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Ten Commandments for the Modern Athlete: Ignore these rules at your peril

by | NFL Insider
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Warriors coach and former NBA star Mark Jackson has some explaining to do. (US Presswire)  
Warriors coach and former NBA star Mark Jackson has some explaining to do. (US Presswire)  

It has been a brutal week for famous athletes willing to show their junk, and a boondoggle for opportunists and former strippers.

Mark Jackson admitted he had an affair with a former dancer who, according to the FBI, attempted to extort him. Pants down, man down. This comes out the same week as news of a woman allegedly attempting to shop compromising photos of Terrell Owens playing catch with something other than a football.

The premeditated plethora of pixilated penis faux pas is a lesson not learned from past such pics. Brett Favre was alleged to be a proud displayer of Little Brett. Sean Salisbury, former NFL quarterback and ESPN analyst, shared inappropriate cell phone pictures with nauseated co-workers.

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There are some serious lessons here. This has never been a more dangerous time for the professional athlete or coach. Why? Because of the technological innovations that distinguish this era from that of Jim Brown. Especially when it comes to social media.

Twitter, Facebook and Skype make it far easier for egotistical athletes to make fools of themselves and worse. This calls for a guide to lead athletes out of junk-mail hell and into the safety of discretion.

These are the Ten Commandments for the Modern Athlete.

Follow these simple rules, and the ding-a-ling will not ring-a-ling on the Internet thing.

Make it so ...

Commandment Ten: No penis pics. They have no value. It's not like you can show them at a cocktail party. "Excuse me, please pass the chips. And would you like to see a photo of my manhood?" If you are particularly fond of what your momma gave you, just admire it in the privacy of your own home. Or bathroom. Or home movie set. Always remember: penis pics are like rabbits; they end up online and multiply, and it's only a matter of time before they violate Commandment Eight. (More on that in a moment.)

Commandment Nine: Don't date strippers. This is no knock on the ladies. Strippers are people too. They are simply utilizing God's gifts to fund their undergraduate pursuits in a hostile economic climate in which student loan rates might double. Some of my best friends are ... never mind.

Still, strippers are not shy. They do not mind headlines, as Jackson is now discovering. Idiot, vain athlete + exotic dancer = TMZ. Speaking of which ...

Commandment Eight: Stay off TMZ. TMZ is for Charlie Sheen. You're a professional athlete. The only time you want to be gossiped about is in Pete Prisco's grades.

Commandment Seven: Stay single as long as possible. Play on, playa'. Experiment, have fun, get it out of your system and then, only then, settle down. But while doing so keep the previous three commandments in mind.

Commandment Six: Be a Trojan man. And we don't mean a USC alum. A helmeted soldier is a good soldier. You don't want to be Antonio Cromartie trying to remember the names of his 74 kids.

Commandment Five: If you get drunk, call a (expletive deleted) taxi. Seems so simple, and yet the Detroit Lions and their numerous cases of drunkitude have committed multiple acts of taxi fail. Taxis are your friend.

Commandment Four: It's OK to go to a movie. Every night doesn't have to be The Hangover. But don't see Prometheus. It sucked.

Commandment Three: If you fail to follow commandments 10 through four and are busted with an exotic dancer, a pocketful of penis pics, un-helmeted, drunk in your own car, all caught on TMZ -- don't quote Bible verses, as Jackson did. Too late.

Commandment Two: If you hear the word "bounty" and the discussion isn't about paper towels, leave the room.

Commandment One: No. Skyping. Ever. Skype is riddled with dangers. There is something about the young athlete ego that says: "I must Skype with my lady friend and show her my arms." That's how it starts. But then it moves from the arms to the pecs to live penis pics. Pretty soon you're Jason Biggs in American Pie and all the while someone on the other end just hit record.

These commandments are the way to go, athlete friend. Follow them and the camera will once again be your friend.

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