Baseball purists are right to be furious at the New York Yankees and Billy Crystal.
Signing the comedian to a one-day contract as a 60th birthday present is pathetic. It reeks of the type of publicity stunt that would embarrass the minor-league promoters who think hot dog eating contests are an ingenious (and hygienic) crowd-pleaser.
Here is the lead to a story written by the Associated Press:
TAMPA, Fla. -- Billy Crystal will get to "look mahvelous" in pinstripes. The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday's exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.
For those of you born after the second Wayne's World movie, "You look mahvelous" was a mid-'80s catch phrase of Crystal's recurring Saturday Night Live character "Fernando." "It is better to look good than to feel good" was his oft-repeated credo.
I guess the best way to describe Fernando is that he was a legend-in-his-own-mind dandy of a faded movie star who held court with a celebrity talk show set in a restaurant booth. Like Dana Carvey's "Church Lady," Fernando was famous enough that people who watched the show back then remember the character, but not so popular that anyone made a movie out of it.
But click here for a YouTube clip of a Fernando music video Crystal did during that era. The clip should pretty much sum up what our entertainment options looked like in the pre-YouTube era.
Here's the point I'm trying to get to: Yes, we know Crystal is a huge Yankees fanboy. Fine, he directed the Roger Maris home-run chase movie 61*.
But that doesn't mean he deserves to make the cut for a spring training roster.
Heck, I say if someone made a baseball team of Saturday Night Live alums, he couldn't make the 25-man cut for THAT roster.
Check out the list below to see what I mean. Disclaimer: The list is based on the idea that we can recruit SNL guys who might happen to be dead (Belushi, Farley, Hartman). Failing that, Crystal probably would make the cut if the list included guys whose career is dead (Piscopo).
So enjoy the "what-if" aspect of seeing this team take the field by next week.
Pitchers, catchers and ex-"Weekend Update" anchors will report Sunday.
Catcher: John Belushi. His Samurai training makes him the perfect candidate to defend the plate. And swinging that sword gives him the hand-eye coordination to be a threat on offense, too. His time as an Olympic decathlete shows he knows how to stick to a training regimen. He'd be worth the $12 million a year Jorge Posada makes.
Reserve catcher: Chris Farley. Following in Belushi's footsteps, as always. Though it would be cool if some CGI-whiz could edit together a "Chris Farley Show" interview skit where he awkwardly fawns over Belushi.
Third base: Eddie Murphy. This is befitting for the star power of the performer who saved SNL in its darkest hours of the early '80s. Give him the A-Rod paycheck of $27.7 million a year. And on his off days, he can be the team mascot in his Gumby costume.
Shortstop: Adam Sandler. Actually, it's surprising that the Yankees haven't tried the Billy Crystal stunt already with Sandler. Then again, they pretty much let him have the run of Yankee Stadium for the end of Anger Management. Give him the salary of his hero Derek Jeter ($21.6 million), even though it would probably be a pay cut. As Roger Clemens would say: "Goosefraba."
Second base: Mike Myers. Hey, we know the Canadian loves his hockey. Maybe he's got some goaltending skills that would help him knock down line drives before they went through the five-hole.
First base: Bill Murray. One of SNL's signature jocks, the trick will be to get him away from the golf course.
Reserve infielders: Chevy Chase, Damon Wayans, Dennis Miller (who wrote one of the best Casey at the Bat takeoffs of all time, Darryl at the Bat).
Starting outfielders: Chris Rock, Colin Quinn and Garrett "Baseball has been berry, berry good to be" Morris.
Reserve outfielders: Tim Meadows, Rob Schneider. (Hey, someone's got to find work for these '90s vets. You could sub in David Spade for Rob Schneider if you think one if more physically coordinated than the other.)
Starting pitching rotation: Dan Aykroyd (he'd be the type of guy who could pitch into old age, because the older he'd get the more cerebral he would get with his placement. Pay him the pre-HGH Andy Pettitte price of $16 million). ... Norm MacDonald (though his mix of heat-seeking missiles and his penchant for flakiness might mean ownership would demand they get rid of him before he hit his prime. Give him Mike Mussina's $11 million). ... Kevin Nealon (what he lacks in power he makes up for in mental command ... as in the subliminal body language that fools opposing hitters into a swing and miss before he barely even releases the pitch. If Carl Pavano can take $10 million for barely doing anything, Nealon can make that much by making people believe he did something). ... Andy Samberg (youngster just brought up from the minor leagues might be able to pull of a remake of Major League as Charlie Sheen's Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn) ... and Joe Piscopo (though he's mostly still on the roster because Eddie Murphy likes him).
Middle relief: Jon Lovitz (he's not really a good pitcher, but he can convince us through his Master Thespian talents in Ahct-ING!!!). ... Tracy Morgan (though we wish he would show enough consistent flash that he can be elevated to a starter). ... Robert Downey Jr. and Randy Quaid (yes, they were cast members in the mid-'80s. Don't ask me why.).
Closer: Will Ferrell. Not only is the guy guaranteed to make you laugh in any SNL skit, he's probably working on a baseball movie right this moment where he plays a washed-up closer who has to get his nerves together to pitch one last big game. Hey, and his pal John C. Reilly can play the catcher role again, just like he did in Kevin Costner's For the Love of the Game. Look for it in theaters next month. And give him Mariano Rivera's salary of $10.5 million.
DH: Phil Hartman. The show's all-time greatest utility player. Though hopefully federal investigators can overlook Hartman's participation in the All-Drug Olympics. Give him Jason Giambi's DH money of $23.4 million.
Bat boy: Jimmy Fallon. Even though you know he'd be laughing at his own screwups the whole time.
P.S. Just like a Saturday Night Live sketch, this column has no ending. Good night.
