| ||||||||||||||||||||
Next week on Wednesday night, HBO returns with Hard Knocks, the sports reality series that will chronicle for the fourth time an NFL team's journey through training camp and preseason, with this year's team of course being the no-frills Dallas Cowboys.
This will be Dallas's second go-round in the series and although this year's version has yet to air, it's almost certain to best their ill-fated debut in 2002, which proved to be more painful than being treated to an unexpected Dutch oven from Flozell Adams.
In that installment, cameras followed around a visibly desperate Emmitt Smith clinging on to his last year as a Cowboy, a display similar to watching Ric Flair stumble around a wrestling ring at age 59 with an old leather bomber jacket for a face and saggy boobs that threw punches more violently than his fists. Of course, Smith would later re-invent himself and prove the naysayers wrong in that memorable, vindicating run with the Arizona Cardinals.
|
|
| In a former life, Jerry Jones was simply a ventriloquist's dummy. A really creepy one. (Getty Images) |
Then, well, then there was Quincy Carter and Chad Hutchinson, the two gunslingers who "battled" each other, but mostly themselves, for the coveted starting quarterback role. They would end up combining for more fumbles (17) than touchdowns (14). Inspiring. Much to my surprise, neither of them can be found on rosters for the 2008 season.
And that was it. There was no one else interesting on that team, which weighed heavily on why that show sucked. That team sucked. Shocking no one, they finished 5-11.
That brings us to this year's Cowboys, a team absolutely loaded with arguably the most screwed up bunch of idiots (albeit, talented idiots) Jerry Jones has ever assembled, and that's saying a lot.
Much like the Baltimore Ravens had in 2001's version of Hard Knocks, with colorful, amusing characters like Shannon Sharpe, Tony Siragusa and Rod Woodson pulling pranks, as well as innocently moronic rookies like Todd Heap, the Cowboys offer the same juice in nearly every respect.
The big story back then was of course freshly crowned Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis answering questions about his controversial plea bargain to the Atlanta murder charges. Similarly, the big story this time will be Pacman Jones and all the special crap he brings following his memorable night in Vegas that led to a historic one-year suspension.
So it's no coincidence that the last time this show was actually worth watching was with those Ravens. This one will be just as good, likely better.
And in the present age of nonstop, TMZ-style coverage of sports, particularly on his camera shy QB and strip club shy DB, it'll be interesting to see how Jerry Jones will handle outside distractions if something were to occur while the series is being filmed. It certainly would be stupid of him to pretend nothing is going on.
Anyway, here's a look at what to expect from some of the key characters in play and how to handle your viewing experience through what I expect to be an emotional rollercoaster:
Jerry Jones -- Expect to see a lot of him, and when you do see him, expect for his face to look like it's permanently stuck inside an intense wind tunnel. But don't be surprised if he finally concedes that he resembles a deceased leprechaun and by the third episode, he just slaps logos of the team's most high profile sponsors like Pepsi and Pizza Hut, all over his face. Marketing dollars will soar and fear will subside. And don't get offended if the first episode includes a ceremonial burning of Terry Glenn's jersey while Jones sinisterly smiles in approval -- it could happen. Finally, not if but when he discusses or mentions the team's new upcoming stadium, that look on his face is him getting aroused. It's OK and somewhat standard practice to vomit here.
|
|
| Meet Pacman Jones, the former wrestling, strip club enthusiast, now just a guy named Adam. (Provided to CBSSports.com) |
Orlando Scandrick -- A rookie who has "major character concerns" and whose "off-the-field issues will need to get squared away." Can't wait to meet him.
Zach Thomas -- Forehead. Lots of forehead. A series like this coupled with playing on a very visible, high profile team like the Cowboys could finally pry that elusive "movie screen forehead" title away from Peyton Manning and be given to its rightful, deserving owner, Zach Thomas.
Wade Phillips -- Tough season ahead for Wade begins now, with a lot of questions to answer about never delivering in big games coupled with expectations being at an all-time high. If he doesn't have wing sauce all over his shirt when he's answering any of these questions, eat your entire dinner in dramatic, slow motion. More importantly, will Wade finally rock the fauxhawk?
Roy Williams -- If he comes clean to the cameras and finally admits he's overrated, immediately horse-collar the first person you see and then sing a crappy Destiny's Child song in Roy's honor.
Tank Johnson -- Another exciting "second chance" guy on the Cowboys roster. Expect him to mention how much of a changed person he is these days and for coaching staff members to absolutely rave about his full turn not only as a player, but more importantly as a man. Every time this happens, hit the person sitting closest to you over the head with a steel chair and then taunt the invisible crowd in your living room.
Tony Romo -- If you witness any moment in this series where Romo isn't smirking like he just re-upped on his lucrative deal with the devil, start a mosh pit with your dog.
Terrell Owens -- Even without half of the guys mentioned in this column, the show would still do great simply by the genius presence of T.O. HBO has to be freakin' drooling. Any time they show him, throw on a pair of aviators, a homoerotic red leather jacket, and let the waterfall ensue.
To read more emotionally gripping sports satire like this, check out The Sports Hernia Blog for daily updates.
