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It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that the Olympic Games have seen a dip in popularity in recent years. When it comes right down to it, the Olympics are just plain old. Old, old, old. The "Modern" games have been happening since 1896, while the original Olympics were first recorded in 776 BC. If my year-old iPhone is already out of date, that makes the Olympics positively fossilized.
The main problem for viewers is that it's hard to get excited about sports you only care about for a few weeks every four years. I mean, do you know anyone who actually keeps up with discusblog.com? And are you waiting for Javelin Hero to hit the Xbox 360? Of course not. You'll watch bits and pieces of the Olympics here and there, but really just because you want to see highlights of Kobe Bryant posterizing some overmatched Angolan shooting guard.
Which is why the whole idea of the Olympics needs to be updated for this day and age. We need events that resonate with the short-attention-span-having, Ritalin-addicted, Internet-speed-loving masses. What do I have in mind? Here are just a few events that could spice up the Olympic Games.
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Guitar Hero
If you think it takes practice to precisely throw a javelin, try catching up to the notes on some of the unlockable songs in Guitar Hero III. Maybe I'm just uncoordinated, but when that game gets tough, my skills are more zero than hero. As for an Olympic event, wouldn't you love to see teenagers from around the world get hopped up on Red Bull and try to win a gold "metal" by guitar-syncing "Raining Blood?" Way!
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MMA
As if Mixed Martial Arts wasn't intense enough already, imagine if fighters wasn't just pummeling the crap out of someone for themselves -- but for their whole country! You can't tell me that watching Kimbo Slice sit on some poor Frenchman's face with his beard dyed red, white and blue wouldn't make for compelling TV.
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Mini Golf
If the Olympic committee really wanted to show that it's a small world after all, it should build a Mini Golf course that showcases a different country on each hole. We'd watch as the world's best Mini Golfers maneuvered around a mini Great Wall of China, drive through a mini Eiffel Tower, knock the ball up the tusk of a mini African Elephant, and then finish things off by blasting the ball through a big ol' American doughnut and into a cup of coffee.
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That tricycle drinking game from 'Revenge of the Nerds'
How great would this be? Each country sends its best drinker to ride around a track in a tricycle, having to drink a beer every lap. Everyone would be falling all over each other, but not wanting to pass out for fear of looking like a sissy in front the rest of the drinking world. Best of all, every country would be able to compete! They might not be able to field a baseball team in some parts of the world, but they can definitely find one dude who wants to get trashed on three wheels.
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Poker
Much like MMA, Poker has seen a massive surge in popularity in the last few years. So let's make it an Olympic sport. Plenty of the guys in the TV tournaments are from different countries, so let them battle for money and an Olympic medal. It'll be great. Just imagine the drama if the final table featured an Israeli, an Italian, a Muslim and Chris "Jesus" Ferguson?
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Rap battle
Think hip-hop was created in America? Well, it was. But that doesn't mean other countries aren't getting in on the fun. So let's see which country has the best skillz these days. If you'd rather watch people run hurdles than listen to a real live rap battle between an MC from Afghanistan and the best rapper New Zealand has to offer, then you be trippin'.
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'Iron Chef'
Already one of the most competitive events out there, Iron Chef would be even more delicious if there were medals at stake. Plus, the show could use a little branching out. I'm guessing there are chefs from outside of the U.S, Europe and Asia that would love the chance to cook in kitchen stadium. You think a chef from Costa Rica or rural India can't get creative with one ingredient? Please.
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Cannonball Run
NASCAR might be the "fastest growing sport in America," but it's not exactly the most convenient activity to take up in say, Namibia. But if we lower the criteria from driving a state-of-the-art race car to simply owning anything with four wheels, that changes things. Which is why there should be some sort of coast-to-coast rally in the 2008 Olympics. Have the teams start off in Beijing, and have to race all the way around the country and back. We can even get Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise involved for old times' sake.
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Dodgeball
While it would be fun to have kickball or wiffle ball in the Olympics, they're both just silly forms of baseball. Dodgeball, on the other hand, is a unique kids' game that would stand out in Olympic competition. Imagine the teams in garish, flag-inspired uniforms straight out of the Average Joes vs. Purple Cobras matchup, and you' can see how appealing an Olympic sport this would be.
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Chess
Simply because we need another excuse to upset a heavily favored Russian opponent. It has been far too long.
