Doyel's Daily Dirt: Media Day 101

Tuesday, Jan. 30 -- 10:51 a.m.

God help me, I'm watching a puppet interview a Chicago Bear. And it's not even a good Bear. Or a good puppet. The Bear is No. 72, whose name happens to be Copeland Bryan.

First it was a bear puppet, then it was a horse. (AP)

He's a defensive end on the practice squad, but considering he's on the practice squad for a team in the Super Bowl, and this right here is Super Bowl Media Day, that means Copeland Bryan is fresh meat. And now there's a puppet in his face.

The puppet looks like a shaggy brown sock with eyes, and the man holding the puppet is from a South American television station. So not only is a bad Bear being interview by a bad puppet for a nondescript television station, but the entire thing requires a translator.

The puppet asks a question in Spanish, then English. Bryan responds in English, and his answer is then translated -- by the puppet -- into Spanish.

Here is part of the interview.

Bad puppet: I'm a bear, too. Get it?

Copeland Bryan: You are! What kind of bear are you? A koala?

Bad puppet: No, I'm just a little bear. You want to rub my fur?

Copeland Bryan: I'm not going to get in trouble, am I?

Welcome to Media Day.

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Gregg's right. Ines Sainz is very popular. (US Presswire)

The most popular person here seems to be a television announcer from another South American TV station.

Her name is Ines Sainz, the 1997 Miss Spain, and she's wearing something that can only be described as "something." But if you want details, fine. The jeans are tight beyond belief. The top is most sheer. Reporters are posing for pictures.

A Chicago Bear -- tight end Gabe Reid -- poses with her for a picture. Other than that, I really didn't notice Ines Sainz.

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11:17 a.m.

Tank Johnson is telling the media how safe his home is for children.

We're not sure if Gregg Doyel is near Tank Johnson right now, but he was. (Getty Images)

Tank Johnson, you might recall, is only here for the Super Bowl because a judge in Illinois allowed him to leave the state with criminal charges hanging over his head. The charges stem from a raid of Johnson's house in which six guns -- some loaded, including an assault-style rifle -- were found in his house.

Also found in his house was marijuana. Out back were pit bulls in cages.

"I got a lot of love for my kids," Johnson tells the media. "The most dangerous thing (in my house) is running full speed into a wall."

Right. Especially if there's a loaded AK-47 hidden behind the plaster.

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Stuart Scott of ESPN is walking around the media day as if he owns the place. And judging from the reaction he gets from several Chicago Bears, maybe Scott does own the place. He still looks too cocky for my taste. Does this mean I'll never get hired by ESPN.com? So be it. I love my job. It lets me write stuff like this next item.

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Bears tackle Fred Miller is being interviewed by fellow NFL player Vonnie Holliday, who is working this week for some network not named CBS. Couldn't care less about where Holliday works. This interview, though, is fascinating. Holliday is trying to talk trash to Miller, and Miller is having none of it.

Miller: "We're enjoying your locker room here at the Super Bowl, Vonnie. Matter of fact, I'm in your locker. My naked, dirty (bleep) is on your stool."

Interview over.

I love media day.

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I hate media day. Some clown from a radio station with the call letters KBAD -- seriously, KBAD -- is talking like a moron to Bears safety Chris Harris, and Harris going along with it.

Mr. KBAD, gargling his voice: Give me a woohoo!

Harris: Woohoo.

Mr. KBAD, still gargling: Was that a Super Bowl woohoo? Give me a Super Bowl woohoo!

Harris, louder, trying to gargle: Woohoo!

Gregg Doyel: Gag.

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I wish I knew this guy's name, but that's the thing. He doesn't have a name you'd recognize. Or a name I'd recognize. But for 30 seconds he got to feel important, so here is his moment in the sun. Me, I'm trying to work. Hard-working guy here in Miami, you know the deal. I'm writing live from Media Day, trying to find an electrical outlet somewhere on the field of Dolphins Stadium.

Not easy, but there's one. So I'm sitting on a chair, surrounded by TV equipment, when Mr. Nobody walks up and says, churlishly, "Would you mind not sitting right on all our cameras?"

Me: I'm not on your cameras. I'm not touching your cameras. I'm close, but I'm not touching. It's fine. Relax.

Nobody: Security? Get this guy off our cameras. I was trying to be nice, but he had to be a d---. So f--- him.

Security: Please leave.

Me: No.

And here I sit, still typing. I'm a bad, bad man.

Noon

I just asked Amy Shipley of the Washington Post to help me with this here Media Day blog of the bizarre.

Me: Have you seen anything stupid out here?

Amy Shipley: Other than you?

Me: ...

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You want more media gossip? Fine. Here's something.

When we, the media, exited our shuttle bus this morning at Dolphin Stadium, we were directed toward one of those long, roped lanes that go back-and-forth, back-and-forth, back-and-forth, for maybe 20 rows. To travel a distance of maybe 100 feet, we walked 20 times that distance. Back and forth. Back and forth. For no reason. Most of us in the media handled it with grace and humor. Well, OK.

