We interrupt this NFL season to take a step back and take stock of the coaches who are getting things done from the sidelines.
In short -- it's time to separate the Lombardis from the Wannstedts.
Is your guy a household name? Is he a figurehead or a scapegoat? A "yes man" or a real man of genius? A future Hall of Fame candidate -- or just another random schmuck who lucked into the right job at the right time?
Let's count down the coaches from weakest credentials to strongest. We're looking for men who exude leadership and piss excellence.
Feel free to throw the red challenge flag if I'm off the mark.
Captain Clueless Brigade (and a pinch of rookie hazing)
32. Cam Cameron, Miami Dolphins. Hate to pick on the first-year head coach who inherited a dead shark of a roster. But to borrow a Dennis Miller joke, "This guy's got as many wins as an NFL head coach as I do, and I'm not even a (bleepin') coach." Cam, if you're feeling stressed about how many playmakers are being given away to other teams like candy (Wes Welker, Chris Chambers) or how many are falling to injury (Ronnie Brown, Zach Thomas), at least you'll be able to chill at Ricky Williams' pad soon enough.
31. Scott Linehan, St. Louis Rams. After seeing him work the sidelines in his second year, I wonder if instead of reading play-calling charts he might be better suited to adding the cover sheets to the TPS Reports. This is a guy whose NFL assistant experiences were as offensive coordinator under Mike Tice and then Nick Saban, so it's not as though he's the product of superior mentoring programs. Ah, heavy is the head that wears the Motorola headset.
Speaking of Motorola, the company sponsors a page on NFL.com to salute a coach of the week. One of this week's nominees is Linehan, on the strength of his team winning its first game of the season. Folks, if we set the bar any lower, we're going to send coaches to Canton for winning the opening coin toss.
30. Bobby Petrino, Atlanta Falcons. Cue the Nelson Muntz "Ha-ha!" chortle. This guy strung along Louisville fans for years before he took what he thought was his next big step. Except he stepped right into Michael Vick's dog crap. If he can't straighten out his quarterback situation and find leadership in a locker room that just saw ownership turn its back on its best player, Petrino's going to be the next in a long line of college coaches who tanked in the pros. Make sure to send a postcard when you get back to the Big East, OK Bobby?
29. Lane Kiffin, Oakland Raiders. The boy wonder, age 32, steps out of the USC Trojans' sunshine spotlight into the Black Hole. Hey, maybe someday he'll be the next Jon Gruden. Today, he looks like the clerk in charge of the afternoon rush at Marble Slab Creamery.
28. Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings. Unbelievable that this is who the Vikings upgraded to after kicking Iron Mike Tice to the curb. So he's in his second year of his first stint as a head coach when he stumbles onto the winning lottery ticket of Adrian Peterson. Now comes a knee injury that's the equivalent of him scratching off the ticket's "Do not scratch this area" circle. Then again, it must be hard to inspire confidence when your mug shot makes you look like Michael Jeter, the guy who played Elmo's friend Mr. Noodle.
27. Norv Turner, San Diego Chargers. Here's my theory on why Turner keeps getting re-hired. His agents and some league marketing people have in the works a video game called "Norv Turner's NFL Carousel." The object is you can play Norv Turner teams against each other. Select from his teams as offensive coordinator ('91-'93 Cowboys, 2001 Chargers, '02-'03 Dolphins, '06 49ers) vs. his head coaching destinations ('94-'00 Redskins, '04-'05 Raiders, '07 Chargers). Game will not come included with a playoff function, since putting Norv Turner in charge of a Super Bowl team would tear a hole in the space-time continuum.
