Scared straight? McNair case has negligible impact on NFL infidelity
In the days following the gruesome death of Steve McNair, a current NFL player who was actually a friend of the Tennessee quarterback made several hurried phone calls.
There were five to be exact, he says. They began with one to each of his four girlfriends. He was, and still is, married to a former business executive.
"I broke it off with them immediately," said the player, who like others for this story requested anonymity for fear of public ridicule and reprisal. "What happened to Steve scared the hell out of me. It finally scared me into monogamy."
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| Thousands of mourners attended Steve McNair's July funeral a week after his murder. (Getty Images) |
Another current player had a different reaction. He too was married at the time of McNair's death, and he too initially broke off relationships with girlfriends, in this case, two of them. But months later, he reignited them.
"I admit once time passed," he said, "I went back to my old ways."
Over the past five months, CBSSports.com has interviewed dozens of current players from almost half of the NFL's teams -- as well as some recently retired ones -- and asked a simple question: Have some married players changed their womanizing ways since the tragic killing of McNair this past summer?
The answer seems to be mostly no.
Some married players said they ended relationships with girlfriends and strengthened their marriages after the circumstances of McNair's murder became public. But as time passed, many others returned to their lifestyles of mistresses and frequent trysts outside of marriage.
McNair's death was supposed to change some of those attitudes, but that hasn't necessarily occurred.
"You can definitely take something from [McNair's death] and [it's that] you have to be careful," Saints running back Reggie Bush said. "Even when you think you know, you don't know. If you're involved in situations you shouldn't be involved in and something's not right about it, there's probably a reason you shouldn't be doing it.
"... Nobody is untouchable or not vulnerable if you put yourself in a bad situation. We play such a barbaric sport and we think we can't be hurt or you can get into a bad situation and get out of it scot-free. That's not the case," Bush said.
Said former New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan: "There's the saying 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' The problem is, when you're an NFL player, or a professional athlete in general, because of the availability of women, everywhere you go is Vegas. Women are all over the place, and trust me, they know guys are married and give guys openings, and guys take advantage. The guys are wrong, too."
Strahan added: "The McNair stuff is something that should scare every NFL player. Use better judgment. If you're married, be married. It's pretty much that simple."
Players continue to believe their physical ability armors them off the field as well as on it, several explained. The violence they overcome while playing, they said in interviews, gives them a sense they're bulletproof in their relationships with spouses as well. They cheat, one player said, because they feel they'll never get caught.
It's that football-violence inspired feeling of invulnerability that separates the NFL player who cheats on his wife from other athletes -- the Tiger Woods drama aside -- players and experts say.
"Some of it is a manhood thing. They overcome all this violence on the field and feel if they can overcome that, they can overcome anything, including getting caught cheating by their wives," said Dr. Steven Ortiz, an associate professor of sociology at Oregon State who has extensively studied the sports marriage. "Players buy into the whole notion that they're special and nothing like McNair will ever happen to them."
Said Jacksonville quarterback David Garrard, when asked if some of the womanizing has ceased since McNair's death: "No, wouldn't think so. If it is, I think it's great, but I think they would think, 'That's unfortunate for him.'"
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| The Jags' Quentin Groves says temptation leads to problems. (Getty Images) |
Another Jacksonville player, defensive lineman Quentin Groves, said the divorce rate in the NFL is extreme because "a lot of people give in to ... temptations."
"They give in to what I call 20-80," Groves said. "For the 20 percent of time that you spend with that one person compared to the 80 percent you spend with your wife or significant other, it's like peanuts."
Said Bush: "I'm sure it's high in every sport. When you're on the road, honestly, it just comes down to being grounded because you can make anything happen if you want it to happen because of who you are."
While stories of cheating make for good gossip, affairs in today's NFL are no laughing matter. An NFL player involved in multiple trysts in the 1950s didn't have to worry about HIV. And because of the 24-hour news cycle, blogs and social media, a tryst can lead to public embarrassment and, as has occurred with at least some players, the dismissal from teams once affairs become public.
The McNair case demonstrates that in extraordinarily rare circumstances, an NFL affair can become dangerous.
Groves explained that since McNair's death, he has noticed a change in thinking by some fellow NFL players.
