The 2008 All-Star festivities are upon us and with that comes the mind-blowing experience known as the Home Run Derby. This is baseball's version of the slam dunk contest.
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The only difference is that it's 10 times worse, with the wonderful cherry on top being the ultra-fresh "back-back-back-back" calls after each and every home run.
Far gone are the entertaining derbies with cartoonish sluggers like Mark McGwire who brought that rare "holy crap I can't wait to see if he actually hits it out with his forearm" buzz, and as a result the event has lacked that extra juice ever since, pun intended.
Of the past five contests, two of the winners were Garrett Anderson and Bobby Abreu. Riveting stuff indeed.
So with that in mind, I have taken the liberty of creating events for this year's derby participants to partake in around the glorious city of New York that might be just a bit more exciting than the derby itself.
Rooftop Bar Parachute Jumping with Grady Sizemore & Chase Utley
The Indians' notorious boob juggler faces off against the Phillies' professional ass sorcerer. Both men will suit up and parachute across the great Manhattan skyline to various superficial rooftop bars such as Soho House, 230 5th and Hotel Gansevoort to hobnob with the most delectable, coveted sea of cleavage the city has to offer. Whoever consistently gets steamrolled by the largest horde of booty wins an all-expenses-paid orgy at A-Rod's penthouse in Trump Tower. Loser gets to listen A-Rod discuss in excruciating detail, his favorite opposite field home run.
West Village Breakthrough & Conquer with Josh Hamilton
The Rangers stud centerfielder, who has 95 freaking RBI but also carries a checkered past, gets stationed in the West Village for a sober breakthrough-and-conquer mission, something any 20-something would find challenging in a city like New York.
Starting on the corner of Bleecker and Barrow and running up and down each side street all the way to West 12th, Hamilton would have to successfully dodge all 106 of the seedy drug dealers and their enticing, albeit inflated proposals without the help of his trusty sponsor.
If he can somehow make it sober through this maze of inviting temptation, he'll be immediately rewarded with a sugar-free chocolate sundae. His second prize is free neck-to-knee ink at any one of the myriad tattoo parlors along the route. And his final prize is delivering a devastating DDT to the first dude he sees that looks like Amy Winehouse.
Dan's Coyote Ugglies
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| Instead of the home run derby, Uggla's Ugglies will be raising hell in Coyote Ugly Monday night. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
Now let's get real here: The last time I was at Coyote Ugly there were no Piper Perabos or Maria Bellos, but there were plenty of devils-hot dames working there who could straight up break your spine -- if you were lucky enough.
So we're telling Uggla's Ugglies to only order water and making this one a straight-up bar brawl. If things go the way they should, the entire place will be bumpin' Uggla's by the end of the night.
The Jewish Argument Tour of NYC with Ryan Braun
Ryan Braun takes a tour of New York City -- Jewish-style -- and will be called upon to get into an argument at every stop. The highly cantankerous and laboring trip starts at Katz's Deli, where he will be forced to eschew pastrami, saying it's too fattening.
From there he'll take the L over to Brooklyn, where he will somehow have to make his case against an orthodox Jew as to why he rolls on the Sabbath. Then it's back to Manhattan and up to 47th Street to tell a diamond dealer that his product comes from spilled blood.
Finally and obviously, he crosses town to order soup incorrectly from the real-life Soup Nazi. Oy vey this will be ugly. (Note: This tour should take roughly five days.)
Public Shaving of Lance Berkman in Times Square
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| It's time for Lance to ditch the Flowbee and get a proper haircut. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
I don't know when they made it mandatory for there to always be at least one hairy Astro, but it's time to clean this slob up before he enters Yankee Stadium. He looks like he has been cutting his hair with a factory-defective Flowbee and shaving his face with a kitchen knife.
Evan Longoria & Justin Morneau's 'Walk Around Manhattan Until Someone Recognizes Us' Game
The late entrants into the competition, one of whom confidently boasted, "I guess they needed another guy," will take their own humbling tour of New York City simply by walking around busy areas of Manhattan until someone notices them.
Longoria certainly has put up some great numbers this year, but there isn't a chance in hell that anyone can put a face with his name. The person who finally does spot him will likely be some emotionally distraught Yankee fan who will crack, "Hey, it's Eva Longoria!" and sadly think it's funny.
As soon as this happens, Morneau will counter by ripping open his dress shirt to reveal a 2006 MVP t-shirt and arrogantly shouting, "Remember boys, no points for second place."
Welcome to New York, guys.
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