ClayNation: Lawyer: Tripp not guilty of fowl play

It's common knowledge now that Tripp Isenhour killed a red-shouldered hawk while filming a golf commercial. And that as a result of this fowlicide he's been charged with a violation of the migratory bird act and faces over a year in prison. Like most murderers of birds, Isenhour's greatest flaw is also his greatest success -- golf experts have described the odds of his successful killing of the hawk from the distance of his shot at several thousand to one. Every reader of the ClayNation column is glad they weren't there to engage in wagering with Isenhour about the odds of his hitting the hawk from that distance. Because then we'd all be facing accessory to fowlicide charges.

Watch out birds, it's Tripp Isenhour! (Getty Images)

As a result of the red-shouldered hawk's death Isenhour has become the latest person to be singled out by the media as a horrible person. Which makes complete sense. Because if you're anything like me you've never eaten a bird or an egg. Wouldn't even dream of it. Regardless, Isenhour's act has set off a firestorm of media attention. He's been branded a cold-hearted hater of all animals and Isenhour has gone on the offensive to display his animal lover bona fides by announcing that he's adopted three stray cats. Seriously, he did this. Which is fine. But what about all the dogs, iguanas, snakes, ferrets and sundry other living animals that died at the humane society because Tripp Isenhou didn't adopt them? Clearly their blood is all on your hands, Tripp, you cold-hearted hater of birds. You foul tempered fowlicider you.

Here at the ClayNation column we strive to bring voices to those who can't speak or are often ignored. We go after the angles most members of the media who aren't the pregnant antebellum daughters of CBS Sports miss. And we never forgo an opportunity to be outraged. Outraged! Especially when animals die. Because everyone knows that if Tripp Isenhour hadn't killed this lovely red-shouldered hawk it would have lived forever. Or been killed by a bigger bird. One or the other.

That's why we've brought you an attorney, John Bell Hood IV, speaking out in regards to the recent red-shouldered hawk that died. Even though the dead hawk couldn't have actually spoken even if it weren't, you know, a hawk (diligent research has uncovered that red-tailed hawks often make the kee-aah sound) it's important to cover this story with the majesty, pomp and circumstance which it so richly deserves. After all it's not every day a bird dies. So we bring you Tripp Isenhour's fabricated lawyer to speak on behalf of the bird and his client. (Note: We offered Randy Johnson an opportunity to provide a first-hand account of what it feels like to kill a bird while playing sports, but Johnson, understandably suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder in the wake of the new bird's death, issued a terse no comment.)

As a prelude that will allow you to better understand John Bell Hood IV's position keep in mind that one of the primary tenets of legal defense in America is the blame-the-victim strategy. You dive into the personal life and details that surround the victim and seek to cast aspersions on their character via these criticisms. You may not be able to prove that the crime wasn't committed but you can make the crime seem less serious or even, occasionally, deserved. Which brings us to this unique gambit of the attorney's position: How come no one ever blames the animals when they get killed and people are charged with the crime of killing them? Aren't other animals constantly trying to kill animals? Are animals without sin? Have animals never made a mistake or put themselves into compromising situations that they shouldn't have been involved in? Of course they have. So, voila, here's the press release that Tripp Isenhour's attorney will soon issue to help bring his client into the public's good graces.

"Dear ladies and gentlemen who like birds,

We come not to bury this red-shouldered hawk but to praise it.

First let me extend my heartfelt apologies to the red-shouldered hawk's family. It's truly a sad day when a living being of any sort dies. Earlier today I stepped on a roach. I've been crying since. So has Tripp. It's why both of our eyes are red-rimmed and why if we were speaking now our voices would be cracking. Even if the red-shouldered hawks' parents have no cognitive ability to remember that they are, in fact, parents, their pain is no less than debilitating.

As is my client's. Ladies and gentlemen my client loves birds. One of the first things he did when his children were born was take them outside and allow them to listen to the melodious tunes of his favorite birds. For 29 of his 39 years on this earth my client has put bird-feeders outside his house and kept them amply loaded with such bird delicacies as seeds and more seeds. Occasionally, like Jesus, my client would walk around in his yard with his palms turned upwards and allow birds to alight in his hand and feed from his own skin. Their beak to his skin, ladies and gentlemen, beak to skin.

Red-shouldered hawk (Provided to CBSSports.com)

This was no isolated and one-way bird love affair. In fact birds love my client. During one six-week period last year 48 birds killed themselves because they saw Tripp standing in his kitchen and were so overcome by love that they flew themselves into a clear glass window in an attempt to join him at breakfast. My client rushed outside and attempted to perform mouth to beak resuscitation on each of these birds. Every one of them. Once he succeeded and that bird now lives in a home in a tall cypress tree in a birdhouse that my client built with his bare hands and lots of popsicles. My client was so overcome by the deaths of the other 47 birds that he insisted that all the windows on his house be replaced with transparent Silly Putty that merely bounces the birds off rather than kill them. These transparent silly putty walls have increased his home-heating costs by 10,000 percent but I ask all of you, let he who also lives in houses with transparent Silly Putty windows cast the first stone.

Let's also not also forget that the red-shouldered hawk is a killer. Friendly field mice, spry chipmunks, happy-go-lucky lizards, and other sundry animals that were just as fond of life line the contours of its gizzard. And you speak of fowlicide, fowlicide? Why, none other than this red-shouldered hawk regularly kills house sparrows, mourning doves, and European starlings as they attempt to dine at bird feeders. At bird feeders, ladies and gentlemen. Imagine yourselves standing at your picture windows (not made of transparent Silly Putty) with your children. The harmonious calls of the birds as they feed on your seeds, the winsome grin of your own children, when out of nowhere descends from the sky this violent and capricious taker of life, this prevaricating killer, this red-shouldered hawk.

If Tripp Isenhour had been standing in your yard chipping golf balls and he'd struck this remorseless and calculating killer as he swooped down on your birdhouse, he'd be a hero. You'd build statues in his honor, you'd rename counties and public works buildings after him, it's altogether possible that the name Tripp Isenhour would echo through the ages alongside other such mythic men who have stood up for the dispossessed and underprivileged among us. Gandhi, Tripp Isenhour, Muhammad, Morgan Freeman. See how easily these names flow together? My client saved other birds. This was no fowlicide. Tripp Isenhower is a lover and savior of all things fowl. Because of him, ladies and gentlemen, your children near Grand Cypress Golf Course can watch smaller birds feed without fear of nature's wrath or without being troubled by such scientific hokum as survival of the fittest. No, ladies and gentlemen, Tripp Isenhour is a hero and that red-shouldered hawk got what it had coming. By acting, he saved us all. Kee-aah? Pshaw. Good riddance.

Sincerely,

John Bell Hood IV, esq.

Tripp Isenhower's attorney