EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.
The Great Super Bowl Space Warp of 2013
While there is no accurate assessment for how long space characters from other dimensions have infiltrated the NFL, the first recorded instance of one in the Super Bowl came in 2008.
For Super Bowl XLII, New England Patriots wide receiver Donte' Stallworth admitted he had a Martian alter-ego named Nicco.
Most noticeably, in 2013 there was a warp in the space-time continuum when aliens from across all galaxies and multiverses converged in the Super Bowl host stadium. Thank goodness the high rollers were secured in their luxury boxes by kickoff.
The following is the list of starting players at each position:
Offense
Center: Chewbacca the Wookiee. Has been known to rip arms out of the sockets of opposing defensive linemen ... and officials who call him for holding.
Left tackle: The Terminator, Cyberdyne Systems Model 101. Originally designed as a search-and-destroy middle linebacker, he has been reprogrammed to loyally protect the quarterback. Famous for playing hurt -- in his first divisional playoff game, he played for three quarters without any synthetic flesh attached to his metal endoskeleton.
Right tackle: Optimus Prime. Has really stepped up his game since he first entered the league in the '80s. Turning point was when he got flames painted on the side of his cab.
Left guard: Steve Austin. Made headlines when he was originally signed as a $6 million man, but now that figure doesn't seem so outrageous.
Right guard: The Monolith from 2001. What he lacks in mobility, he makes up for in ... well, being a wall. Will provide laser light shows on fan appreciation days. And the ladies love that he's so mysterious.
Tight end: Buzz Lightyear. And you thought Jeremy Shockey was full of himself ...
Wide receiver: Nicco. Earns more in endorsement money than Donte' Stallworth earns in salary, ever since Nicco filmed a fan-favorite commercial for Nabisco with Eli Manning.
Wide receiver: Neil Armstrong. He ends every long-distance touchdown reception by high-stepping into the end zone.
Fullback: Barf the Mawg. Half-man, half-dog, always loyally clearing the way as the sidekick for the rugged headliner.
Running back: Flash Gordon. Was previously the quarterback for the New York Jets, until he visited that trippy Mongo dimension and started listening to movie soundtracks by Queen.
Quarterback: Superman. You might better know the Last Son of Krypton by some of his aliases: Man of Steel, Kal-El, Tim Tebow, etc.
Defense
Defensive line: The Aliens. When they're called upon for the blitz package, look out. They bite, they claw. With long, spindly arms and legs they have great technique. Offensive linemen also have to account for the fact that they have acid for blood.
Middle linebacker: The Predator. Hey, it's getting to where half the defenders copy his hairstyle, so why not.
Strong-side linebacker: Yoda. Undersized for his position -- but then again, size matters not.
Weak-side linebacker: Bender, the Futurama robot. Has been suspended from the league multiple times because of his penchant for dirty play and love of strip clubs.
Cornerback: Silver Surfer. Even the tallest wide receivers find it impossible to elevate on a guy who can fly on a surfboard.
Cornerback: The T-1000 Terminator. Has lightning speed, single-minded focus on his target and excels in disguised blitz packages.
Free safety: Mork from Ork. Has horrible stats for tackles, knockdowns and interceptions, but is tops in the league in making wide receivers fall down laughing from his stream of consciousness jokes and nutty antics.
Strong safety: Jonathan E. Former Rollerball megastar bears striking resemblance to the '70s-era James Cann, who we earthlings will remember as having portrayed Chicago Bears running back Brian Piccolo in Brian's Song.
On the sidelines
Head coach: Commander Adama. Insert Lorne Greene vs. Edward James Olmos joke here.
Offensive coordinator: Morpheus. When not battling around the Matrix, he likes to tell his players: "Open your mind. Now open your 700-page playbook to page 326. We're working on tight end screens today. Or do they just appear to be tight end screens?"
Defensive coordinator: Spock. Asked once why he never employs the "prevent defense," he replied: "Because as an effective tactic, it has proved time and again to be highly illogical."
Team owner: Cosmo G. Spacely. Made his fortune as owner of Spacely's Sprockets, but meddlesome as an owner, when he storms the sideline and yells at everyone. Fortunately, he's too short for anyone to notice.
General manager: Marvin the Martian. Might not always be willing to pull the trigger on a trade, but always more than willing to pull the trigger on his Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator.
Special teams coach: Al Calavicci. With his computer, Ziggy, he can compute when's the right time for trickeration.
Team videographer: Dr. Zachary Smith. A shifty character who spends his time slinking around the sidelines. Not sure if he's trying to sabotage the opponents or his own team.
Sports information director: Winston Smith. Has held this position since 1984.
Sidelines communications chief: E.T.
Team physician: Dr. Zaius. Rush to see him if you were injured during a Statue of Liberty play.
Strength trainer: Prince Adam of Eternia (aka "He-Man"). We're not saying he needs to spend more time in the gym, but he should probably spend less time in the hair salon.
Referee: Robocop.
Bookie: Jabba the Hutt.
Broadcast booth: The cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Sideline reporter: Barbarella.
Cheerleaders: All dressed like Princess Leia in the metal bikini.
Cheerleader captain: Captain James T. Kirk's green chick from Star Trek.
Halftime show: The Voltron robot -- the one made up of like 20 cars and helicopters forming together, not the one with the five lions -- converts back and forth at midfield. Ooh! Ahh ...
Mascot: The Great Gazoo. Hey, it's probably cheaper to hire a Hanna-Barbara character than a Disney menace like Stitch.
