ClayNation: Pacman of college, Perrilloux didn't go out like the Jones

Former LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux is the Pacman Jones of college football. Perhaps even worse. Because Pacman didn't get in much trouble in college. Which, among other things, makes you wonder what passes for normal in Morgantown, W.V. Did Pacman stay out of trouble there because none of his friends would actually visit him in West Virginia, because he didn't have enough money to get in real trouble, or because he doesn't like to make it rain for strippers without teeth?

My theory is that he got in trouble all the time and people swept it under the rug because he was a good college football player. But we'll never know. Suffice it to say that if you get in lots of trouble in college you're done for once you leave college.

Though they play different positions entirely, Perrilloux and Pacman Jones have similar interests. (Getty Images)

What we now know is that Perrilloux's off-the-field college career made Pacman look like Peyton Manning. You read that correctly. Perrilloux is on a path where one day Pacman is going to be practicing wrestling moves in his outdoor wrestling ring with his homie Slugga and while taking breaks practicing the sleeper hold Pacman is going to say, "Man, that Perrilloux dude is crazy." Things have gotten that bad for Perrilloux.

That's the same game-changing Pacman -- an undoubtedly skilled corner who is one of the ten best in the league -- who is now only worth a fourth-round draft pick.

I'll be the first to admit I have no idea how NFL teams value players for trades anymore. That's because the trade metric seems incredibly skewed in favor of draft picks. It's as if every team believes they are going to draft a Pro Bowl player with every pick they make. Pacman to Dallas for a fourth-round pick? Why wouldn't every team in the NFL take that risk for a player that has Pacman's on-field talent at one of the toughest positions to draft for in the league (not to mention the punt return angle) and for a player that's only 24?

Randy Moss for a fourth-round pick last year? That's insanity.

No one will give up top picks for proven talent anymore. Yet just about every team, every year, will take guys in the third or fourth round who either don't make the team or don't dress for games. Basically the pendulum has swung way too far in terms of valuing draft picks over on-field performance. Even when that on-field performance is coupled with character issues.

Now that Pacman's leaving I think about two things; first, how much Pacman got screwed by Emperor Roger Goodell and the NFLPA. Love him or hate him, anyone with an ounce of intelligence can see that Pacman has been treated differently than every other NFL player in the history of the league. Player transgressions continue to file in and still Pacman is the only person to not serve jail time and get suspended for an entire year. Shameful justice, shameful.

Second, for some reason now that he's leaving, I find myself wondering what Pacman would be like as an old man. Can you picture him sitting on his porch in 2052 and complaining about youngsters having no respect for authority, the law, their jobs or their families?

Right now, all that's left of Pacman in my town of Nashville is his house. Which features, and I'm not making this up, an oil painting of Pacman's head hanging on the den wall.

Which troubled football star would you most want on your favorite team?   10%  Chris Henry     31%  Pacman Jones     19%  Tank Johnson     24%  Ricky Williams     16%  Ryan Perrilloux     Total Votes: 648

My issue with this is the same as my issue with LeBron James getting busts of himself in his house -- you know what you look like already. I can see a parent getting an oil painting done of their children or of their family. (Although I think getting paintings done of yourself in the 21st century is really weird too given the outmoded status of oil paintings. Ben Franklin needed an oil painting because cameras didn't exist. You, not so much. Are people going to be hanging up old Polaroid pictures in their den soon, too?)

But why would you ever get a painting done of yourself alone? If you even think about doing this it means you have major psychological issues. Don't believe me, put this in your own context. What if you said, "Hey, let's go hit the bar for two for Tuesdays." And your friend said "Nah man, I've got an after-work sitting scheduled with my portrait artist." How weird would you think this was?

Then, once the painting is complete, when you bring a friend over, do you pause in front of the painting and say, "You can see me clearly standing right in front of you, but until you see this oil painting of me, you don't really understand what I look like inside. The picture captures my passion." I hope not. But if any of that happened you'd never hang out with this person again, right? Not so with top athletes. Oil paintings are de rigueur.

Unlike Pacman, Perrilloux is not rich enough to have oil paintings of himself yet. But if tomorrow we found out Perrilloux was being sued by an oil-based portrait artist for paying him with counterfeit bills, would you be surprised? Of course not. Because we all know Perrilloux is the kind of guy who already has framed photographs of himself on counterfeit $100 bills hanging on the walls.

