Boston Red Sox fans have made it onto television and into blogs with several recent outstanding acts of pizza throwing, beer tossing and middle finger how-do-you-dos.
Thus it is official: Sox fans have climbed and crawled their way to the top as the most obnoxious fans in the country.
|Recipe for trouble: Red Sox fans and beer. (AP)|
And certain fans at Arkansas, with their truly repugnant use of the Freedom of Information Act to snoop on a head coach's cell phone records like trench coat-wearing perverts, are crawling on all fours to gain entrance into the top five.
But right now, Sox fans, you are on top. Congratulations. Please thank the academy and do not celebrate by throwing debris or beating anyone up.
The only reason Red Sox fans are not the most obnoxious in the world is because in Europe there are hooligans and Third Reich wannabes who begin stadium riots and attack dark-skinned people. Even whites with a tan get a beat down over there.
In other parts of the world, soccer fans kill game officials, so the Red Sox title is strictly in the North American, non-lethal category.
Nevertheless, you should be proud, Boston baseball faithful. You represent America's best and brightest.
Because over the past several weeks you have outdone yourselves with one splendidly nasty act after another.
We have all seen the video of one Red Sox fan tossing a slice of pizza at another. By the way, why do such a wasteful act? Was the pepperoni uncooked? Did the cheese not melt in your mouth? What did the poor slice of pizza do to warrant such a flagrant abuse of perfectly good bread?
That was bad, but a recent video I first saw on Deadspin.com -- which they had bogarted from the blog The Tao of Stieb -- showed Red Sox fans in all of their obnoxious glory.
The video takes place at a recent Toronto game, and visiting Red Sox fans were irritated about something. I'm not exactly sure what got these Red Sox fans so angry -- quick guess, alcohol? -- but the Red Sox fans got mean real quick.
Keep in mind they are in Toronto. They are on foreign soil. Clearly these Red Sox fans are not seeking a Canadian ambassadorship.
The argument continues when a rather solidly built, cap sporting, she-devil walks over to another fan and dumps beer right in his face. In the process, she douses about a half-dozen people who had nothing to do with the argument.
All hell breaks loose. Expletives fly. A security official eventually throws out Xena. Interestingly, all the while, as the woman yelled and tossed beer, a man that looks like her tough guy boyfriend stood behind the beer tossing maven. That, my friends, is a true man of courage.
The Tao writes: "And the moral of the story is, if you see a member of Red Sox Nation return from the concessions stand with a full beer, slice of pizza, corn dog, nachos, cracker jacks, ice cream, cheese steak, or anything else ... DUCK!”
I would add if you see a Red Sox fan period ... duck.
Actually, when I lived in Boston years ago, the joke was always that it was shocking when Red Sox fans threw beer at other people, because they hated wasting it.
You would think that in this time of heightened awareness and security, fans would do their part to be more hospitable at games. But it seems the lack of civility at sporting events is something that will continue as long as there are sporting events. And beer is sold at them.
Sports leagues are not innocent in this. The NBA brawls in New York and Detroit showed teams must do more to control their players and fans.
Stop selling so much damn alcohol would be a nice place to start.
Red Sox fans might be No. 1 in the most obnoxious fan list, but the top five (six with a tie for fourth) is admittedly extremely close:
5. Ohio State. Don't even think about criticizing the team, or risk having several thousand of them stalk you electronically from now until the end of time.
4. (tie) Dallas Cowboys and New York Yankees. Do I even have to explain?
3. Cleveland Browns. One of my favorite franchises, but I have stood on the field near the end of games while dodging gigantic ice crusted snow balls tossed onto the field. But I like the doggie bones they throw. I gather them and bring them home to the pooch, Chloe.
2. Philadelphia Eagles. For booing Santa Clause (yeah, yeah, it's an old story, he was drunk, whatever), Eagles fans deserve an eternal spot in the top three.
Honorable mention: All golf fans who yell "get in the hole!"
The Florida Gators fan base would have once easily commanded this list, but I have made peace with many of my Gators friends, and their obnoxious levels have actually dropped radically since the University of Florida at Ohio State branch was started.
There are people who call New England fans "Massholes." I would not put all fans in the area under such a moniker -- Patriots fans have become far better behaved, thanks to more pistol-packing security -- but Red Sox fans continue to work hard at keeping their title.
They will let no one take their championship away without a fight. A good fight. A good brawl. A hearty riot involving tossed beer or launched slices of pizza.
So remember, if you see a Red Sox fan ...
Then run like hell.