Pacman Jones is the anti-Forrest Gump. Whereas Gump stumbled upon good fortune no matter which direction he turned, Pacman gets arrested no matter what place he visits.
Gump made jokes with Presidents, played championship-level pingpong after being shot in the butt, founded a shrimping company that made him a millionaire, and scored touchdowns without stopping as he ran up the exit ramp.
Jones has been involved in eight police incidents since being drafted; had his car -- replete with leather Pacman headrest -- impounded after loaning it to a local rapper, who was picked up in a drug bust; and slides down goalposts after touchdowns for excessive celebration penalties.
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| Make it rain, Pacman! Make it rain! (Getty Images) |
That's because no matter where he goes or what he does, Pacman Jones gets in trouble. I know this because the entire city of Nashville is now obsessed with Pacman and whether he was trying to "make it rain" in a Las Vegas strip club, and also whether he was involved in the resulting shooting at the same club.
This story plays best when covered by our inept contingent of local news reporters. I've never been anywhere where the local television news is any good, but Nashville's is particularly bad. It somehow hits the winning ratings triumvirate of idiot viewers, idiot reporters and idiot story subjects.
Recently, my wife came running down the hallway to let me know that there was a feature story on Pacman "making it rain."
Included in this story -- and I'm not making this up -- was an interview with a random woman on the front porch of her public housing stoop about what "making it rain" meant. Seriously, the reporter had just selected a random black woman who lived in public housing because he assumed that she knew what "making it rain" meant. And then she did. Unbelievable.
Her memorable quote when asked about the strip club situation: "Well, he shouldn't have made it rain then." Indeed.
This has led to more making-it-rain conversations across the city than you can imagine, by people who 10 days ago thought making it rain was an old Native American rain dance that didn't work. My 60-plus-year-old father called recently and said, "Well, I don't know why Pacman thought he needed to make it rain."
Out at a bar recently, my friend Keven reached into the pocket of his jeans, pulled out a handful of quarters and said, "I'm thinking about making it hail."
It has gotten to the point where satire doesn't even exist with Pacman Jones. There's nothing that he could do that would surprise me anymore. OK, I take that back, Pacman could stop playing football and announce he was going to medical school. That would surprise me. Otherwise, nothing.
Nashville's relationship with Pacman has been complicated from the start. Before he even signed his first contract, Pacman was involved in an incident at a local nightclub. Then he had a prolonged holdout and arrived late to training camp. Once the 2005 season started, the Titans floundered and Nashville's bipolar relationship with our latest lightning rod emerged.
At first there was a question as to whether Pacman was worth all the money he received as the sixth overall pick and whether his on-field performance would ever justify the expense.
Now Pacman's talents are undisputed. He's already a top-five cornerback in the league and he could become a consistent Pro Bowler, a lockdown magnet who makes everyone around him on defense infinitely better. And this doesn't even consider how electric it is every time he touches the football on punt returns or on offensive plays at wideout.
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| VY + Pacman = 1 helluva interesting season. (Getty Images) |
If only Pacman were so adroit at avoiding trouble.
With a young superstar in the making, Vince Young, and a second-year star in Pacman, Titans fans, myself included, were already looking forward to the 2007 season, when it could be argued that the two most exciting players in the NFL would be on the same team. Now that possibility is clouded in uncertainty.
Especially thanks to police tapes from an alleged Nashville drug kingpin about to stand trial who is concerned that Pacman isn't taking his job as a football player seriously enough. You read that right. An alleged drug dealer about to stand trial is criticizing Pacman's work ethic.
What we still haven't gotten from Pacman, probably on his attorney's advice, is any explanation of what exactly transpired that night in Las Vegas. But when we eventually do hear something from Pacman, I'm expecting him to assert that he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. When it comes to his many troubles, Pacman always claims to simply be the victim of bad luck and bad timing.
Taking Pacman at his word, I'm thinking the U.S. military should utilize Pacman's claimed ability to be in the wrong place at the wrong time by sending him to the mountainous region of Pakistan. Give Pacman a military convoy and just tell him to hang out for a few days. If what he says is true, there's a 100 percent chance Pacman will go somewhere to buy tea and walk right into Osama bin Laden.
Pacman would be a hero. To celebrate he and George W. Bush could make it rain on the White House press corps. Until then, here are 12 places that I wish Pacman could make it rain to rehabilitate his image.
1. Namco Headquarters. Since Namco makes the Pac-Man video game, this might be the only way to keep the company from filing a defamatory action against Jones. Hopefully some in-house lawyer for Namco has already been given this research assignment.
2. Krystal's at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. Pacman has to rehabilitate his image here in Nashville, and there's no better way to make friends than to buy hamburgers for people. Since you don't go to Krystal after midnight unless you've been partying all night or your wife is pregnant, this is a win-win proposition.
3. My old high school, Martin Luther King Magnet. Our gym could use a new floor. And the backboard glass isn't even clear anymore, thanks to all the use. And no lockers in the entire school actually lock. Pacman could solve all my alma mater's problems in one glorious rainstorm.
4. Joe Biden's Presidential headquarters: Now that Biden has already stepped all over himself talking about Barack Obama, wouldn't you love to hear how he reacted if Pacman made it rain at his campaign headquarters? This might be the single most awkward soundbite of the 2008 campaign. Sample Biden comment: "Pacman is an articulate and intelligent person which is particularly surprising for someone with dreads, gold teeth and a large golden medallion. I didn't even notice he was black."
5. Nashville strip clubs: We have a new 3-foot rule that doesn't allow patrons to be anywhere near the strippers. Or so I've heard. Anyway, the women here need the money more than the girls in Las Vegas. Like Latrell Sprewell, they have to feed their children. And buy more clear heels.
6. The Grand Ole Opry: Tons of the Nashvillians who hate Pacman love country music. In fact, Hillary Clinton is the only person with a lower approval rating among country music fans than Pacman Jones. But country music fans love to play the lottery. And Pacman showing up with money to make it rain is like a walking lottery -- with a scratch-off bonus of a potential lawsuit if you get too close to him.
7. Vanderbilt undergraduate classroom: Students would be like, "Who's this clown throwing around dollar bills? And who's going to be willing to bend over and pick up a dollar? Oh god, those dollars better not get my Uggs dirty."
8. Tennessee Titans safety Lamont Thompson's house. Just because when Thompson dove on top of the cash it would be good to see Thompson actually covering something for a change.
9. Pat Summitt's cheerleading squad: After watching her performance at the UT-Florida game Tuesday night, you never know, Pat Summitt might hook a brotha up. Wink, wink. Nod, nod. (God, I'm sorry.)
10. Downtown public library in Nashville: There are metal detectors here, so there's no danger from ne'er do wells. (Excluding Pacman.) Plus, Pac could finally get around to taking care of that library card he's been planning on getting since 1988. Pac looks like the kind of guy who would really dig Lord of the Flies.
11. Chuck E. Cheese's. My only concern here is that I'm certain Pac would have a beef with that animatronic bear. Either him or the mouse. It's so obvious they're talking trash whenever you turn your back. Especially if Pac goes around 4:20. But imagine how excited the kids would be to play in the money rainstorm. And the baby momma bonus? This place would be a goldmine.
12. Al Gore's mansion. The former vice-president has reportedly been running up $30,000 a year in electric bills. Pacman could take his sack of cash, make it rain over Gore, and still have more than $50k left to buy the aforementioned Krystal hamburgers. Then Pacman and Al Gore can have the most awkward fist bump in the history of fist bumps. See, everybody wins.
Because ultimately, stupid is as Pacman does.
