The sports world does its best to be a glass-half-full sort of scene. Take for example baseball's All-Star Game. It's a celebration aimed at letting us all know, hey, Gil Meche really did his job nicely for three-odd months.
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| Dontrelle Willis was more P-Train than D-Train this past offseason. (Getty Images) |
Home runs, complete games, runners in scoring position? That's fantasy fodder. The Maul-Star Team is about the police blotter. It's about fisticuffs, suspensions, steroids, disorderly conduct, cell phone gun threats and, if you're really feeling ambitious, attempted murder. Of course, baseball isn't exactly the NFL, or even the NBA when it comes to unearthing criminal elements. But there are a few rough diamonds worth unearthing playing stickball these days.
So with the Midsummer Classic heading to the land of Alcatraz, here is the 2007 MLB Maul-Star team.
Catcher: Michael Barrett, San Diego Padres. Imagine if all the catchers in the league were instead bouncers at the Double Deuce. Now, imagine the Double Deuce just got new ownership intent on cleaning up the joint, not family friendly you know, just making it respectable. Now, new ownership hires some guy named Dalton (not Darren) to play a little HR and get rid of the scummier employees. I'm guessing Barrett tries to throw a punch at Dalton on his way out.
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| Barrett isn't exactly Crash Davis behind the plate. (Getty Images) |
Shawshankability (likeability): Punching Pierzynski is like asking out the prom queen. Everybody wants to do it, few have the chutzpah.
Fox River Fast Fact: Was a first-round pick (28th) of the Montreal Expos in 1995.
Second team: Paul Lo Duca, New York Mets
First baseman: Jason Giambi, New York Yankees: Using steroids is one thing, but giving this craptastic excuse -- "maybe one day I'll talk about it, but not now" -- about why you used them is Maul-Star caliber. Giambi, take your time, when you're ready to talk we'll all run to the nearest Barnes & Noble to pick up your name-dropping autobiography for one easy payment of $29.95.
I've been saying it for years now: The solution to baseball's steroid problem is Ben Affleck.
Oz-tributes: Uncontrollable bouts of rage from steroid use during the 2001 through 2003 offseasons help build cred on prison playgrounds.
Shawshankability: Helped my Fantasy team last season with 37 home runs, 113 RBI.
Fox River Fast Fact: Killed my Fantasy team this season with a nagging heel injury that has likely ended any chance of him playing in pinstripes again.
Second team: Derrek Lee, Chicago Cubs:
Second baseman: Alberto Callaspo, Arizona Diamondbacks: If you know this name it's because you're a diehard Diamondbacks fan, in the deepest of NL-only Fantasy leagues, or you remember reading some story about a backup infielder allegedly assaulting his wife.
Callaspo made headlines when he was arrested in May for suspicion of assaulting his wife. But a little digging by Arizona Republic reporters found that Callaspo is more Ike Turner than Jeff Reboulet. A nice day spent tuned in to a Lifetime movie marathon would do wonders for big Al.
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| Juan Uribe is a bit protective of his automobiles. (Getty Images) |
Shawshankability: Arizona's Swiss Army knife of sorts, Callaspo's defensive flexibility makes him a popular injury call-up. He has played every position except center, first, catcher and good husband.
Fox River Fast Fact: Has been hit by more pitches (1) in his career than he has hit home runs.
Shortstop: Juan Uribe, Chicago White Sox: Whether it's true or not, the alleged shooting incident involving Uribe and his bodyguard last winter in the Dominican Republic taught us all a valuable lesson we thought only applied to Haiti: Don't walk too close to nice cars in the Dominican.
A Dominican farmer and Italian naval officer apparently got a little too close to Uribe's SUV and next thing you know a nurse is extracting 9MM shells from their epidermis. Uribe claims the two gents picked the fight in an attempt to extort the shortstop. Apparently extorting rich baseball players is a pretty popular pastime in Latin American countries. But the bigger issue is, what's a Dominican farmer doing out with an Italian naval captain?
Oz-tributes: It's just a simple case of extortion, people. Friggin' extortion.
Shawshankability: Cousin of late Giants shortstop Jose Uribe, who if you don't remember, you probably will now. In trading-card speak, he was the Spike Owen of the 1990s.
Fox River Fast Fact: Since joining the White Sox, has never produced less than 71 RBI in a season.
Third baseman: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees: The man has done nothing illegal, but if you consider being consistent New York Post front-page, Page Six and back-page fodder a crime on humanity, he's more heel than anybody in this column.
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| Elijah Dukes owes quite a few women some Hallmark cards. (Getty Images) |
Shawshankability: Switching to high socks this season helps win the old-school vote.
Fox River Fast Fact: Has a higher All-Star Game batting average (.286) than postseason batting average (.280).
Outfielder: Elijah Dukes, Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Say you have a wife who's a teacher at a middle school. Stopping by the classroom unexpectedly with a nice lunch or bouquet of snapdragons, gerber daisies and roses gets a hubby props. Barging into the classroom and threatening her life, well, hope you like sleeping on futons.
Elijah Dukes, ladies man, cunning linguist and picture texter all wrapped up in one tidy slugging Devil Rays package. Throw in five children to four different women by the age of 23 and we can all assume puppy lover Bob Barker has an important closing message for this "dawg."
Oz-tributes: He texted his wife a picture of a handgun to go with this voicemail he left her: "Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg..."
Shawshankability: By not striking his wife, he only slightly traumatized a class of middle school kids.
Fox River Fast Fact: Hit a home run in his first professional at-bat. Great, an ego boost.
