A quick quiz for the men: Would you prefer if the women in your life knew more or less about football?
For some, it's a secret male fantasy ("Finally, she'll quit asking about every intentional grounding penalty!") while for others it's a secret male nightmare ("I can handle an argument about what color to paint the bathroom. But did we just fight about where Bill Cowher should land next season?").
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| The Steve Spurrier Ladies Football Clinic: Secret male fantasy or nightmare? (Getty Images) |
It's a smart move. Once the gals are hooked into accessorizing outfits with team logos, that's more moolah in the bank.
One such P.R. stunt came around again last weekend here in Columbia, S.C. More than 1,000 Carolina girls scampered to "The Steve Spurrier Ladies Football Clinic."
Your team might have something like this. The ladyfolks listen to football seminars put on by coaches and assistants. A few players will come out to model the pads and uniforms. The women then get to try drills, such as throwing, catching or punting.
Once the date for Spurrier's event was announced, I knew I had to find out what went on. But I didn't want to cover it like an ordinary (or competent) journalist. And it would have been bad form to sign up as a dude and barge right in (that would be such a "guy thing" to do).
I decided to go undercover. I'd shave my legs. Find a wig. Buy a dress. Bra and panties. Shoes that make you say, "Ohmigawd. Shoes!" Fake eyelashes. Makeup. Dangly earrings. If this were a sitcom, we now cue the montage of my grueling preparation to the rhymes of the Beastie Boys' classic, Hey Ladies!
Hey ladies in the place I'm callin' out to ya
There never was a city kid truer and bluer
There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I've got more hits than Sadaharu Oh.
Then I had another radical idea. Instead of humiliating myself in public, why don't I send my wife there and then ask her what happened?
She'd be my undercover spy. Maybe cause some mischief. Not in a Punk'd sort of way, but at least the type of mayhem like when Howard Stern fans end prank calls by blurting "Baba-booey!"
Please understand: We live in Columbia, but we're not Gamecockians. My wife and I met as undergrads at the University of Florida in the mid-'90s. The same time a certain Steve Spurrier was treating the Southeastern Conference as his personal floor mat. But the Gamecock ladies clinic would be the first time she would see the Ol' Ball Coach up close.
So Miriam drove down to the school's basketball arena on Saturday, July 28. Would the day be the female football equivalent a night at Chippendales? Or would it be more like watching Chris Farley be a Chippendales dancer?
Turns out she was bored out of her skull.
She said it was not that the presentations were boring. It's just that it was boring for her to be there alone.
That was a huge miscalculation on my part. If she would have had a partner in crime -- a Gator sorority sister or a local Gamecock ally -- it would have been more worthwhile.
Very few women were there by themselves. Most were groups of family and friends and a good demographic mix. Young and old. Grandmas and grandkids. Some college-aged kids. But with so many women in their 30s and 40s, it was a regular MILTTFW* convention. (*Moms I'd Like to Talk Football With).
The women filled the seats along one side of the court. Spurrier took the court and made a pep talk about the upcoming season. Then it was up to the assistants to explain things such as Offense 101 and Defense 101. Each presentation was accompanied by footage on the arena's video board. There was a breakdown of the run game, and one for zone coverage.
Something that registered for me on my Cosmic Irony Scale is that the zone coverage presentation was made by defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix. It was not made by secondary coach Ron Cooper, who after last year's victory against Kentucky was famously called on the carpet by Spurrier in front of the postgame press corps. Spurrier demanded Cooper explain the defensive alignments in the fourth quarter that Kentucky nearly cracked apart for the win.
The only footage of Spurrier's original blowup I could find on YouTube comes from a Rome is Burning segment. Disclaimer: The views of Jim Rome are not necessarily those of Hardy Vision or its subsidiaries.
Even odder: I was at an informal Spurrier news conference Monday, and Spurrier made a self-deprecating crack about how he noticed it was Nix and not Cooper who was explaining the zone coverages at the ladies clinic. And most everyone in the room was laughing pretty hard at this, Cooper included. So either they've all let bygones be bygones, or some assistants on his staff are really good at faking uproarious laughter.
The ladies clinic also included a "Meet the Familes" segment that involved the coaching staff. File this under information only women would be interested in. Guys couldn't care less, unless it's to find out which coaches are married to former swimsuit models.
