Today is Halloween. Also known as the Slutty Girl Olympics. Inevitably by now your girlfriend or wife has decided to dress as something sexy and you've come to realize that men really don't have much of a purpose on Halloween.
If a man dresses sexy, he's gay. So most men dress goofy. My last three costumes: a 15th century guy wearing tights (this was my Facebook profile picture for two years and it made every guy who saw it uncomfortable because I wore tights), one of the Three Amigos, and a vaguely unreliable bearded guy wearing a mask and carrying a cap gun. My wife's last three costumes: A sexy bunny, a sexy video game character -- Lara Croft -- and something else that was so sexy that I can't remember any more. I think you're seeing a theme.
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| Guys' Halloween costumes: Silly and dumb. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
Worst of all, the guys who do have a lot of interest in dressing up make every other guy feel uncomfortable about not caring. Chances are you know one of these annoying guys. He'll start dressing up at work for a week before Halloween and he's inevitably the same guy who wears the Santa hat for the entire month of December. Women love these men at Halloween because they're so gung-ho about costumes and there's zero chance they have to worry about this man/woman actually trying to sleep with them.
Because the testes on these guys haven't descended. Which is convenient because it makes their Vienna Boys Choir ensemble costume that much more realistic.
These guys send out Halloween party invitations and when you tell one of them you're coming to his stupid party but you're not going to be wearing a costume, he'll send you back an angry e-mail saying that's fine, but if you come without a costume he won't let you inside. (Has anyone ever actually followed through on this threat?) Then he e-mails your wife or girlfriend and reiterates the challenge and your wife or girlfriend comes home, straps on her red, 18-inch high heels and white nurses outfit (oh look, she's a sexy nurse!) that shows off her entire butt and every possible ounce of her cleavage and walks around the bedroom until you're willing to agree to do anything.
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| Typical girls' Halloween costumes: Sexy. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
All because she's dressing sexy for Halloween. Women know this. They know they own Halloween. And because of it, chances are you're going to end up in some ridiculous costume pretending that you actually want to be in a ridiculous costume. If, by chance, you muscle your way into the party without a costume, then Halloween dress-up guy and his costumed boys choir cohorts are going to come up to you while you fill up your beer on their pony keg and say one of two things by way of greeting, a. "Too cool to dress up?" or b. "Oh, you're supposed to be (insert your actual name here)." Then he'll giggle and offer you a fist pound. Don't worry, the jello shots will make him pass out later. But until then you'll want to murder him.
In the interests of helping out those of you in need of last minute sports costumes, here's a roster of 14 appropriate, yet easy ClayNation costumes to pull off.
1. Go as the guy host of the party that you hate. Blow up a color picture of his face in an unflattering pose, attach a string and wear the same outfit that he was wearing in the photo. If he complains, point out his costume rule. (I stole this idea from my friend Shaw who dressed up as our friend Krishna this year.)
2. Spray paint a Miami Dolphins jersey pink: You're a pink dolphin.
3. Clamp two Pound Puppies in jumper cables and wear them around your neck while carrying a water bottle: You're Mike Vick's electrocutor.
4. Wear a London Fletcher jersey and say you are the city of London, according to Channing Crowder.
