Witness: Kellen Winslow masturbating in Target parking lot

Talk about a bad social media day for Boston Market and Target. And it's all Kellen Winslow's fault.

Winslow was arrested on Nov. 19 for possession of synthetic marijuana. We knew that already. But sordid details of the arrest came to light via NJ.com's Dom Cosentino. These details involve Winslow allegedly masturbating in the parking lot of a Target.

"As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was," the report reads. "As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account."

When cops arrived on the scene, they asked Winslow what he was doing and he allegedly told them he was looking for a Boston Market.

The cops said that Winslow had his pants on by the time they found him, although he did apparently have "two open containers of Vaseline on his center console." 

Winslow also had, according to the police, empty plastic containers of "Funky Monkey" and empty bags of "Mr. Happy."

No, this doesn't relate to his "Boston Market excursion." Those are the forms of synthetic marijuana that Winslow was allegedly in possession of; he also allegedly told police that he purchased it from gas stations and on the Internet and smoked it because the NFL doesn't test for it.

Because none of this seems even remotely real or plausible, we've embedded the police report below.

CBS Sports Senior Writer

Will Brinson joined CBS Sports in 2010 and enters his seventh season covering the NFL for CBS. He previously wrote for FanHouse along with myriad other Internet sites. A North Carolina native who lives... Full Bio

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