"Yeah, I think guys have opened their eyes," said Groves, who is married to his college sweetheart. "At the same time, guys have said, 'OK, this stuff is real. It can happen to me if it happened to Steve.' I think that we've figured out, 'OK, all the stuff that was going on you don't have to get into it. Just stick with the one you're with and you'll be fine.'"
Yet that notion might be the exception.
"What's happened is that after Steve died, some players looked at their lives, and there was caution," one player explained. "I heard some of the married guys say, 'That's it. I'm done [screwing] around.' But now everything is back to normal. You see the girlfriends on the road, etc. It's crazy."
Other players vehemently disagreed that womanizing by married NFL players is rampant in football. New York Jets defensive tackle Kris Jenkins said money, not women, is the largest problem facing NFL marriages.
"I'm still one of those people who believes money is the root of all evil and the more money you have, the more problems there can be in a marriage," he said. "Your wife can perceive a lot of money in two ways. One is that they want to be close to the money or two they can get jealous of the money. Either way, it puts stress on the marriage and that's how our marriages are different from non-football marriages."
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| For the Jets' Kris Jenkins, 'money is the root of all evil.' (Getty Images) |
McNair was shot dead in July by his mistress, Sahel Kazemi, according to Nashville police, who say Kazemi then committed suicide. McNair was married at the time to Mechelle McNair. According to McNair's personal website, they had been married since 1997.
There are, to be certain, a large number of NFL players who are faithful and in healthy, committed relationships. Several players pointed to, among others, Jacksonville's Garrard and San Diego running back LaDainian Tomlinson as dedicated husbands who have quietly counseled teammates and others (without judgment, players say) on how to keep from straying.
Jenkins is another trusted voice on the subject, players say, as is Arizona's Kurt Warner, who says he utilizes a combination of religious faith, discipline and common sense to keep from cheating.
"I know that stigma is out there, that everywhere you go there are groupies or women throwing themselves at you, and there's no question they're out there," Warner says. "But for whatever reason, I don't find myself in those situations. Maybe they felt I was off limits or maybe I'm too old. You guys [the media] tell me that all the time."
He added: "I also avoid those bad situations. I'm smart enough to know that's out there and I'm not looking to engage in that whatsoever. Even if it's an innocent conversation, if it's something I don't feel comfortable with I'll avoid it. ... I'm not going to bars, I'm not going to places where that stuff is going to happen on an every-day basis."
Infidelity as a way of life
Several players emphasized that being unfaithful is more the exception than the norm, but after discussions with a number of players, it's difficult to believe that's the case.
On one team, players describe two married players who got into a heated argument over the same girlfriend and are no longer speaking.
On another, a player described an informal meeting with a coach and a small group of players.
"After McNair died, our coach warned the team, 'Keep your [penis] in your pants.' A bunch of us just laughed. 'You keep your [penis] in your pants, Coach, we'll keep our [penis] in ours.'"
The Facebook pages of some married NFL players (and married athletes in other sports) post-McNair remain full of attractive young women. Players say it's not uncommon for intimate relationships outside of marriage to start with an initial Facebook or Twitter contact.
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| Chris Chambers, now with the Chiefs, claims the Chargers cut him in part because his infidelity became public. (US Presswire) |
"Some guys get money and they say, 'I'm special. I got it made now.' No, you're not special," Jenkins said. "You put your pants on one leg at a time. Players need to remember that. I tell players, 'If you're not ready to get married, then don't do it. Wait. Be ready.' I got everything out of my system when I was single. Then I was ready."
Ortiz studied the sports marriage by interviewing 47 wives of athletes (and one ex-wife) over a three-year period. His work and opinions are considered among the most definitive on the subject.
One athlete's wife described to Ortiz a scene on a cruise ship that exemplified the availability of women to athletes and their seeming reluctance to decline an opportunity. The player and his wife were invited to dine at the captain's table, and while they were eating, a woman approached the athlete and asked for an autograph. The athlete agreed, and just seconds after doing so, the woman sat on the player's lap as the wife looked on incredulously.
The autograph-seeking woman then started gyrating her hips as the wife watched. The wife said she waited for her husband to make the woman stop, but he didn't.
