Forget who's first, try to figure out who is worst

Casserly: Stay upbeat

There is no team out there that's better now than the New York Giants and Tennessee Titans, and I'll take the Giants because of Eli Manning, because of their defense and because ... well, because they're the reigning Super Bowl champions.

Maybe you have Tennessee first, I don't know. What I do know is that you make the Giants and Titans your first two teams in the NFL.

But forget who's best. Now the question is: Who is the worst? St. Louis? Maybe Detroit? Do I hear Cincinnati?

Rams fans asked, Buffalo rolled and Scott Linehan got fired. (US Presswire)

I know people out there who might lobby for Kansas City, largely because they were sentenced to watch the Chiefs-Carolina telecast. The Bengals are no more than a distant third, with the Chiefs closing fast on the outside, but the Bengals will get better and so will Kansas City.

I think.

I'm not so sure about Detroit and St. Louis, and I'm not talking about improving. I'm talking about winning a game. You want a national debate? There's one waiting for you right here, so let the opening arguments begin.

St. Louis

Disconsolate fans complain the Rams are dull, but I say they're compelling, and here's why: They're one of the most beautifully balanced teams to come along in years. They're 30th in offense, 31st in defense and last or next to last in 10 offensive and defensive categories.

They can't score. In fact, they're last in that department, achieving a season high when they exploded for 14 against Buffalo on Sept. 28. But new coach Jim Haslett responded by benching quarterback Trent Green, presumably for running up the score, and replacing him with the quarterback whom Haslett's predecessor -- Scott Linehan -- benched.

I'm glad at least someone listens to assistant coach Steven Jackson.

Then there's the defense. It has more holes than the jeans you discarded after senior year, and it would be dead last if Detroit didn't agree to pull the caboose. Talk about symmetry. Every opponent has put up 31 or more points on the Rams, which must have impressed someone because the defensive coordinator -- Haslett -- got a promotion out of it.

But why stop there? The Rams are last in third-down efficiency and last in first downs. They've also been outscored 147-43 and are on track to set a league record for most points allowed.

Who says "The Greatest Show on Turf" is dead? It's alive and running at the Edward Jones Dome, only on the other side of the line of scrimmage.

In all fairness, everything is not awry with the Rams. They can excel at something, and they do. In fact, I've asked Donnie Jones to come here and explain. He's the team's punter, and he leads the league with a robust 52.7-yard average. His secret: Practice, practice, practice.

Next loss: Washington.

Detroit

So the Lions got things rolling this fall by becoming the first franchise to admit its mistake and shake things up. In this case, it walked president and CEO Matt Millen, the architect of too many bad drafts to recount, down the plank.

The Lions' season opened with a loss in Atlanta and hasn't improved. (US Presswire)

Fans cheered the unexpected move, honking horns outside the team's complex. The team's critics rejoiced. And the Lions themselves responded with what coach Rod Marinelli said was the club's best week of practice since he has been there.

Then they played a game. Final score: Detroit 7, Chicago 34.

These guys don't need an offensive line; they need a Wayback Machine to take them to, oh, say, 2000 when they were 9-7 and a field goal from the playoffs. Then they could catch. Then they could run. Then they could win.

But enough about the Tigers.

When I watched the Lions' season opener against Atlanta, a 34-21 loss, I thought I was witnessing one of the league's worst performances. As it turns out that was the closest they've been to any opponent. Even San Francisco torpedoed these guys, winning by 18.

Detroit is another one of those well-rounded clubs, dreadful on offense and defense. And the numbers, please ... they're 28th in offense; last in defense and last in the takeaway/giveaway department. Like the Rams, they haven't come close to winning -- outscored 147-66 -- and they're last or next to last in eight offensive and defensive categories.

Sunday's contest with Chicago was supposed to be a statement game -- you know, with the team responding to the Millen firing and all that -- and the Lions made a statement all right. It goes something like this: We stink.

Next loss: Minnesota.

Cincinnati

This is a little unfair, especially after the close calls in Texas and Giants stadiums, but the Bengals deserve a mention after scoring one offensive touchdown in their first two games.

Chris Perry's five fumbles haven't helped the Bengals' running game. (US Presswire)

They straightened themselves out, with Carson Palmer discovering the end zone again, but can anyone tell me what happened to Chad Johnson? OK, Chad Ocho Cinco? There's an APB out on the guy, with defensive coordinators wondering where he has been.

Hint: Don't look on the stat sheet. He hasn't had one game with more than 43 receiving yards.

The Bengals entered the season with coach Marvin Lewis promising to shake up the offense and run opponents to death. At least he got part of it right. The Bengals are running someone to death, only it's themselves -- the club ranks 30th in rushing and second to last in yards per carry, and running back Chris Perry has fumbled five times in five games.

There's that symmetry again. The Bengals are as poor defending the run as they are producing it, ranking 29th overall. They're going to win one of these days, and they'll probably drop out of this conversation by midseason, but there's something I'd like to ask: Who dey... who dey ... who dey think going to beat dem Bengals?

Uh, everyone.

Next loss: N.Y. Jets

Kansas City

It's hard playing without a quarterback, but give the Chiefs credit: They're trying. It just isn't working so well. The Chiefs have a rebuilding program in place that should pay dividends down the road, only they have no one to lead them.

Glenn Dorsey will lose more this season than he did in four years at LSU. (US Presswire)

Brodie Croyle, the quarterback of the future, looks more like a quarterback of the past with every injury. The guy can't play without getting hurt, and, I'm sorry, if I'm Herm Edwards I start making plans to visit Chase Daniel at Missouri.

Three different starters in the first three games is not how you draw it up, but that's why they're counting down the days to the start of Royals season in K.C. The Chiefs are crippled at the most important position, and that qualifies them for a mention here.

They dropped off the Bottom Five radar with the upset of Denver, a game where Larry Johnson shredded the Broncos' defense and Gunther Cunningham's defense stonewalled Jay Cutler, but then Carolina happened. And now we have a problem.

How do you suit up Johnson, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne Bowe and go four quarters without scoring? It hadn't happened for Kansas City since 2002 and hadn't happened on a dry field since 1994, but it happened Sunday.

For Edwards' sake, that better change. Herm is doing the right thing by playing rookies and first-time starters, but there has to be improvement. There wasn't last weekend.

Next loss: Tennessee.

Houston

It wouldn't be right not to mention another winless club, but let's be serious: If Sage Rosenfels doesn't have a brain cramp -- OK, cramps -- the Texans beat Indianapolis, and we're not holding this conversation. Houston nearly beat Jacksonville. It should've beaten Indy. It will happen one day, folks, I promise -- provided, of course, someone teaches Rosenfels and/or Matt Schaub how to slide.

Next loss: Miami? Maybe not.