I was 10 years old in 1989 when the Berlin Wall came tumbling down. I remember it well because a few weeks later, they started selling fake rubble from the wall at my local mall in Nashville. Leaving aside the huge question of who would have paid for pieces of concrete to be shipped across the ocean and why there was any belief people in Nashville would want them to help decorate their homes, I remember being very impressed with how quickly capitalism took root in the wake of totalitarianism. Not because I had a particularly complicated understanding of communism, capitalism or what eastern and western Europe were actually like, but just because a wall came down, and it seemed like a really big deal.
And it was. A new world order was ushered in, an empire crumbled, and eventually wild men like Sasha Vujacic could come over and play in the NBA and try to buy people's kidneys. The Berlin Wall coming down might have been the single most significant global event in my life until last week. Then things really got interesting -- Jefferson-Pilot/Lincoln Financial/Raycom Sports announced all their games are going to be in HD. Now the world looks an awful lot different than it used to.
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My public feud with JP/LF/Raycom began in the halcyon days of yesteryear -- way back in August of 2006 when I wrote a eulogy for Jefferson Pilot after Lincoln Financial purchased the network. The fine folks at JP/LF were nice enough to complain to my bosses at CBS about my ridicule of their broadcasts, and so I wasn't allowed to write about them for several months lest their feelings be hurt. I was told that I "really hurt their feelings."
So I wrote about their response to my column in my book. JP/LF cemented their status as the self-esteem-challenged sorority girl who runs through the fraternity house only to be cast aside time after time when the network changed hands again last year -- Raycom purchased LF Sports, which resulted in my quiz to see if you were qualified to be a Raycom broadcaster, and now, unbelievably, in the most remarkable of all the changes, the games themselves are going to be in HD -- beginning with the opener, Hawaii at Florida.
I've already received lots of emails from Gator fans asking if this is my revenge on them for last year's 59-20 thrashing of my Vols in Gainesville, a 12:30 kickoff on Aug. 30. I never thought I'd say it, but good luck to Gators fans.
Nevertheless I'd be lying if some part of me didn't think Raycom believes HD means physically at the Home Depot. I'm halfway expecting to turn on Hawaii at Florida and see Dave Rowe wearing an orange apron sitting underneath a covered swing-set saying, "Boy, have we got a great game to start off the 2008 season for you. Live at HD." Guffaws and chortles will ensue before we cut back to the broadcast to see sideline reporter Dave Baker sticking his head inside Albert the Alligator's mouth to better report on how hot it is for the mascot on an August game day on the surface of Hell.
But truth be told, I predicted that these 11:30 Central kickoffs would not be in HD until, conservatively, 2056. So, Home Depot or not, I'd like to extend my congratulations to JP/LF/Raycom. Of course, not before I share nine things I'm concerned about for the upcoming HD broadcasts.
1. Raycom + HD is like matter and antimatter colliding. Remember when they were doing that physics experiment, and there was an infinitesimal chance that the experiment would result in a black hole that would swallow the Earth and leave nothing behind? Yeah, Raycom + HD at least doubles those odds.
2. The HD cameras have to work. Say what you will about the Stalin-era cameras that JP/LF had, but some of the time there was an actual image on the screen. Granted, in live action it looked like ESPN Classic had just discovered the raw footage after eight years at the bottom of a pig trough, but it was there. What are the odds Raycom HD is a blank screen for the first month of the season? The answer is high, my friends, very high. 3. Dave Rowe is going to be in HD. You know how some people, such as me and all WNBA players not named Candace Parker, should never be televised in HD? Prepare yourself. Especially because Rowe seems to always be lunging in the direction of the camera. It's possible he'll become the first person in HD history to fill up the entire screen. 4. The picture in HD is better than in real life. You know how you could tell the announcers were making mistakes with insignificant details like the names of the opposing teams, the score and the decade? But the picture was so bad you thought you might be the one making the mistake. At least when you'd already had 10 beers. How much more frustrating is this going to make the broadcasts when the picture actually resembles something from the 21st century? 5. The JP/LF/Raycom production crew's inevitable distraction when they spend commercial breaks watching feeds of SEC girls for the first time in HD -- especially when they broadcast Vanderbilt-Georgia from the cleavage capital of America: Athens, Ga. Let's just say we're going to miss a few plays. Not that this will be a surprise, but still, it's going to happen. 6. Vanderbilt-Ole Miss in HD.
7. Someone's going to push the wrong button and the purple pill Nexium first-down line is going to result in a purple telecast. 8. How are they going to dispose of the old cameras? Those things were made back when the dangers of radioactive waste were undiscovered. If they try to burn them, the temperature in Georgia is going to increase by 10 degrees for the next 15 years. Tim Brando will blame the consistent haze on "tornadic activity," but we'll all know the real cause.
9. Alabama fans without televisions showing up at Home Depot to watch the game because they heard Raycom was now in HD. If I worked at Home Depot I'd be insuring against the resulting riots right now.
Until then, the SEC's own Berlin Wall is down, rejoice.