Wives are always concerned about losing their temper in public, said Ortiz, but in most instances when their husbands were approached by a groupie, even with the wife within view, the player rarely diffused the situation or rebuffed the advances.
"Many of the women normalized the slights and cheating," Ortiz said. "The bottom line is that some players' wives come to believe there's little they can do to stop their husbands from cheating."
Among Ortiz's current writing projects is Forbidden Sex: Groupies and Threat of Marital Infidelity in the Sport Marriage. He has identified four factors why little has changed post-McNair:
- Stereotypical male dominance in which women are given subordinate status;
- Issues with masculinity, in which players need to feel good about themselves, and sleeping with multiple women, despite being married, helps achieve that goal;
- A factor Ortiz sums up as a culture of adultery and how marital infidelity is institutionalized in sports;
- The spoiled athlete factor.
The common thread through all of the factors is the wife being subordinate to the player's career.
The Jets' Jenkins said he doesn't expect any wife of a player to be subordinate. Yet he added: "If a girl decides to marry an NFL player, she has to buy into everything. She doesn't play a snap but she has to adjust to how we do things and how we work. That's not subordination. That's common sense."
Said Jacksonville's Garrard: "Guys come into the league and if they get married to their college sweetheart or someone they've already known or has moved with them, it is a little easier [on the marriage]. But still, the female has to put a lot of things on hold because they don't know if they're going to be in that particular city for very long. So, the wife really can't settle her feet as much. I know my wife [Mary] is kind of going through that right now. She's wanting to start a business but not knowing if we're going to finish here or how long we're going to be here, she really has to put everything on hold.
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| David Garrard says trysts are more available when you live in the spotlight. (US Presswire) |
Ortiz said one thing that came up consistently in his research and interviews was that when athletes married, they put their wives in the role of their mothers. This de-sexualized their own wives and hyper-sexualized other women.
That, combined with the masculinity and machismo issues, is what separates the athlete marriage from the "normal" marriage.
"The groupies are rewarded because it improves their low self-esteem," said Ortiz, "and the [married] players are rewarded by proving their masculinity."
Some players excused their behavior by maintaining they cheat no more or less than married men from other walks of life. Several identified politicians like Bill Clinton or Newt Gingrich who have had affairs. Players even pointed to religious leaders, Hollywood actors and sports journalists.
"Anyone who judges us or looks at Steve in a judgmental way are hypocrites," said a player. "A lot of men cheat on their wives."
Garrard said infidelity is just one reason for the high divorce rate in football.
"You've got guys that can't be faithful, or some wives, but that's with every marriage," said Garrard. "It is a little higher especially because we're in the spotlight where people normally try to attract us so it makes it easier [to stray] for guys who are a little bit weaker."
In rare cases, the infidelity can become public and lead to marital and job consequences, even in a sport that seems to tolerate such behavior.
Wide receiver Chris Chambers was released by the San Diego Chargers last month in part because of the ugly public circumstances surrounding an extramarital affair he had with a woman Chambers claims began harassing his wife.
The San Diego Union-Tribune reported that on April 7, Chambers' wife, Christina, told San Diego police that a woman named Stacey Saunders was calling on her cell phone. Chambers confessed in court documents to having an affair with Saunders, and he requested a temporary restraining order.
"Beginning in April, Ms. Saunders became aware that our affair, now broken off, was known to my wife," Chambers wrote in his request. "Since then she [Saunders] has launched an incessant attack verbally on me, and now my wife, her mother and sister. All calls, text messages and e-mails are abusive, vulgar and irrational. They have begun to mention intimate details of my life such as my son, home address, and family member locations."
Chambers later filed for divorce and admitted to the media the sordid case affected how Chargers management viewed him and was a key reason for his release (though Chambers' poor play was also likely a significant factor).
"I guess it created a distraction upstairs ...," said Chambers. "They [knew] a little too much of my life, and they used it against me."
Reggie Bush: Players need to be careful
If there is any athlete who knows what it means to be in the public eye -- the positives, the negatives and everything in between -- it is Bush.
