It's a somber week in All That and a Bag of Mail history because the SEC is losing the best head of a university in the country to the Big 10 of all places. Yep, Vanderbilt chancellor Elwood Gordon Gee is leaving Nashville for Columbus. And all the Vandy world is saddened. Which is why we have to go back to Wednesday's column on Jeremy Harper and be gladdened. Harper has surged past 300,000 on the road to one million and is continuing to make all the evils of the world disappear. I think we should send him to Darfur. Even without a peace mission to Africa, Harper is our beaver pelt trader of the week.
Just to make sure that everyone is aware NFL preseason is less than a month away, here's an absolute evisceration of Merril Hoge's critiques of Vince Young. Set to Public Enemy's Don't Believe the Hype.
Yes, these plays all happened last year. If V.Y. played for a team on either coast, you would have seen each of these plays 10 million times. As is, just enjoy. Then cry for Merrill Hodge. I guess it's easy to be bitter when you've lived your whole life without a neck.
Now on to All that and a Bag of Mail:
Andrew writes:
"Clay, did you hear Lincoln Financial dropped Dave Rowe? I think it may be a good thing, as I was running out of wrists to slit during his telecasts."
First of all, a tip of the beaver pelt hat to Brian Rice on our Facebook group who posted this news immediately upon its release as well. Second, LF replaced Dave Rowe with ... Dave Archer. Perfect. So they still have a three Dave crew. Only now they get to reprise the "we're all named Dave joke" for another 10 seasons. But I'm not going to quibble with this decision, I'm very happy. In fact, I'm going to choose to accept this as an LF peace offering and announce that I'm burying the hatchet over my feud with LF/JP. Only, they sort of get savaged in the Dixieland Delight book. And when I say savaged I don't mean "getting shot in the head and dying quickly"; I mean "disemboweled and having to chase around a dog who is carrying your intestines" savaged. So they might be less than happy with me.
Also, I'm terrified by the fact that Vanderbilt's Chancellor Gee is leaving and Dave Rowe is suddenly available. I'm afraid I'm going to get a telephone call from Vanderbilt's campus with Dave Rowe on the other line. "Hello, Clay Travis, this is Dave Rowe and I'm being interviewed for the chancellor's position." (Pause). "We've got an upset in the making."
Christa from Pirate Master clarifies her blurred breasts:
"You crack me up!!! They didn't give me a bigger top, I just started wearing a sports bra on the treasure hunts!!!! If you don't interview me after the show I will be DEVASTATED!!!! You're in too deep with me now. You are obligated. Anyone who discusses my blur has to give me a chance to explain ... ha!!!!"
This is why I can never get divorced. Because some divorce attorney is going to get me on the record responding to this question, "So you expect us to believe that you were just randomly e-mailing with another woman about her breasts being exposed on reality television?" I'm done for. Having said that, Christa is carrying the mantle of the 1991 Kansas City Chiefs right now. She has the Okoye spirit, the Steve DeBerg poise in the pocket and Nick Lowry's leg strength. She will not be conquered. I'm expecting to see her carrying a treasure chest along the beach while other pirates just bounce off of her. Also, I hope for Christa's sake there's a contest to see who can float the longest.
Matt writes:
"I try and only send you stuff when Alabama makes itself look bad (I know, a real rarity), but I thought you would enjoy this. Fisherman catches piranha in North Carolina river: Hopefully they are not the genetically altered kind like in the movie Piranha , or worse, the flying variety from Piranha 2: The Spawning . Pretty scary stuff."
Also, Derek Lisle sent the same link to our Facebook group and wrote:
"Good thing the flugtag wasn't held in the Catawba river."
All of these animals arriving from the Amazon (the Louisiana pink dolphin) the piranha, and probably other animals like, shudder, the toothpick fish, are making me think we've got a bad movie plot germinating here. Only this is reality. The Amazonian fish are invading America. They're like the killer bees only, you know, they can't fly ... yet. Somewhere right now there is probably some scientist with a scruffy beard who is trying to push the emergency button about dangerous fish taking over our native rivers and no one is listening. It's like Spring Break Shark Attack brought to life.
And you know what, it always takes a celebrity becoming overtaken by this calamity for Americans to care or notice. So, mark my words, if Tim Tebow gets a toothpick fish in the urethra, that scientist is getting noticed. And America is going to have to respond. George W. Bush's approval ratings are about to soar when we commence: The War on Fish (from the Amazon). Because when national security is threatened, parentheticals are very important.
