Bar Room Banter: Brady's boot, sports fams and Oscar nods
Jan. 24, 2008
It's that time again, the lull before the Super Bowl storm. Steve Sears and Eric Kay have just the recipe: Bourbon, scotch and one beer.
STEVE SEARS
ERIC KAY
BOURBON QUESTION:On the Grant Hill Scale of Fragility Table, how hurt do you really think Tom Brady is?
His career is over! Bring back Drew Bledsoe for the Super Bowl! Or not. As is often the case these days, this is much ado about nothing. While Eric Kay goes Oliver Stone on this story, I'll go Larry King and just sleep through it. Tom Brady will be fine and ready to go for the Super Bowl. But seeing Brady limp around New York City reminded me of the millions of times Kay has trudged into work with a bad back from watching a 10-hour Mr. Belvedere marathon. The toughness he showed sitting in his office chair for nine hours really is the stuff of legend. Like D.C. native Kay, I'm from a tough, corruption-infested area (Rhode Island) and can thusly appreciate his bravery and gumption. Tom Brady, while tough and dreamy, could learn a few things from him.
Here's what Stephen A. Sears is going to tell you: Tom Brady isn't hurt. This is just part of some grand master scheme by the quarterback and the coach to flex Boston's tom foolery-muscles with TMNT-Z. He's going to tell you something about injury reports and how the Patriots abuse them worse than an NBC primetime show and pop culture references (we get it Tina Fey, you know who Zac Efron is, awesome). My colleague will then say something like "Tom Brady in a walking boot is still better than the whole Manning family combined" and he'll follow it up with some unnecessary tasteless remark like "even the crippled one." But I won't go that route. This is all just a clever ruse. I imagine before no time we'll be hearing stuff about picking beans in Guatemala and Brady's time in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Ill.
SCOTCH QUESTION:Archie-mama! We're going to meet the Mannings (hello, Cooper!) more than usual the next two weeks. Who is the worst sports family or family member out there?
It's easy to bash the Mannings. They're ubiquitous, annoying and act like they are the first family of football. But I won't go the easy route here. I'll go the easy route by bashing Roger Clemens. His wife once whined that Fenway was too harsh on him when he brought his Yankee uniform to town. "They treated him worse than Hitler," she said. If you stab a fan base in the back and go to its hated rival, don't cry about a few boos and chants. And thrown batteries. Also, what's with naming all the kids with a "K" at the beginning? Seriously? I think "Fake Groin Injury," "Dave Stewart's play toy," and "I Thought It Was The Ball" would be more appropriate names. Just wait until one of his kin make it to the bigs. The proud parents in the stands would make Brenda Warner look like J.D. Salinger.
Are we still down on the Vicks or has that guilt ship sailed? What about Doug Christie's wife? Is she still considered a domineering b----? Sears, what's your thought on Theo Epstein's hubby, Peter Gammons? OK, OK. The most nauseating sports family is the Hogans. For a solid five primo years of my existence Hulk was the man. Hulkamania meant more to me than gold, glory, God and (Sega) Genesis. But now he's a carrot away from turning orange and wears a wig bandana. His hair is made at a Barbie factory. His daughter spends way too much time with people named Lohan. His son drives drunk on Fla. roads (those roads are for me to drive drunk on! I kid.) and now the Hulkster himself is left hosting a nausea-inducing reality show remake. Give me Suburban Commando 2: It's Gentrification Time before that strike fallout and give me a Hogan family that knows best ... about staying out of the spotlight.
BEER QUESTION:So E-Kay cries during 'Atonement' and that makes it Oscar-worthy? What are you most surprised about regarding the Academies' nominations?
I haven't seen many of the Oscar nominated films so I would not know what I'm talking about here, but that hasn't stopped Bullets fan Eric Kay from writing about sports. So here goes. No Country for Old Men was great and I'd give it Best Picture, Best Comedy, Best Wardrobe and Best Dutch Short Black-and-White Animated Film. There were a few surprises, namely they released the nominations before they had the chance to see the latest Rambo installment. It's like deciding what to eat at a restaurant by only looking at the first page of the menu. This is a travesty. Also, why wasn't Judi Dench nominated for anything? She had to have at least five seconds in one movie, eating a potato chip or something. I'll settle for some great Bruce Vilanch jokes at the Oscars.
Four words: Sheriff Ed Tom Bell. Tommy Lee Jones was nominated for the wrong movie. But really, today I'd like to talk to you about Norbit. Yes Norbit, a by-the-numbers comedy about racial and weight stereotypes was nominated for an Oscar. Yes, it was for a silly category, Best Achievement in Makeup, but c'mon. Big Momma's House 2 never got nominated. Jiminy Glick in Lalaland also never got nominated. Since when did putting on a fat suit make for an Oscar nod? When my grandkids surf IMDB.com several years from now and stumble on Norbit when doing a research project on president Terry Crews, I'll have to explain to them why on earth this celluloid turd was nominated for an Academy Award.