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| Reggie Bush says dating a fellow celebrity, like girlfriend Kim Kardashian, also has its challenges. (Getty Images) |
"When you get to a certain level of exposure, you have to be more conscious," Bush said. "I think it's tough for guys like us, football players, 99 percent of us don't come from a whole lot. When you get to this level, it's hard as a 'celebrity' to protect yourself when people want something from you and it's not in your best interest."
Has dating Kardashian helped or hurt in protecting his private life?
"I don't know if it helps or hurts," Bush said. "I'd just definitely say we both understand it. We both understand the situation that each of us is in. We both know we have to be careful to a certain extent. It helps to have somebody there who knows and has been there and can understand your life and what you have to deal with on a daily basis. On the other side, it just makes it worse because you've got to deal with and be concerned with two problem cases. Now you've got to deal with your stuff and hers. It is what it is and you take it for what it is. You take it with a grain of salt and understand it. Just try to use it in the best way possible."
Bush reiterated two things many other players stressed: concern over the high divorce rate in football and the difficulty of maintaining stable relationships both when playing and after their careers are over.
"When you are done with football, it's tough to fill that void. It's tough to fill those feelings you have on game day, on Sundays," Bush said. "That euphoric feeling, the highs, the lows, the feeling you have being with your teammates. It's hard to substitute those feelings. Once you're done with football and football is done with you, you're like, 'Now what do I do? It's my whole life. Now you have to tell me that I'm a normal human being and become that family man and stay at home and deal with whatever problems are at home? I can't run away and hide at the facility, or at practice or at game day?'
"It's different and it's tough for a lot of guys to adjust to that life. I would almost recommend marriage counseling for everyone who played or plays in the league, even if you don't feel like you need it, just because. It's almost a way to take you off of this roller coaster you've been on your whole life and can help guide the way."
It's not easy
"Marriage is hard, period, but when you add fame, fortune along with what people perceive you to be, it adds that much more to marriage. It takes a strong, strong bond for two people to stay married in this lifestyle," said Jacksonville's Grove.
Teammate Garrard, speaking of his wife, Mary, added: "We're best friends as well as husband and wife, and we've got a beautiful son [Justin Thomas] now and I want to be able to raise him to be a great man. I don't want him to think about women as just a piece of meat or something like that. Being raised by my mother, she definitely instilled a lot of that in me and I do have that respect in me for females and I want to make sure my son has that same respect, too. That's what I believe."
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| Kurt Warner's keys to a solid NFL marriage include keeping a balance between work and home and quality adult time. (Getty Images) |
"It's not easy, especially during the season because you have so much going on," Warner says. "We've got seven kids and they've got a lot going on, too. Somebody told me very early on in my career that, no matter what, make sure you find time for the two of you. In the midst of all this craziness, and all the opportunities you have from your foundation to helping market the team, to playing and practicing, it's easy to put the marriage on the back burner and take it for granted.
"What we've always done is try to find a date night every week. It doesn't always happen, but in the offseason we make sure we take two or three trips, maybe just a couple of days, but where it's just the two of us and we're focused on each other. That's the biggest secret to it. We're conscious of it. We're aware there needs to be time for us. However we can fit that in throughout the week or the offseason, we do that.
"I think a lot of people think, 'Oh it's gonna work itself out. If we're busy now it'll take care of itself.' And then it continually goes downhill until you have a problem."
Warner discussed how a bruised, bloodied and tired player comes home after practice or a game to a house full of people who want his time when all he may want to do is go to sleep.
"One of the hardest things is to find the balance between what you need to do during the season and what you need to do for your spouse," Warner said. "It's easy in our situation for her to think I come to a country club every day and I'm not really working so when I come home I need to watch the kids. And it's easy for me to say, 'Hey, I'm working all day long and I'm up at 5 every morning. When I come home I can't have the kids.' It's easy for each side to say 'They've got it easier than me and they should do more.' That's one of the areas where we still battle to make sure we're balancing it out. I need to get my time to recover from a day or do my homework, and there's also times when she needs a break because she's been with the kids all day.
"Finding that fine balance is important not only so we can be good to one another, but good parents and good to our kids so we make sure that they can see what a marriage is supposed to be."
CBSSports.com correspondents Larry Holder, Craig Morgan, and Jim Nasella contributed to this story.
