Futurepedia: Breaking the Ice with Hockey Moms

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

Would you vote for a "Hockey Mom" to become president?   16%  Maybe     22%  Never     61%  Of course     Total Votes: 85

How Hockey Moms Thawed Their Ice Queen Image

2008: The phrase "Hockey Mom" enters the U.S. popular lexicon in August 2008 when Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is introduced as the vice presidential nominee on the Republican ticket for the presidential election. It immediately has more cache than previous "sports chaperon" political groups such as Soccer Mom, NASCAR Dad, Golfing Grampa, Iditarod Brother, Roller Derby Half-Sister, Table Tennis Twin, Fox Hunting Foster Parent, Surfing Step-dad, Bullfighting Aunt, Shuttlecock Uncle, Kung Fu Cousin, Ultimate Frisbee Unemployed Second Cousin and Rodeo Clown Ex-Wife.

2011: Vice President Sarah Palin becomes the first Hockey Mom U.S. President, but under freak, tragic circumstances: John McCain is mortally wounded after a hockey puck hits him in the neck off an errant slap shot by Alexander Ovechkin at a Phoenix Coyotes-Washington Capitals game. (Trivia: Of the three Hockey Moms who have been U.S. President since Palin, she is the only one who never attended a hockey game while in office.)

2013: The Ford Motor Co. shows its first quarterly profit in years thanks to a hybrid car aimed at the Hockey Mom demographic: a Minivan/Zamboni conversion that runs on Tim Horton's decaffeinated coffee.

2014: The North American Hockey Moms Association votes that their official beverage will be "Mother Puckers" hard lemonade, which is sold exclusively at Mano's Grill and Brewhouse in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Though you probably wouldn't want to take home any of the Hockey Moms you meet there after 11 p.m.

2015: In just one example of how eager the world is to hop on the Hockey Mom bandwagon, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman resigns his post so he can get a sex change operation.

The First Family of hockey completed their domination of the sport with Janet's HHOF induction. (Provided to CBSSports.com)

2016: Janet Gretzky is the first Hockey Mom to be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto. Souvenirs in her exhibit include the December 1988 issue of Playboy she posed for, her brochure from husband Wayne's Hall of Fame induction, and the receipts from the vacation she took at an Atlantic City casino to celebrate.

2021: A brief anti-Hockey Mom backlash peaks with brisk sales of the T-shirt: "Hockey Moms Change Their Pads Every Three Periods."

2024: The North American Hockey Moms Association branches into health care by opening its own Lasik institute in Vancouver. The institute is unique in that it is the only Lasik operation that hands out fake glasses to its patients -- because classy, understated glasses are a key component to the sexy Hockey Mom look.

2032: During the victory celebration after Game 7 of the NHL finals in which the Tampa Bay Lightning defeat the El Paso Eskimos, the team Hockey Moms use the bowl atop the Stanley Cup to mix the best damn margaritas in NHL history. Just add copious amounts of Cabo Wabo tequila and make sure someone's stereo is blasting "Ice, Ice Baby."

EDITOR'S NOTE: Thus completes Vol. 1 of "Futurepedia: The Shape of Sports to Come." Look for future gazings into the Futurepedia Sports Crystal Ball in upcoming weekly installments of the SPiN on Sports Pop Culture Standings.