Watching a football game at the Applebee's bar is sort of like playing secondary for the Tennessee defense. You know you're going to get burned, you're just not sure how. Several people have written in wanting to know where I was during the second half of South Carolina-UT and why I haven't commented on that game. For the record, I was at Applebee's.
The reason I haven't written anything about this was twofold: Because it was so painful to describe and because I'd already written 3k words on the Cocktail Party that same day. So I've decided to go back in time and tell you why you never, under any circumstances, want to watch a football game at Applebee's. Not that you needed to hear this from me but even still, a truer statement has never been made in this column. So here we go with my evening at Applebee's. I have alternated this night with extensive ruminations about Arkansas' Darren McFadden and his upcoming game this weekend in Knoxville.
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| Searching for a sports bar? Just give up and go to an Applebee's. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
For the next hour we drove around in the Jacksonville suburbs and managed to get completely lost. I have no idea how a city can be so sprawling and yet contain nothing at all. Several times we drove through huge avenues of dark roads with no other cars, saw lights ahead in the distance, and arrived to find sushi restaurants and wine stores. Yep, each one of these in trendy strip malls built, presumably, for people who must live somewhere. But appear nowhere near us. If you wonder what the world would look like if suddenly the entire human population didn't exist, go to the Jacksonville suburbs on a Saturday night.
2. Darren McFadden is going to end up with more undergrad students in his bed than Josh McNeil. Incidentally, if you're Josh McNeil, you don't call a press conference and explain away this story. You keep your mouth shut about how you got three girls into your bed and pretty soon you've got six girls in your bed at the same time. Guaranteed.
3. While we were lost on the never-ending and empty roads of Jacksonville, my friend Tardio kept saying over and over again, "I'm never getting a rental car without Garmin again." Occasionally he altered this phrasing and said, "Garmin is the greatest invention ever. You just type in sports bar and it tells you how to get there. No matter where you are. Garmin gets it done." Basically there's no greater adherent to Garmin in the world than Tardio.
4. If you type in Darren McFadden on Garmin when you're in Knoxville, these are the directions: Turn Left on Philip Fulmer Way, Proceed to 1720 Volunteer Drive, Enter Gate 21 of Neyland Stadium. Walk to checkerboard end zone ... Darren McFadden.
5. Eventually we end up at the largest outdoor mall in the western hemisphere where there's a Neiman Marcus, a Cheesecake Factory, a Maggiano's, every fancy retailer you can think of, acres of parking lot where potential customers could park if they knew this mall existed or actually lived there. And yet another Applebee's. At this point halftime is approaching and we decide to stop fighting our fate. "I hate Applebee's," Tardio says. By which he means he's never searched for it on Garmin.
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| Darren McFadden steamrolled over South Carolina. (Getty Images) |
7. Two men can't sit beside each other on the same side of the booth at Applebee's and watch a game. This is Tardio's rule. UT is leading 14-0, so I'll sit anywhere. Tardio won't. So he sits across from me and spends the next three hours facing the opposite direction so he can see the television. Anything to keep from sharing the same side of the booth as me.
8. Darren McFadden is going to rush for 436 yards, kick Smokey in the groin, throw two touchdown passes, impregnate eight undergrads and make Houston Nutt scream 16 yee-haws into his headset. Then the second quarter is going to start.
9. Amazingly, Applebee's has flat screens. Yet, despite splurging for the flat screens, Applebee's has no HD. Or sound. We are located at the tables alongside the bar. Let me just say this, if your Saturday night plans ever include the phrase, "Hell, let's go down to Applebee's and get plastered," just stay home and drink on the doublewide's porch. It's cheaper and your smell is less noticeable.
10. Darren McFadden went for the Orange Chicken Bowl at the Fayetteville Applebee's one Thursday and now every single female undergrad at Arkansas goes back every Thursday just hoping he's going to be there.