Most of us in the media handled it without bitching like babies. Paul Zimmerman of Sports Illustrated? Bitched every step of the way, to Dolphins Stadium employees and to no one in particular.

I didn't know whether to cringe or applaud. Instead I wrote about it here.

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Lots of military here. Four Navy officers in crisp white -- remember what Col. Nathan Jessup said about those white uniforms in A Few Good Men? -- were here to observe, they said. Observe what? No clue. Unless they were observing the two soldiers in full camouflage outfits, one lugging a camera, the other holding the microphone. I had to ask: Who do you work for?

"The Pentagon Channel."

Live and learn.

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The Bears' starting quarterback, Rex Grossman, is at midfield. He has a platform to himself with a microphone, an amplifier, risers for all the reporters and a crowd of about 100 media members.

The Bears' best quarterback, Brian Griese, is in a corner of the stadium, sitting on a plastic chair. No microphone, no amp. Only three reporters are talking to Griese. And all three are obese.

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An international radio reporter asked Bears linebacker Dwayne Slay,

"What means the game for you?"

Slay didn't understand the question, so the reporter asked Slay to pull up his sleeves and, "Show us your, how do you say, tattoos?" Slay obliged. I didn't have the heart to tell the international radio reporter that Dwayne Slay is on the Bears' practice squad.

Jamar Williams puts on his dancing shoes. (AP)

He won't play Sunday. Or ever.

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Brian Urlacher's brother is here. His name is Casey. Some members of the media were interviewing him. I have nothing to add.

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Bears tailback Thomas Jones is my new favorite player. Asked about growing up in Big Stone Gap, Va., Jones uttered the best quote I heard all day:

"It was kind of like Tom Sawyer, one of those tales," he said. "It was a place that was very, very, very simple. We didn't have a mall or a lot of the entertainment kids have in bigger places. We played outside. We threw rocks. We played in streams."

A wistful tear escapes my left eye ...

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That wasn't sarcasm, about the tear.

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Bears safety Danieal Manning is being interviewed by a rotund radio reporter. The reporter asks if Manning wants to rub his belly for good luck. Manning apparently does.

Rubbing the guy's belly as if there were a genie inside that bottle, Manning said, "I want this Super Bowl. I want this Super Bowl. Good luck for the Bears."

The reporter giggled like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

1:08 p.m.

Remember that television guy with the bear puppet? Turns out he's a faker. Now that the Colts are on the field, this fraud is interviewing Indianapolis players with a puppet of a horse! And it's the worst horse puppet you ever saw. The guy is holding two fake eyeballs between his fingers, and his forearm and hand are popping out of a cheap toy pony. Awful. Colts guard Dylan Gandy is being interviewed by the idiot.

When it's over, I ask Gandy: Why, for the love of all that is holy, would you submit to being interviewed by a horse puppet? And an awful horse puppet at that? "Because it's media day, and this might only happen once or twice in my life," he says. "And also, I didn't see the puppet until halfway through (the interview.)"

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Do you watch American Idol? Me neither, but when I heard that judge Simon Cowell had compared a recent contestant to a bush baby, I had to look up the alleged bush baby on the Internet.

Some British guy on another network says this looks like a bush baby. (US Presswire)

Googled that sucker, and there he was. That was one week ago.

Who knew I'd be standing next to the bush baby at Media Day?

The bush baby is Kenneth Briggs, and he's about 5-feet tall, maybe 90 pounds, with huge eyes. If anyone on this planet looks more like a bush baby, and is not a bush baby, I have to see that guy. Meantime, Briggs says he's here doing work for Jimmy Kimmel.

He's wearing a Brian Urlacher No. 54 jersey. Sweet kid. Not a bad voice, either. But a dead ringer for a bush baby.

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Michael Strahan is doing TV work for some network. He's doing his best to look everyone in the eye when he asks a question. And he's not spitting old sandwich. Nor is he (allegedly) beating up women, so that's a plus.

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Radio guy Jim DeFede from local station WFOR has set up a table on the field where he lures players to play him in a game of "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots." Currently DeFede's blue robot is beating the crap out of the red robot played by Colts guard Matt Ulrich. Boom! There goes Ulrich's robot head.

"I think the blue guy is kind of rigged," Ulrich told me later.

He doesn't just play a dork on TV. He is in person, too. (AP)

And that's a quote.

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Peyton Manning is a great player but in person he looks and sounds more like a dork than he does on TV. And on TV he looks and sounds like a big dork.

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Warren Sapp doesn't get enough attention in his regular life, so he's here stealing attention meant for the Colts' Booger McFarland. Sapp jumps onto the podium with McFarland, listens to some questions and finally starts answering them himself. McFarland looks pleased. Sapp looks stupid. I look away.

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Media Day in a nutshell: I'm watching Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri yelling good-naturedly at the NFL Network's Steve Mariucci about their Italian heritage. Mariucci, whose platform is about 150 feet away, eventually sits down and goes back to his business.

In that instant Vinatieri, who is at a podium surrounded by reporters, is saying this promo: "Hello everybody in Amsterdam! Enjoy the Super Bowl!"