Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to Tim Tebow. Especially now that the Heisman Trophy has been modified. (Credit to Patrick Large for sending me this first.) On to All That and a Bag of Mail:
Michael D. writes:
"Hello Clay -- I would like you to help settle a marital dispute. My wife and I just had a baby boy and I am I huge GA fan. Unfortunately for me I married into a South Carolina family. Well her family thought it would be funny to get our son cute little USC outfits. Well this of course struck a nerve in me and I sort of got upset. Is it OK for me to get upset about this? If anyone can understand my dilemma here it would be you -- I mean I cannot allow my son to wear opposing team's outfits. Can I?"
First of all congrats on the son. You don't have to pull a Henry VIII and leave your wife for failing you and having a daughter. After all, misdirected blame is a healthy part of all successful marriages.
On to your question, no, you can't allow him to wear the USC gear. And your family should respect this fact. People who aren't true sports fans always try and pull stuff like this because it seems cute and funny to them. That's swell, but it works both ways. Inevitably the people who pull tricks like this love cats. Here's what you do: This Christmas buy a dildo and attach it to one of those Christmas stocking caps they make for cats. Give it to your in-laws after the kids are down for the night and insist that the cat wear it, be photographed wearing it, and have to continue to wear it through the night. Not so funny now, is it? Those South Carolina clothes for your son will disappear in a hurry.
Matthew Leamons writes:
"Clay I was just reading your bag of mail column and noticed the BGID shirt. I think you should have a T-shirt contest for an official T-shirt for the ClayNation. I have a few ideas myself for your official T-Shirt. Maybe a "making it hail" T-shirt since not all of us are BGID and we do not have enough money to make it rain. It would be fun to see what ideas people have. Just a thought. Love your column and your book."
This is a great idea. Although I have no idea how many people will actually take the time to design shirts. But I like the concept. Here's what we'll do. When you design a T-shirt, send me the link to the T-shirt or post it on our Facebook group and we'll ultimately set up a vote to let readers select which one they think works the best. The winning T-shirt designer will receive a substantial prize. And by substantial, what I really mean is insubstantial. But you will receive the undying glory of being the official T-shirt designer for the ClayNation column. This is sort of like being the student manager who got to take the urine soaked towels at the Kansas State game. In response to Ben Morrissey's question, I never stooped this low in my days as the worst student manager in GW history.
Here's a link to at least one place where you can create your own T-shirt.
If someone knows of a way to set up a single page where all the T-shirt contestants can be displayed, that's an ideal option. Of course, I have no idea how to do this.
Brandi writes:
"I knew it! I knew you were in the building Saturday. Didn't you promise that you weren't going to any more Tennessee road games this year? Didn't you? I am too lazy to research the exact quote after the 'Bama game. Come on, don't you know that this game was way too important for you to show up for? Forget Ainge, I blame you and the orange pants for this one, Clay!
First of all, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the Tennessee fans who wrote the column and requested that I not go to the SEC Championship Game. And for the UT message board thread featuring fans who were requesting me not to go to the game. There's nothing like logging on to a message board to see whether your backup tailback is going to be playing and the first post at the top of the page being, "Official Keep Clay Travis from going to Atlanta thread."
What I said after Alabama was that I wasn't going to any more UT road games. The Georgia Dome was basically a home game. Officially it was a neutral site. So it wasn't relative to my comments.
After the SEC Championship Game, I was 1-4 in UT games this year. Don't worry, I'm not going to the Outback Bowl.
Thomas Owens writes:
"Last weeks episode of Friday Night Lights storyline seemed to bear a striking resemblance to Michael Lewis' The Blind Side. It detailed a rich white guy taking in an orphaned minority who had lived an extremely rough life. Like Michael Oher, this kid, a Latino named Santiago, happened to be a promising high school football player who had never played the game. My question for you is this: Are you or are you not in negotiations with any networks to lend the storyline of Dixieland Delight to one of their programs? If your answer is no, might I suggest you begin your shopping at the Discovery Channel? I believe Man vs. Wild would be the perfect complement for the adventures outlined in your book. I am sure Bear Grylls would love to take a break from eating maggots and drinking elephant poop juice to get drunk with college coeds and smuggle cow bells in his underwear. It would seem to be the perfect fit. I enjoyed your book every bit as much as Lewis', although in quite a different way, so I think that this would have to be the obvious next step."
Every time my wife sees me watching Man vs. Wild, she says, "I don't understand why you watch this show. You hate the outdoors." Which is true. Once you have a place to sleep indoors, the concept of choosing to sleep outdoors makes zero sense to me. This is like becoming a born-again virgin. Mankind struggled for thousands of years to be able to escape the elements and now you want to reverse the process? Right now, I'm in the process of helping to plan two bachelor parties. Both of which are supposed to be outdoorsy bachelor parties. Please shoot me. Once you're married, bachelor parties are pretty much your only perfectly acceptable excuse to see bare breasts. And your guy friends want to throw this away so you can be cold and drink beer in a teepee? I get angry just writing about this. I'm stopping now before this turns into a rant.
Having said all this, if Bear Grylls invited me to spend a week with him anywhere, I'd go. This might be gay of me, but I don't even care.
