Episode three of Hard Knocks had something for everyone on Tuesday. What does that even mean? Well, we got to see James Harrison get poked 300 times with a needle. We met this year's Lauren Tannehill, there was a rookie talent show and we found out that Andy Dalton doesn't take his dental hygiene lightly.
Go brush your teeth and lets get this episode three recap started.
James Harrison doesn't hate everyone
Episodes one and two of Hard Knocks have already made it clear that Bengals linebacker James Harrison hates the media, hates the Hard Knocks camera crew, hates not being able to tackle A.J. Green in practice and generally just has a hatred for anything that doesn't involve smashing into someone on a football field.
So it should come as no surprise to anyone that only thing Harrison doesn't hate is having needles stuck into his body. Lots of them. Like 300 of them. Seriously, Harrison's only friend might be his acupuncturist.
If stabbing yourself with a needle 300 times seems excessive, it is, even in the world of acupuncture. Harrison's acupuncturist explained during the show that the most needles she had ever put into anyone before Harrison was 232. Harrison asked for 300. If you ever see Harrison in a dark alley, just run.
Are you not entertained -- by the rookie talent show
The rookie talent show was front and center during Tuesday's episode. The rookies made fun of the Bengals injury-prone wide receiving corps. Everyone laughed except for Marvin Lewis because even a joke about A.J. Green's knee injury isn't funny.
Another highlight of the talent show was Michigan rookie Roy Roundtree doing an impersonation of Taylor Mays. Then there was Margus Hunt. The Estonian rookie who stole the show in episode two, showed everyone on the team how they use a telestrator in Estonia.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Taylor Mays
Speaking of Taylor Mays, he really, really, really loves his girlfriend. And he's made that clear in every episode of Hard Knocks so far and episode three was no different. Except there was one catch this time, we actually got to meet Mays' girlfriend Lauren.
"We were friends in high school in Seattle, so we grew up together. We've known each other a long time." Lauren said, explaining how the pair met because some people watching want to know that stuff.
Lauren also let America in on a Taylor Mays secret, "He has the biggest backpack collection ever. He has a turtle shell backpack."
Just to be clear, Mays isn't ashamed of his backpack collection or his ninja turtle backpack.
"That ninja turtle one is sweet. I have all the colors, I can be Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo," Mays explained, before modeling his Donatello mask. Obviously, if Mays doesn't make the team, a role in the next ninja turtles movie seems like a logical next career-move.
If Mays seems odd to you, he does to his teammates too. He got a weird look from a few guy when he explained why he takes two drinks of water, "Everything I do is in even numbers, so I have to drink the water twice."
I drive a minivan and I date this girl
Giovani Bernard got made fun of in episode one of Hard Knocks because he drives his girlfriend's mom's minivan. On Tuesday, we got to meet the girlfriend who loaned Bernard her mom's minivan: Chloe Call. And now everything makes sense.
If driving a mini van gets you a girl like Giovanni Bernard's girlfriend...I'm buying one tomorrow. #HardKnocks— Referee Logic (@RefereeLogic) August 21, 2013
Twitter had an instant crush on her and if the above tweet's to believed -- and there's no reason it shouldn't be -- minivan sales will go up 5,000 percent in America on Wednesday.
So, Giovani Bernard's girlfriend.... #HardKnocks— Ben Volin (@BenVolin) August 21, 2013
So we've seen the minivan, we've met the girlfriend, now we just need to meet Mrs. Call to complete the rare girlfriend, mom, minivan trifecta.
We should also note that Bernard and his girlfriend's mom's minivan have won the hearts of Cincinnati, "Don't let them tease you," a fan yelled during practice. "Minivan driver's unite."
Make Mike Zimmer a head coach
When Mike Zimmer's putting together his head coaching resume in January -- for the fifth straight year -- he may want to include the testimonial that Adam 'Pacman' Jones gave him during Tuesday's show.
"Coach Zim is my father I've never had," Jones said. "He don't take no [crap] from nobody. When you got a guy like that, in the back of your head, you're thinking, 'I don't want to let myself down, I don't want to let that guy down.'"
The back-to-back Pac-Man/Vontaze Burfict comments abt Mike Zimmer may be as good a testimony as any NFL coach can ever get.— Bruce Feldman (@BFeldmanCBS) August 21, 2013
Zimmer appreciates the Adam Jones' of the world, "I love taking guys that people say can't play," Zimmer said. "The Adam Jones', the Terence Newman's of the world, the [Vontaze] Burfict's. We all have a chip on our shoulder."
Bengals 27, Titans 19
If you've ever wondered what Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton does to get ready for a game, that riddle's been solved: he flosses. And he asks his teammates to floss. The Bengals may not win every game in 2013, but they will have the cleanest teeth on the field.
Dalton also enjoys having fun during the game. "I don't know about you all, but I'm probably the best looking guy out on the field," Dalton said in the huddle.
Dalton rolled his ankle in the game against the Titans, but he felt fine and even joked about it, "How ugly does this look," he said after being taped up by the trainer.
The ankle didn't seem to bother Dalton much. On the drive following the injury, Dalton drove the team 61-yards for one of the Bengals three touchdowns in the team's 27-19 win over the Titans.
Owner Mike Brown breaks some news
Just in case the Bengals coaching staff wasn't sure about when cuts are supposed to be made, owner Mike Brown filled them in, "Believe it or not, after we play Dallas, we have to go from 90 to 75 and then just four days later, that quickly, we have to go all the way to the 53 cut," Brown said.
If your favorite team forgets about cut day this year, blame the owner for not reminding the coaching staff.
Out goes Aaron Maybin
Aaron Maybin is the team's resident Picasso: he likes to paint. Apparently the Bengals don't want a team Picasso though because they cut Maybin at the end of Tuesday's episode.
"Maybin, you don't need him, do you?" Brown asked during a coaches meeting. "We'll send him on his way."
"I've been in the game long enough to know how it goes," Maybin said after being cut. "This is probably a point in my career where there's the most question marks. All you can really do is stay ready and stay hungry."
It's not the first time Maybin's been cut, the 11th overall pick of the 2009 NFL Draft has also been cut by the Jets and Bills.
"It's a constant struggle," Maybin said. "It's a constant grind. It's a constant fight that your fighting."
More Hard Knocks
HBO will have encore showings of episode three all week, so be sure to check your local listings. Episode four of Hard Knocks on Aug. 27 at 10 p.m. ET on HBO. If you fell behind on recaps, you can find the episode one recap here and the episode two recap here.
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