Pro Bowl needs to take lame out of 'game'

MIAMI -- There are many things worse than the Pro Bowl. Lighting your big toe on fire is one. Disinfecting portable toilets is another. Eating cat food. Professional road killer remover. Fixing the gap in Michael Strahan's teeth.

Nowadays, the Pro Bowl is more about shenanigans than effort. (AP)

But that's it. Nothing else. Matt Schaub's hairline is more exciting than this monstrosity.

Allow me to break down this game for you and show you the intricacies of why the AFC won, 41-34.

Or not.

You know the Harlem Globetrotters Pro Bowl is horrible when even David Garrard throws a touchdown in it.

That's a joke, Jaguars fans. Relax.

"I play better defense," says the NBA All-Star Game.

Even for the Pro Bowl, this was bad. Defenses never tackle in these things but there's at least a modicum of effort. In this game, few players cared. The level of non-caring reached an all-time high. It seemed players simply wanted to make sure they didn't sprain an MCL and then beat the traffic to South Beach.

"It's beautiful, it's paradise," said New York Giants wide receiver Steve Smith of having the game in Florida. "Too bad it's not [in] Hawaii ... "

Too bad, indeed.

• Pro Bowl: AFC 41, NFC 34

The only interesting aspect of the night was LaMarr Woodley's quote after he made an interception. "[The football] bobbled a little bit when I got it," he explained. "I said, 'This is my only time to shine.' I only ran slow because I wanted to get some camera time. I could have gotten down there in a matter of seconds. I slowed up to get a little camera time for people back home."

That just about says it all about the Pro Bowl, doesn't it?

One of the ultimate moments of lameness in the contest came when a game official actually called some sort of illegal defense. That was the first time when a bullet to the head was needed.

It was all bad but at CBSSports.com we don't just cry into our laptops. We solve problems. We're smart like that.

So in the shadow of this "game" here are five simple ways to fix the Pro Bowl:

5. No kickoffs, field goals or punts. Very easy. It doesn't get any simpler.

4. Play the game in the summer when people are starting to think football. Players are in shape year round so there's little risk of injury.

3. Play flag football. Seriously. No one tackles in the Pro Bowl anyway.

2. Let players act as head coach. Imagine a team coached by Chad Ochocinco. Or Jared Allen.

1. Pay each player from the winning team $100,000 in cash money. The losers get no extra cash. At that point, you'd see almost epic hustle.

Or maybe you just get rid of the whole doggone thing.

It was once a fun game to watch but something has happened to the Pro Bowl. It's degenerated into a parody of itself, like Marlon Brando when he got old. It's jumped the Pro Bowl shark.

Maybe for good.