John writes:
"Clay, beer pong rule 1: Women blow. Simple as that. But just out of curiosity were you shaking a pompon while you were blowing balls? Just wanted to get an idea of the degree of heterosexuality you were lacking being beardless and all. ... I'm not reading your column till you renounce blowing balls in the name of winning a beer pong game. I expect that kind of action at GW, but not from a Vol fan."
Well, blowing balls is really popular at GW. It's like the national pastime of girls from Long Island. That and nose jobs. But on to beer pong. In my day there was one blowing rule, when the ball hit the rim of the cup and didn't immediately sink but instead begin spinning around the rim you could blow the ball out of the cup. After much thought, I can see how this is extremely lacking in heterosexuality. Plus, I'm prepared to announce a general beer pong rule: Only women can use sexuality to their benefit or disadvantage during beer pong. Admit it, how many times have you lost a beer pong game because some girl was working her cleavage just above the pyramid? A ton, right? Even if it's ineffective, you pretend it is effective because the girls will keep doing it then. That's effective taunting when you encourage it to occur even though it hinders your performance. That's because it's pleasurable taunting. Like the exact opposite of trash talk ... beer pong foreplay.
Matt B. writes:
"More likely victor in a street fight between Coach O and Les Miles? Coach O. has the size advantage, but I've never seen any man with more rage than Les Miles. When he starts screaming during his halftime interviews, in response to seemingly benign questions, I get all tingly. I think we can all be sure that there would be no use of language-based sounds during that clash."
Is the Michigan job on the line? Or if he wins will Les Miles be able to call Michigan and give them advice on their new coach? I loved that last line by Miles because everyone can see through it. Remember when you were trying to get a new girlfriend and the girl you liked had just started getting hit on by a bunch of other guys. How you would talk to her about the guys she was hanging out with in an effort to end up hooking up with her? This is what Miles is doing with Michigan. LSU going to the national championship game is the equivalent of the girl you want to break up with after both of her parents die. You can't leave then.
On to the fight. Miles would enter full of confidence. I don't believe there's a man alive that Les Miles wouldn't expect to beat one-on-one. But Coach O. would enter the ring with a Red Bull and pork rinds. He wouldn't even realize there was a fight scheduled. O. would take the Miles bull rush and then just level him. Honestly, I don't even think it would be close. But you're right, neither man would speak. If you've ever wondered what a Neanderthal battle for the best cave was like, this is your fight.
Zach writes:
"I recently graduated from college and am glad to be out. However, I would go back, and in whatever amount of student loan debt it took, for a school that offered 'how many KDs will fit in one bed' as a major. Except to my alma mater, and that is only because the Chi Os are better looking."
They used to offer it at UT, but then Travis Henry stopped paying child support. This is one of those mysteries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop. It's a mystery because there are comparatively few people who are such stars they could find out. For instance, if Tim Tebow weren't so religious, I'd believe whatever his answer was. He could find out. Unfortunately he won't. That's why he can't be a multiple Heisman winner. Two-time Heisman winners have to be people who transcend sports and become someone who you truly wish you could be for a week off the field too.
Damon Smith writes:
"My friends and I LOVE your articles!! You prove to us that if we fail at our jobs, we could always get one of those online degrees and become sports writers. With the crap you put up here, you prove that you only really need about a middle-grades education to produce that kind of work. Keep up the great articles, a good laugh that makes you cry really eases the stresses of the day. You are why sports columnist are a joke."
Damon, Damon, Damon. To begin, I am why sports columnists (plural) are a joke. Not singular. Secondly, a middle-grades education? Somebody tricked the eighth-grade pre-algebra teacher into passing them, didn't they? Quick, what's the square root of 144? Yep, who's laughing now?
Devin writes:
"Will you please help me with the following: 1. Is it appropriate to constantly sign ... the ClayNation sign (at games)? Or does the antebellum pregnant daughter of CBS have a rival writer who would attempt to take me out ... possibly the twisted first cousin that impregnated you? 2. Who would pick up more women ... McFadden or Tebow? 3. Who is the guy who carries Fulmer's cord to his headset? If you have never noticed him, you must look for him. Even on a wonderful JP/LF broadcast, he has larger man boobs than anyone on the team. He might look better on the sideline of Hawaii than Tennessee."
Taking these in order. 1. Constant signing might be a bit much, but I don't have a rival writer. At least not that I'm aware of. Actually, perhaps, New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman. Friedman has a mustache, and I get the feeling that if he knew me he'd be intimidated by the fact that I'm a BGID. 2. McFadden by default. See logic above. 3. Gerald Harrison. Each year he looks more and more like Fulmer. As such he's now known among my friends as Bulmer. This is an extremely witty construct that identifies him as the Black Fulmer. My understanding is that he was born in Hawaii and always wins at beer pong via default because he leans over and unintentionally shows cleavage to opposing male players.
Timmy writes:
"Based on your recommendation I purchased the Meat Market book. When I told my brother I just bought a book called Meat Market, he gave me a funny/confused look. I had to quickly explain it was about college football. Thanks for that awkward moment."
We all have our crosses to bear. A few weeks ago I was the subject of much e-mail ridicule because if you click Clay Travis on Amazon, the fourth result is a book called: Tag Team Studs by Clay Caldwell and Aaron Travis. It got so bad I didn't even want to check my e-mail that day.
