantee from Chris Webber that when he returns from rehabilitating his knee, there will be no off-court distractions.
San Antonio Spurs: A bottle of tequila and two shot glasses for coaches Gregg Popovich and P.J. Carlesimo, or two NBA shooters ... whichever they can get their hands on first.
Seattle SuperSonics: A promissory note from management to coach Nate McMillan that they will add at least two players out of his image instead of theirs by the trade deadline.
Toronto Raptors: One very large body -- even an inflatable one at this point -- that will provide support up front for rookie Chris Bosh.
Utah Jazz: The coach of the year award for Jerry Sloan, not only for this season but also for lifetime achievement.
Washington Wizards: A computer chip to be inserted into Kwame Brown continuously replaying the intensity LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony and Bosh have taken to every game this season.