Ben writes:
"Why isn't the [Redbull] Flugtag televised every year?"
Excellent question. It should be televised. If the Soap Box Derby, the Rock Paper Scissors championship and every poker championship known to man are on television, so should this thing. It would actually be pretty entertaining. Especially if they filmed it and delayed it by a few hours so they could speed up the jumping by the teams.
Bob Hendrickson writes:
"Hi Clay, I was very surprised to see your column about Jeremy Harper counting to a million! You see, I have been attempting to accomplish the goal by writing the numbers. I started back in 1982 -- pick it up from time-to-time -- and I am currently at just over 818,000. Don't know if I'll actually make it all the way -- but I hope to. I have always wondered if anyone had ever done such a thing -- so it was also interesting to see that Jeremy said someone had in fact written the numbers! Who knew?! :-)
"Anyway, I call it "The Ultimate Waste of Time."
The world is truly a crazy place. I was born in 1979. Since I was 3 years old Bob Hendrickson has been writing the numbers from 1 to 818,000. For 25 years. Unbelievable. There's a whole society of people out there attempting all sorts of ridiculous things. Some of them are even legal. I'm going to share more details about Hendrickson's writing quest in the future. Until then, just contemplate this with amazement.
Junaid writes:
"Last week you wrote about Robin Thicke as being a white guy who was ridiculously popular among black people that most white people didn't know. What are the rankings for black people who white people like more than black people do?"
Wayne Brady is the easy one. But that's been hysterically done thanks to Chappelle's Show. After some diligent research consisting of asking my 62-year-old step father-in-law which famous black people he really liked, I'm going with Morgan Freeman as my overall No. 1. I defy you to find a white person on earth who doesn't like Morgan Freeman. Put it this way, if Morgan Freeman personally spoke to every Ku Klux Klan member in America, the KKK would cease to exist. Also, maybe James Earl Jones. I don't think most black people even know James Earl Jones is black. This racial confusion sort of reminds me of the black history class I took at GW when the entire class, every black person, every white person, and three Asians thought that Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, was black. Somehow we were all taught this. Turns out he's a rich white guy who went to Yale. Who knew? Anyway here's the ClayNation power rankings for black people that white people like more than black people do.
1. Morgan Freeman
2. Oprah
3. James Earl Jones
4. Justin Timberlake
Pete writes: "Clay, My dad is one of those ball-chaser golfers. It drives me nuts that we paid to play golf and he will let groups behind us pass through so he can look for balls. It reminds me of a pirate looking for long lost treasure. He comes out of the woods with a handful of muddy waterlogged golf balls and exclaims, 'I got a Titleist!' Man that bugs me. Good article man, keep fighting the good fight."
I heard from lots of lost golf ball chasers. Most of them claimed they didn't in any way slow down the pace of play. They are liars. Every single one of them. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, searching for a golf ball that should be easy to find is one of the most frustrating things in sports. But all golf balls are not easy to find. Some are meant to be lost. That's why there are lakes, streams, rough to your chest and tree-covered mountains.
Plus, some lost golf ball searchers claim balls that aren't remotely lost. And are even lying right in the center of the fairway. The only thing worse than searching for a lost golf ball is driving perfectly straight into the fairway, seeing the ball go down a small hill, and then arriving and not finding the golf ball. Because some jerk from another fairway has claimed your own ball as his lost ball and has already played your ball back across to his own fairway.
Actually, the worst thing is angrily throwing a club into a tree and then having to climb up into the tree to bring it back down. Thankfully this has never happened to me no matter how many people say otherwise.
Alfonso Gonzalez writes:
"Hey Clay, your article about Kentucky football last year after you went to the Georgia game is the greatest article ever written."
Well, let's not get carried away. It was maybe the third- or fourth-greatest article ever written. Woodward and Bernstein did a decent series on Watergate. We can't slight them. Notwithstanding that, you're probably correct. I don't want to brag about that column in particular, but several people did ask me to run for the Senate from Kentucky.
Jason Shoming wrote:
"John Schoming??? I've written in how many times, and you call me John Schoming? I expect an apology. Your faithful reader, Jason Schoming"
You'd think I'd be able to handle a simple task like cutting and pasting an e-mail message into a Word document. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong.
