Just as it was inevitable that Brett Favre would break Dan Marino's touchdown record, it is inevitable in retirement that he will end up as a broadcaster.
Oh, I know the risk of writing a Brett Favre retirement article -- I can look like a fool a half-hour later when he announces that he's not really retiring at all.
But even if he plays for an NFL team in 2008, 2009 or into the second term of the Obama presidency, one day he will be staring into a TV camera with a mic in his hand as he breaks down why the Falcons and the Saints are playing for playoff positioning.
So let's look into the crystal ball and compare how his mouth can take over where his arm leaves off.
Mainstream talking points
My biggest fear is that his best form as an announcer will mirror his worst form as a quarterback -- the gunslinger who leaves every emotion on the field.
The No. 1 rule of sports journalism is "No cheering in the press box." (The No. 2 rule is to make sure you're first in line for the free buffet food.)
But during the heat of the game, I can picture him jumping up and down in the booth, givin' up the "Wahoos!" and "Yeehaws!" on the big touchdown drives.
And if an offense stalls, or the QB on the field throws a key interception, would Favre start weeping in sympathy?
Favre, please don't become your generation's Terry Bradshaw. To quote John Cleese's French castle guard in Holy Grail; "No thanks -- we already got one!"
Advice: If Favre is planning on riding his emotions in the booth, just throw the ball away.
It's a given that Favre will do better than Emmitt Smith. It's impossible for practically any ex-jock not to. Favre's first day of broadcaster training camp should be "Watch this highlight/lowlight footage of Emmitt Smith as an analyst and don't do what he does."
Prediction: High percentage completion.
The elder statesman
Since Favre is so damn old, it will be in short order that he will get his emotions under control and be presented as the Wise Man of the Mountain. There are two ways he can go with this.
He can be a blowhard in the Bill Walton mold. I don't see this happening. I'm sure there will be times that Favre might be tempted to morph into "that's the way it was in my day, dang it, and if you don't listen to me you're a fool." Favre strikes me as the type of guy who would very quickly get bored of the sound of his own voice.
Prediction: Incompletion on introspection
I can very much envision Favre growing into a Joe Morgan-type role. But that's because this is how I see Joe Morgan:
Joe Morgan always comes off to me as the dad of your best friend. One day you might go over to your friend's house and find your friend's dad is watching a ballgame. So you sit and shoot the breeze for a while. Then your friend has to go off and get something from another room, and you and your friend's dad are left alone. And your friend's dad keeps the conversation rolling with topics and insights from his generation that are sometimes interesting, sometimes outdated, other times slightly puzzling. But then when you and your friend have to leave, you think to yourself, "I'm not sure if sports were more interesting in his generation or mine, but I want to hear more about his."
Prediction: Touchdown!
Blazing his own path
Given Favre's reputation as a guy who knows how to scramble, let's not put him in a box by putting him in the booth. Here are some other multimedia adventures that might suit his talents:
Give Favre his own talk show. My favorite working title: Brett Favre's Stubble Talk (brought to you by Gillette! The best a Favre can get!) Every couple of weeks, they can find one of his ex-wide receivers to be his sidekick to laugh at his jokes. Give him a house band, celebrity interviews. At best, he can be a quirky alternative in the Craig Ferguson mold.
But if Favre gets cranky, I could certainly see this descending into those scenes in Casino when Robert DeNiro's character stares directly into the camera of his self-made talk show and spouts off from a cold and distant soapbox.
Prediction: Up for grabs.
Question: No matter what type of show he gets into, do you think Favre would wear a suit and tie as a broadcaster? Or would he pull what Bobby Knight did on ESPN's March Madness coverage and show up in sweatshirts? Favre strikes me as a casual Friday type of guy. Who knows -- if he doesn't feel like talking much, he might even wear a red non-contact jersey.
Prediction: Game-day decision.
How about Favre starts in a daily fake sportscast, kind of like a Daily Show of sports journalism?
His deadpan sense of humor would be perfect for that. Have Norm MacDonald as co-host, and plenty of There's Something About Mary clips to cue up.
Prediction: Touchdown on a trick play.
The longevity factor
Since Favre couldn't bear to tear himself away from the football field, I've got to think it will be the same thing with announcing. Once he gets a feel for it, expect him to stay in that booth forever. He'll end up being the Pat Summerall of his generation. Long after his national broadcasting run is through, some network will put him out to pasture doing regional games. And maybe just to test if anyone is still watching, he'll stop shaving, and in the year 2049 you'll tune in and 80-year-old Brett Favre will be rocking the foot-long Rip Van Winkle beard.
Prediction: Taking a knee in victory formation.
And if none of that works out
Brett Favre can license his name to a football video game. Of course, even when you think the game should end, you're never sure if it will let you quit.
Star in a children's show. Call it Favre's Funny Farm where he stars as the friendly Wisconsin farmer with no shortage of homespun witticisms for the young-ins. Co-starring Mike Holmgren as the happy purple moo-cow.
