The Notre Dame football season has been a long and excruciating tumble into obsolescence, in no small measure because Notre Dame has managed to lose to everyone but UCLA. (By the way do you think Karl Dorrell lies awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how he lost to Notre Dame? If you said anything but yes you're a fool.)
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| Obviously Air Force was too tough for Notre Dame. Time to turn it down a notch. (US Presswire) |
Everyone has recently been piling on Charlie Weis by pointing out that he's not really that good of a coach and that Ty Willingham never lost nine games in a season. Which is true. Gone are the days when Weis barely lost to USC with Willingham's players and everyone called him a genius. Now Charlie Weis is just a fat man with a bad football team. But to be fair to Charlie he does have one more college football coaching win than all 1.32 billion people who live in China. Also, one entire win more than you or I do. Which is something.
But I think everyone knows what Notre Dame's problem is: It has overscheduled. You can't expect a team to be ready to play Navy and Air Force in back-to-back weeks. How did that work in World War II for Germany? Exactly. It's a recipe made for disaster. Then to follow that up with Duke and Stanford? The two most academically challenging upper tier football teams in the country? That's asking way too much. Especially with finals coming on for both schools. Changes have to be made.
I think it's high time Notre Dame reconfigures its schedule to take account of its standing in college football. After all, most success is putting oneself into a position to succeed. That's why I've refashioned a 2008 football schedule for Notre Dame filled with 12 new challenges. Don't worry once it gets on a roll, Notre Dame can still have its East Coast fan base agog at its offensive firepower. After all, Jimmy Clausen's not getting back to the College Football Hall of Fame on the strength of his understated announcement alone.
Notre Dame 2008 schedule (proposed)
9/6: Dillon Panthers (Friday Night Lights) -- Even with Coach Eric Taylor back there's going to be a lot of work for him to do to make up for Smash's graduation. The 2008 team may gel, but it might not. It's important to test your team early. Plus, there's NBC convergence here so this actually makes a ton of cross-promotional sense.
9/13: United States Merchant Marine Academy -- It's painfully obvious to everyone that Navy and Air Force in the same season were far too challenging. It's time to dial it back a bit.
9/20: at Appalachian State -- This win would go a long way towards demonstrating that Notre Dame could hang with Michigan. By hang with Michigan we mean lose.
9/27: Mount Union -- Nine time defending D-III champs are nothing to sneeze at. In fact rumor has it that Notre Dame is already contemplating breaking its contract and scheduling Oberlin instead.
10/4: Hickory High -- Some people say you don't really prove anything by beating a 1950s basketball team on a football field. Charlie Weis knows what to call these idiots ... Boston College fans.
10/11: Losing Lingerie Bowl Team -- Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. If Notre Dame's defenders can't tackle buxom women wearing thigh-high garters and corsets then it has bigger issues than losing football games. Bonus points, Tom Hammond will love this game.
10/25: U.S. Coast Guard Academy -- It's important to continue to compete against top-notch future military officers. Also, this allows Notre Dame to dodge Fork Union Military Academy. Some people think playing high school football teams guarantees college football victory. Charlie Weis is far too shrewd to fall into that trap. The only trap Charlie Weis falls into is a pit covered with leaves and a chocolate cake.
11/1: at D.C. United -- It's important to keep the recruiting pipeline open in the D.C. area but it's also important to play a team in the D.C. area that Notre Dame can beat. Ergo, Navy is gone and on come the four-time MLS Cup champions.
11/8: Notre Dame's Fellowship of Christian Athletes flag football team -- These guys were pretty tough last year. In particular their trick play where they put Jimmy Clausen in a car filled with alcohol but didn't allow him to touch it will give Notre Dame's defenders fits.
11/15: Miami Dolphins -- Word is Cleo Lemon hasn't forgotten being spurned by Notre Dame which resulted in his attending Arkansas State. Cleo Lemon is hoping that by playing Notre Dame so close to Thanksgiving a salivating Charlie Weis will keep thinking he's a turkey glaze as opposed to a quarterback.
11/22: at West Canaan, Coyotes -- Matchup of two control freaks as head coaches, Bud Kilmer and Charlie Weis, plus young hotshots at quarterback in Johnny Moxon and Jimmy Clausen. Ratings goldmine.
11/29: at Washington -- The only holdover from the 2008 schedule and the last game of the 2008 campaign. Little known fact: NCAA regulations require Notre Dame to play at least one Division 1 FBS team in order to qualify for the BCS Championship Game. Weis ensured that this game would be played at night in the state of Washington in hopes that his slobbering East Coast fan base would forget that this game ever happened. Fat chance.
