Hardy Vision: Make World Series hype go the distance

Here we are again. Time for another boring ol' best-of-7 World Series. In a few days we'll crown a Beantown champion, then move on with our lives.

Super agent Scott Boras was on the right track when he petitioned Bud Selig to revert the Series to a best-of-9 affair. That idea included starting the Series' first two games on a neutral site, with lots of corporate sponsorship, to create a Super Bowl- or March Madness-type buzz.

I say if America wants a hype-tastic baseball championship, don't settle for best-of-7 or best-of-9.

Here's my plan for an all-out, biggie-sized, gimmick-riffic, corporate greed-fueled best-of-29 Fall (and Winter and maybe even Spring) Classic:

Game 1: The U.S. president throws the first pitch in Washington, D.C. (Getty Images)

Game 1: The great American pastime announces its presence by playing on a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D.C. The president throws out the first pitch. The national anthem is sung by the latest American Idol winner. There's a flyover by a squadron of F-16s. As per tradition, the "home" team is from the winning league of the All-Star Game. Unless, of course, the All-Star Game was declared a tie. Then the home team is determined by a hot dog eating contest between each World Series team's catcher.

Game 2: Played during Sunday prime time in Washington, D.C. It will be hard to top Game 1's festivities, but we go with the vice president throwing out the first pitch and the national anthem being sung by the latest The Biggest Loser winner. Pregame flyover is by a widebody jumbo jet sponsored by Viagra.

Games 3-5: Played in home park of the NL champion on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. To prove this best-of-29 series isn't just to benefit the TV audience, fans in the stadium will be treated to free beer Tuesday, free hot dogs Wednesday and free bologna sandwiches Thursday. Yeah, you can screw over the fans Thursday night, it's not like they'll be back Friday to complain.

Games 6-8: Played in home park of the AL champion on Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. Fans in stadium will be treated to free bobblehead dolls Saturday, free inflatable clapper sticks Sunday and free boxes that the bobblehead dolls were shipped in on Monday (Hey, we've got to rein in the spending somewhere.)

Games 9-12: In the event neither team that qualified for the World Series is the New York Yankees or the Boston Red Sox, the World Series teams will dress out for these games in the uniforms of those Eastern seaboard titans. Games 9 and 10 will be at Fenway on Thursday and Friday, Games 11 and 12 will be in the Bronx on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. All statistics from these games will be entered into the books of the clubs that earned their way to the World Series as well as the BoSox and Yanks.

Game 13: Played in AL team's home park Wednesday night. Winner of nationally sponsored fan contest will be allowed to be batboy for team of his or her choice.

Game 14: Played in AL team's home park Thursday night. Winner of stadium raffle will be allowed to enter each club house and rifle through player lockers in order to sample the steroids of his or her choice.

Game 15 and 16*: Will Ferrell leads the seventh-inning stretch and sings the National Anthem. (Provided to CBSSports.com)

Game 15 and 16*: Teams will play a day-night doubleheader at Wrigley Field. Comedian Will Ferrell will lead the crowd through the seventh-inning stretch with his Harry Carey impression. Ferrell will sing national anthem as tenderly as he performed Kansas' Dust in the Wind during Blue's funeral in Old School.

Games 17* and 18*: Teams will alternate home parks Monday and Wednesday nights. Through these games, every outfielder will be equipped with pneumatic T-shirt launchers to thrust promotional items to lucky fans -- including historic game balls Cooperstown doesn't want any more because they're for records that have been broken.

Game 19*: In order to avoid the north's cold weather this time of year, and to give the World Series an international flair, this Saturday night game will be played in Cuba. Fidel Castro will throw out the first pitch. This will generate millions of dollars of free publicity for Major League Baseball when nearly every op-ed writer denounces this game in their newspaper columns. Repeat this every year until Castro dies. After capitalism and casinos take root in Havana, the league will be praised as business visionaries for establishing an early foothold.

Game 20*: This Thanksgiving game will be played in Cancun. Travel firms can become promotional partners and bill this as a Spring Break for baseball fans. Peter Gammons will throw out the first pitch dressed as a pilgrim.

Games 21* and 22*: For these games played in Japan, the regular TV broadcasting crews will be on hiatus. Play-by-play and commentary will be provided by Chris Rock and Charles Barkley. So what if they're not 100 percent experts on baseball, at least they'll say entertaining things.

Game 23*: Merry Christmas! This game will be played in Hawaii, with June Jones throwing out the first pitch dressed as Santa Claus.

Game 24*: Happy New Year! This game will start at Dodgers Stadium once the ball drops on Times Square. Will feature pregame military flyover by fighter jets that will shoot down a biplane carrying a banner reading, "SELL THE CUBS TO MARK CUBAN!!!"

Game 25*: For international flair, this game will be played in Wembley Stadium. Unfortunately for the Brits, an 8:30 p.m. EST slot in prime time means the first pitch must go out at 12:30 a.m. local time. Hope they don't have to get up for work the next day.

Game 26*: Lion race in Rome's Colosseum. Winning lion gets to maul a Sausage Racer. (Getty Images)

Game 26*: For international flair, this game will be played in Rome's Colosseum. Taking a cue from the Milwaukee Brewers' Sausage Races, lion races will take place between innings for fans' excitement. Winning lion gets to maul a Milwaukee Brewers Sausage Racer.

Game 27*: For international flair, this game will be played in Antarctica. This could result in low spectator turnout, because United Nations treaties dictate beer sales be cut off after sixth inning. The first pitch will be thrown out by Alex Rodriguez, under the assumption that no team with Alex Rodriguez on its roster will ever make it to Game 27 of the World Series.

Game 28*: For traditional flair, this game will be played at Cooperstown. Also, this date will double as the new Spring Training reporting date for all other teams' pitchers and catchers.

Game 29*: Finally, all the highs and lows come down to this ultimate showdown. Major League Baseball achieves its goal of matching the Super Bowl's TV ratings -- by setting Game 29's start time 25 minutes after the final gun of the Super Bowl. MLB executives pray they can hold the NFL's lead-in audience.

*-if necessary