It seems that for little girls, there's no other fairy tale so wondrous as that of Cinderella finding a new life once her glass slipper fits.
Maybe that's why there's magic in the air when a room full of Robobabes slip on their white go-go boots as part of the outfit that will make them Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
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| DCC group shot. (Getty Images) |
Join the squad: The few ... the proud ... the frisky and flexible.
I subjected myself to about four hours of excruciating boredom watching these episodes ... yet there is no doubt in my mind that the show drastically improves when you watch their dance rehearsals in slow motion.
OK, I don't want to come off as a complete degenerate here. After all, this is basic cable programming, not late-night Skinimax.
Yet the entire point of the show -- the entire point of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders -- is sex appeal.
But I'm not going to accept all the blame for falling down the voyeur hole. During a dance rehearsal montage, the show plays Nelly Furtado's Maneater , which clearly used the lyrics: "Come on everybody whatcha here for?/Move your body around like a nympho."
And you wonder why Debbie Does Dallas is one of the most popular adult films of all time, while Making the Team is forgettable, disposable reality show babble.
The look-but-don't-touch philosophy is best summed-up by Kelli Finglass, director of the DCC. (Yes, the squad often is referred to as DCC. Is there a more unsexy acronym than DCC? It sounds like a serial code prefix for a product you would order out of a plumbing catalog.)
In a voiceover when she supervises the fitting of the world-famous costume on the girls for the first time, she says:
"There are many key details we're looking for with the uniform fitting. The hem line of the shorts has to be at a flattering length. The waist of the shorts has to be revealing and sexy yet in good taste. The scallop of the blouse, the fit of the bust, it all really has to almost mold their body."
See, you paid attention when I typed that all out. But if you were listening to that voiceover during footage of girls trying on these uniforms, you wouldn't have heard a damn thing she said.
Reality TV at its worst
Here, in descending order, is what you can expect to be inundated with throughout the stupefying repetitive format of each episode:
Abs, abs and more abs from heaven ... pearly white smiles ... big hair ... Texas accents ... butt cheeks peeking underneath napkin-sized shorts... contortionist-level leg stretching ... sports bras ... cleavage ... dance rehearsals ... and skimpy bikinis.
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| Random DCC photo No. 1 (Getty Images) |
Here's why the show doesn't work as a compelling reality TV. There are no villains. Thus there's no scheming or backstabbing.
The supposed tension is that a squad of 43 women has to be whittled to 36. So are we supposed to be upset when seven girls who are indistinguishable from one another are told to leave? Heck, the women in charge of kicking people off -- spoiler alert! -- decide at the end of the final episode that they won't cut the final two girls on the bubble, and they'll be one big happy Texas-sized family of 38 squad members. Yeehaw! What a copout.
When my wife forces me to watch figure skating, I can appreciate the grace and beauty and athleticism of what's spinning around the rink. But there's also that huge part of the back of my mind that's waiting for -- wham! -- some disaster to happen, and someone to crack her head on the ice.
For the cheerleader show, it's just watching PG-rated shots of tushes bouncing around. The best I could be hoping for is a wardrobe malfunction, but that would have been edited out way ahead of time.
I didn't even learn all that much about the cheerleaders' personalities. But at least when I look at the online version of the DCC team portrait, I can identify some by sight. "Oh! There's that redhead who had to work on her kicks." Then I can click on the gal and get her full bio. My favorite bit of useless information? For the question, "If I had a different job, I'd be" one girl wrote "CIA agent." Is it allowable to be both a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and a Bond girl? At least the Bond girl would find a villain to get in a cat fight with.
No suspense + no villains + sorority house bonding = boring eye candy.
Ways I would improve the show
1. As is, each episode devotes a few minutes to the two women in charge of the DCC giving stern critiques to the girls in the privacy of their office. Most of the time, they address the girls' shortcomings using the phrase "Our concern is ..." I got so used to hearing "Our concern is ..." that I envisioned they should hire Philip Seymour Hoffman for their personal assistant so he could reprise his role of Brandt from The Big Lebowski. It's much more entertaining to hear him say, "This is our concern, Dude."
(Idea for Big Lebowski sequel: Get the Dude to teach the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders how to bowl.)
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| Random DCC photo No. 2 (Getty Images) |
3. Introduce an ugly ducking who needs an extreme makeover. As is, the cheerleader candidates come in pretty well-scrubbed and polished from the start. Or maybe they can go the Sandy Olsson route and turn a nice girl into a tramp. Imagine hearing a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader purring, "Tell me about it, stud."
4. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are definitely at the top of the food chain of male fantasy roles for idealized women. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't have to catfight to keep their top spot.
Have them get in weekly team-up battles against other male fantasy archetypes. You know, Hooters waitresses, Victoria's Secret model football players. (To avoid a conflict of interest, I won't compare how the DCC rank next to the Maxim girls who appear on the SPiN home page.)
At one point of the series, their quest for uniformity reminded me of how the girls used to look in the background of those Robert Palmer videos. I jotted that in my notebook, and not a minute later "Simply Irresistible" started playing for their workout montage. I showed my wife, Miriam, my notebook to prove the amazing coincidence that just occurred.
Once that excitement was over, I casually mentioned, "Plus, you know, Robert Palmer has to be on that list of Top 10 Celebrities That the Majority of People Don't Realize is Dead."
That's when Miriam was shocked. "Robert Palmer is DEAD!?"
Yup. A coupla years now.
5. Marketing cross-promotions. During the series, it was unveiled that Mattel will produce a line of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Barbie dolls. Bravo. But does that mean Ken would come dressed as Tony Romo? Would they unveil a Terrell Owens doll and shower stall play set so that the kiddies can reenact that wacky Monday Night Football where Nicollette Sheridan drops her towel? The possibilities are endless.
Anyway, I hope my thoughts on the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders reality show proved entertaining and informative. I would suggest learning all you can about them, in case you are frozen in suspended animation for 200 years and have to explain today's society to a future historian. You don't want to come off like Woody Allen in that scene from Sleeper, when he's sorting through various 20th century artifacts:
"This is a centerfold from a magazine we used to call Playboy. Which, um-- these girls didn't exist in actual life, you know? They were rubberized. You had to blow them up, and then you'd fasten it. You could spread ointment on them or anything else that you-- I'll just take this and, you know, study it later and give you a full report on it."