Outfielder: Lastings Milledge, New York Mets: Let's see. Your name comes up in potential trade talks with the Red Sox for one of the modern era's great sluggers, Manny Ramirez. You're spoken of in Long Island pubs as "Darryl Strawberry before we knew about the coke thing." You have more tools than Al Borland.
What's the best way to live up to such nice expectations? Be a lollygagger on the basepaths, high-five fans following home runs and produce a rap CD with so many naughty words it makes 2 Live Crew seem like O-Town.
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| Lastings Milledge: Tasteless record producer, squanderer of on-field talent. (Getty Images) |
Shawshankability: Teammates love leaving him little friendly notes like, "see ya after the game," or "your name sounds British," or "Know Your Place, Rook!"
Fox River Fast Fact: In his first game Milledge was exactly the same age as Darryl Strawberry was in his.
Outfielder: Gary Matthews Jr., Los Angeles Angels: In a down year for outfielders, Matthews' connection to all the bad-boy stuff, pharmaceutically speaking, lands him on the list. He says he never was into the whole HGH thing (despite the fact HGH was shipped to his house) and his connection to standup guys like Jose Canseco and John Rocker is only a byproduct of their mutual affinity for pre-The Majestic Jim Carrey movies, not performance-enhancing products.
Oz-tributes: Matthews' 16 days of silence following the accusations couldn't have made Halos owner Arte Moreno a pleasant gent to be around at the country club.
Shawshankability: Everybody roots for late bloomers.
Fox River stat to know: Despite just 78 career home runs, Matthews landed a five-year, $55 million deal from the Angels last offseason.
Second team: Ryan Freel, Cincinnati Reds
Starting pitcher: Dontrelle Willis, Florida Marlins: It happens to the best of us. You're driving back from a South Beach club and you suddenly have to make No. 1. But there's nowhere open at 4 a.m. to run in to. So you pull your black Bentley off to the side of the road and let 'er rip. Then comes Johnny Law, ruining the pee party.
Willis, now just the latest member of baseball's "but he does a lot of community service" squad to do something not community friendly, proved that controlling the strike zone is easier than the bladder.
Oz-tributes: Spending six hours in the can helps the ol' street cred.
Shawshankability: A former Roberto Clemente Award nominee for players active in their community.
Fox River stat to know: Is currently batting .18 higher than Atlanta's Andruw Jones (.199)
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| Has Ugueth Urbina watched 'Scarface' one too many times? (Getty Images) |
Middle reliever: Roman Colon, Detroit Tigers: Remember when Chris Tucker said "Don't ever touch a black man's radio!" in Rush Hour? That was soooo 1998. Here's the updated version: Don't ever touch a Tigers farmhand's iPod.
Mud Hens teammate Virgil Vazquez touched Colon's and as uh, expected, a fight broke out. But it was pitcher Jason Karnuth, simply trying to break up the scuffle, whose jaw was shattered by Colon.
The Tigers thought a seven-day suspension was a good punishment. The law thought felonious assault was a better one. Funny how those two institutions differ.
Oz-tributes: Screws were required to help keep Karnuth's cheek together.
Shawshankability: Colon apologized several times to Karnuth.
Fox River Fast Fact: Colon has allowed 75 runs in 71 career games.
Second team: Julio Mateo, Seattle Mariners
Closer: Ugueth Urbina, prison near Los Teques, Venezuela: Shelved for the next 14 seasons thanks to an attempted murder charge that stuck, Urbina should really reconsider calling Venezuela home. His father was murdered there, his mother abducted and held for ransom there and he claims to have been extorted on several occasions.
But Ugie learned that taking out your rage with a machete, a gallon of gasoline and a few matches isn't typical new-age self-help advice. Rather, it lands you in Venezuelan prison. Who knew?
Oz-tributes: One of the victims needed 300 stitches to close wounds in his back and 150 to repair severed hand tendons.
Shawshankability: Urbina was able to help rescue his mother from drug lords who tried to extort $6 million from him.
Fox River Fast Fact: At 237 career saves, the only serious active threat to pass him in the next three years or so is Francisco Cordero (160).
Second team: Guillermo Mota, New York Mets
Skipper: Tony La Russa, St. Louis Cardinals: Even smart guys do stupid things once in a while (google Carrell + Evan Almighty). La Russa falling asleep with the car in park falls under that category. To his defense, he did manage to keep his foot on the brake.
Oz-tributes: Before booking La Russa, South Florida police officers prepped him with the latest gang signs the kiddies are flashing these days.
Shawshankability: Everything La Russa touches turns to gold, including his DUI tape, which features SuperTroopers shenanigans from the arresting officers.
Fox River Fast Fact: Was arrested 37 days before Cardinals reliever Josh Hancock died while drinking and driving.
Honorary Maul Star
There's a dark side to the Minnesota Twins' success this decade. Parents throughout the Twin Cities want their children to grow up being the next Joe Mauer, Johan Santana or, I guess, Lew Ford. Parents like Wade Campbell of St. Paul that is. You see Campbell has a bit of Elijah Dukes in him when it comes to his kids and sports. Either that or he just hates volunteers.
Campbell, charged with threatening to shoot his son's Little League coach, reportedly pushes children, inquires about the pigmentation of prospective kiddie-league football coaches and uses no-no words when talking with recreation staffers. He likes an occasional bar fight and has "tackled a neighbor."
Maul-Star soundbyte: Campbell told the Little League coach, "he was going to be shot down like a dog" and that they "f***** with the wrong East Sider."
