We, the media, are smarter than you.
We like to remind you of this often, whether by railing about Bert Blyleven's statistical worthiness for the Hall of Fame, assessing the societal decay accelerated by NBA players wearing baggy shorts, or serving as judge, jury, executioner, body-language interpreter, amateur urine analyst and tsk-tsking soccer mom in anything involving performance-enhancing substances.
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| Please, Chicago fans, just leave the 'Shuffle' at home. (Getty Images) |
Nowhere are our tendencies to pontificate, moralize and grandstand more pronounced than during the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. It's our time to shine. You puny readers are starved for information and opinions and you have nothing else to do. What, like you're going to watch and/or comment about the NHL All-Star Game? Please.
The problem: There exists a finite number of things to write about during the Super Bowl buildup, which results in the same few stories being rehashed over and over. Frankly, we run the risk not just of boring you, but boring ourselves.
Hence from my almighty perch on Mt. Journalism, I've decided to let fly a thunderbolt of clarity. For those who want a jump on the next two weeks of storylines, here's what you'll be reading until opening kickoff. Read 'em now and ignore 'em later, is the general idea. The items are listed in order of potential for overload and/or excessive media sanctimony.
1. Two black people coach the teams playing in Super Bowl XLI: Forget that they're both eminently qualified and, by all accounts, decent men who have done their jobs quite well over the last few weeks (um, except for that late Lovie Smith timeout against Seattle). Their skin color is the story, and anybody who suggests otherwise risks reducing the Super Bowl to an endeavor involving grown men and a ball. A bonus milk-chocolate replica Pulitzer goes to the first writer who attempts to link the first-black-coaches angle to other recent race/gender/ethnicity-related milestones, like Barack Obama's run for president or Nancy Pelosi's ascent to the post of House speaker.
2. Those two black people happen to be bestest buddies in the whole wide world: In perhaps the greatest display of selfless, unforced camaraderie since Ocean's Twelve, Smith attended the Chiefs-Colts clash -- a football coach, at a football game! -- to support his good pals Dungy and Herm Edwards. Here's hoping the evolution-of-a-friendship stories will contain many an anecdote about skimming rocks across the lake on lazy summer afternoons and singing Grease songs into hairbrushes at slumber parties.
3. The Manning family has finally won something that doesn't involve a deal to endorse Sugar Smacks: Oh, sure, they hit the genetic lottery some time ago, and Peyton, Eli and Archie have all enjoyed more than their share of second-stage glories. All the same, we'll be hearing a lot about how Peyton has "made it over the hump," "gotten the monkey off his back" and "slain his cleft-chinned tormentor, Tom Brady."
The supremely likable Peyton -- who never misses a game and always represents his team and his sport with class -- was an easy Hall of Famer before he felled the Patriots ... and oh, are we going to hear about it. Me, I'd devote the space instead to the Colts' underrated and mostly anonymous offensive line (somebody's keeping Peyton upright, no?) and the unknown-outside-rotisserie-sports Dallas Clark.
Maybe we should just resolve to think of it this way: Even if Peyton blows it against the Bears, at least he gets upgraded from "loser like A-Rod" to "loser like Dan Marino."
4. Rex Grossman might be the bastard love child of Sean Salisbury and Rick Mirer, or he might be an OK quarterback going through a rough stretch: Or maybe he's both -- gee, I wonder if Trent Dilfer is available for a quick consult. If you read a Rex-centric story that doesn't include the phrase "he must avoid mistakes on Sunday," you'll know it was written by a charlatan.
5. The 2006 Bears might not be quite as good as the 1985 Bears: In the many head-to-head comparisons to come, the 1985 version will get the nod on offense, defense, special teams, coaching, intangibles and propensity to inspire bowel-vacating fear in opposing quarterbacks. The 2006 team, however, will come out ahead in the all-important number of players with the last name of Brown (three, if you count injured safety Mike). Could Brian Urlacher have made himself useful -- maybe on passing downs -- in the famed 46 defense? That's one for Buddy Ryan to answer.
Here's an either/or question for you: The 2006 Bears or Ditka, on one leg, blindfolded and wearing a tunic, after eight beers? Gimme Ditka.
6. The Super Bowl marks a homecoming for [Insert player's name here]: [Player's name] grew up in Miami and played his high-school ball at [insert name of local high school]. While being interviewed at [insert name of local hangout and/or Joe's Stone Crab], [player] will note to the assembled media throng that he looks forward to "representin' [name of specific neighborhood]."
7. Super Bowl commercials cost a lot of dough, but are occasionally considered by non-sports fans to be more interesting than the game itself: Yup. It will be pointed out that, by virtue of his appearance in a Nationwide ad, Kevin Federline officially enjoys more of a career than his ex-wife. Also, the cost of such ads -- a reported $2.6 million for 30 seconds of airtime alone, plus God knows how much more on production and such -- will be flogged in many a cultural-trend piece. By the way, roughly 3/192,764,287ths of CBS' ad loot will be diverted toward SportsLine.com editors and writers.
7a. The Super Bowl Shuffle 2007 boasts neither the swagger nor the rhythmic bombast of its 1985 predecessor: Still, I can't wait to hear the couplet that half-rhymes "Ogunleye" with "all the way."
8. Media Day is a total wankfest: Because, see, there's about 3,000 guys with microphones and notepads, and they're all chasing the same stories. Of those 3,000, 2,925 will put pen to paper and note that nothing really gets said during Media Day. Hello, meta.
9. The Saints may not be in the big game, but the city of New Orleans is still pretty well screwed: Excuse the editorializing. I doubt anyone will write that story -- it doesn't jell with the spirit of the occasion -- but it's worth remembering.
10. Colts = Red Sox; Patriots = Yankees: Think Peyton as Pedro Martinez, Brady as Derek Jeter and the Colts' comeback from a 21-3 deficit as the Red Sox's resuscitation from a 3-0 black hole in the 2004 American League Championship Series. It doesn't take into effect the profound difference in the scope of the rivalries -- the Belichick Pats beat the Dungy Colts in the playoffs precisely twice, while the Yankees spent 80-odd years inserting various cylindrical-shaped objects into the orifices of Red Sox players and fans -- but for most of us, it'll do.