And kudos for the coaches' wives for not grabbing the mike and screaming:
"Because of you unrelenting maniacs, my husband slaves 90 hours a week! You are today spending more time with him than his own children will spend with him until Christmas! I see this man 4½ minutes a week during the season ... and two of those minutes come from when I see him on TV pacing the sidelines. It's not worth it! Yes, I live in a nicer house than most of you, but I HATE YOU ALL! GET A LIFE!!!"
By the way, if you're interested in knowing more about the Gamecocks football program and the Ol' Ball Coach, you can sign up for Spurrier's new Web site that was promoted at the clinic. It's called "SpurrierHBC.com." The "HBC" stands for "Head Ball Coach," because evidently Spurrier hates the phrase "Ol' Ball Coach."
Unless I'm mistaken, Spurrier's obsession to implant the phrase "Head Ball Coach" might be the most concerted effort by a sports figure to coin his own nickname in the modern era. Let's review:
- In an Under Armour commercial, he answers his phone with "This is the Head Ball Coach."
- The awkward Web site domain: www.spurrierhbc.com
- He corrects members of the media when they address him as "OBC." (The last time I saw this was a few months ago on Cold Pizza when Jay Crawford signed off on an interview by calling him "Ol' Ball Coach." Before Spurrier's satellite link clicked off, he had time to chirp, "Head Ball Coach!")
- Spurrier is selling a wine called "Head Ball Coach Chardonnay."
The wine was unveiled Monday at Spurrier's annual media golf tournament. I don't understand why he didn't unveil it on two days earlier for the ladies. Wouldn't that have been classy? Then again, with a fanatic fan base, maybe one of the ladies in the crowd would have gotten the wrong idea and think this was a secret signal that he was interested in a clandestine romantic getaway.
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| If anyone has had this bottle of chardonnay, send us a review. (Provided to SportsLine) |
For Part 2 of the ladies clinic, Miriam had to drive from the basketball arena to the football stadium. She was delayed from starting that itinerary because she had to call me at home for me to contact AAA -- she had accidentally locked her keys in the car.
I didn't bring this up to embarrass her, but as a way of telling how strange it was when the AAA operator asked me for the address of the football stadium. In a small town like Columbia, the football stadium is used as a reference point for practically all sets of directions.
"Where is she? Uh, the football stadium. ... How does the locksmith get there? Um, go to the football stadium, and stop."
Besides, by the time it was time to tour the stadium, she was running on emotional fumes. She did let a bit of Gator obnoxiousness show in the locker room by getting her picture taken next to the Gatorade fountain drink machines.
The billed highlight was that the stadium would pump in the theme music to 2001, and the women could storm the field from the players' entrance, just like the Gamecocks do in perhaps the most genuinely grand entrances in all college football.
All day long, Miriam politely applauded during Gamecock cheers. As for running onto the field, that's when a subconscious boycott kicked in. She said she could not bring herself to do it. And I thought that was understandable.
She also said she didn't want to run for a catch in the end zone. That, I told her she definitely should have taken advantage of. "You could have pretended the Gators were the visiting team and that you just caught a touchdown from Tim Tebow."
Turns out her highlight of the day came when she was in the basketball arena parking lot on the way to the football stadium. That's when she walked past Mrs. Head Ball Coach, Jerri Spurrier.
Miriam introduced herself and mentioned that she too was in Columbia by way of Gainesville. Miriam said Jerri was gracious and personable as could be. And there you go. The historic first meeting between Mrs. Hardy Vision and Mrs. Head Ball Coach. Maybe some day they could look back on the day and reminisce over a bottle of "Hardy Vision Chardonnay."
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| The panacea to a lousy football clinic: The Simpsons Movie. (Provided to SportsLine) |
At least there were no Gamecocks references. Although in one TV episode years ago, Homer did promise Lisa:
"When it's time for college, I promise my darling daughter can go to the finest school there is ... in South Carolina."
Lisa: "Ooh! I will NOT be a Gamecock!"
Looks like someone won't be signing up for next year's ladies football clinic.
But maybe football fans male and female would benefit if we would just heed these lyrics from the Beastie Boys' Hey Ladies:
"I've got an open mind, so why don't you all get inside?"