It's not just oil paintings as signatures of megalomania. I feel the same way about prominently displayed photographs that feature just one person. Like those newspaper wedding announcements where women include only a photo of themselves and not their husband-to-be? It's as if the woman is saying, "I can't possibly deprive the public of my beautiful headshot. We can't just have a text announcement. That's so lame."

In college one of my friends received a birthday present -- a photograph of him with the gift giver. In a nice frame. This is a horrible and stupid gift. First of all, you know what you look like. I don't need a picture of me. So, no thanks. Especially not for my birthday. Second, it's just you and the other person, not even a girlfriend or boyfriend, in the picture. Not a group shot or anything like that. Effectively then, you're giving that person a picture of you for their birthday. Gee, thanks, just what I was hoping for, a picture of you.

Gifted pictures aside, for the sake of ClayNation, I'm actually very sad to see Perrilloux geaux. Primarily because the combination of Perrilloux and Les Miles in the 2008 season was going to be comedic gold. I was already plotting a series of columns where Perrilloux and Miles just sat around and talked about random things. I had a column drafted where Perrilloux and Miles talked about why they liked the MTV television show The Hills.

But we all knew, eventually, Perriloux would be gone. Like Halley's Comet, Perrilloux and his counterfeit dollars, gunshot wounds and multiple Heisman trophies shot across the heavens. Only this time Halley's Comet didn't continue on its 76-year orbit around the Milky Way -- instead it plunged into the brackish swamps of Louisiana. So this metraphor sort of fizzles out pretty rapidly.

Known for his size and athleticism, Perrilloux's actions off the field caused his Bayou banishment. (Getty Images)

Nonetheless, Perrilloux's eventual dismissal from the team seems so anti-climatic. Like Margaret Mitchell getting hit by an ambulance in an Atlanta street while writing the sequel to Gone With the Wind. Perrilloux dismissed for violating team rules? Frankly, Ryan Perrilloux, we thought you gave more than a damn to go out like this.

Which is why I had to take this opportunity to list seven transgressions (one for each day of the week) I thought Perrilloux might commit that would lead to his being kicked off LSU's team:

1. Starting a boat shoes company in honor of former teammate Justin Vincent (aka the Rosa Parks of boat shoes) and making a billion dollars in revenue selling to educated black people. Yep, boat shoes have officially crossed the racial divide. At least according to the new website Stuff Educated Black People Like (Link courtesy of reader Junaid).

It's not common knowledge, but NCAA bylaw 24578.987.243(b) explicitly forbids, "The selling of boat shoes by scholarship athletes who happen to live in coastal communities because said coastal communities provide a clear disadvantage to those scholarship athletes who don't live in coastal communities and might otherwise like to start boat shoes selling companies."

2. Leaving LSU without authority and becoming Robert Mugabe's running mate in Zimbabwe's contested presidential election. Sample line, "People say inflation is a problem here, but I've always inflated my football talents by 154,965,356 percent. So, in closing, inflation isn't a problem at all."

3. Riding Mike the Tiger into the Kappa Delta sorority house while wearing a Viking helmet and purple soccer shinguards. (This remains my most favored reason).

4. Stealing pralines from school children for the past three years and stocking them for resell when Florida Gator girls return in 2009.

Perrilloux may have a future on Capitol Hill if his football career falls through. (Getty Images)

5. After watching the movie 21, attempting card-counting at Baton Rouge riverboat casinos with teammates. A ploy that equals millions in gambling losses when it's revealed that no LSU football player can reliably count higher than 14.

6. Stealing Les Miles' beaver pelt from the beaver pelt trader of the year victory and trying to trade it for a bucket of cranberry and vodka at Walk On's.

7. Resigning from the football team to join Louisiana congressman William J. Jefferson's office in Congress. (This is the greatest picture in history: Perrilloux on the steps of the White House with Congressman "Cold Storage" Jefferson looming in the background. There's fate, there's destiny, and then there's this picture.)

As Shakespeare would say, were he writing this tragedy: Goodnight, sweet Perrilloux.