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My fondest memory of a Vanderbilt football game is when our fraternity president taped an IV bag filled with Jack Daniels to his back and snuck it past security at Vanderbilt Stadium.
He ran the connecting tube down his shirt sleeve so he could dispense it from a valve taped to his wrist, and after everyone made respective trips to the concession stand (for extra large Cokes and extra large cups of ice), the IV bar was open.
I don't remember who we played that day, which probably speaks to two specific problems 1) the terrible state of Vanderbilt football in the mid-1990s, and 2) my taste for Jack Daniels in college.
I always remember that game against that faceless opponent whenever Vanderbilt starts teasing its students and alumni with the prospect of a bowl appearance, which has been going on since 1982.
That's right, the Commodores haven't had a winning season since I was in third grade. Sure, the school has won national titles in women's bowling and ... um ... that's it. But Vanderbilt hasn't cobbled together a bowl-eligible season in more than a quarter century.
Sgt. Hulka: "How's that sound to you, mister?" John Winger: "I think it sucks."
Honestly, it'd be funny if it weren't so sad. And to our SEC opponents, I'm sure it IS the height of hilarity. Ya know, except maybe to those Cocks in South Carolina, who got a taste of Vanderbilt football 2008 last Thursday.
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| Vandy proves you can win and still make funny faces behind your coach in pictures. (US Presswire) |
Vanderbilt is now 2-0 for only the second time since 1989. The other time we started out this well (4-0 in 2005), we lost the next six games, then rallied in the finale, beating Tennessee for the first time since the Battle of Chancellorsville.
It was a moral victory, something Vanderbilt has perfected over the years; to which I say, screw moral victories. We need to parlay last week's win over South Carolina into a freaking bowl appearance, and that means four more victories. Step one is beating Rice this Saturday, which should be easy, since Rice is filled with students and athletes who couldn't get into Vanderbilt.
After that, we need to patch together three more victories. I say 'we' because it's less embarrassing than writing 'the Commodores.'
As a committed realist, I don't see Vandy picking up wins against these three highly ranked opponents: Auburn, Georgia, Florida. Consequently, the team has to get three wins from this pool of opponents: @Mississippi, Mississippi State, Duke, @ Tennessee, @Wake Forest.
Can it be done? Not if we have to rely on misplayed punts every week.
Our defense is stout, but our quarterback, Chris Nickson, reminds me of Kordell Stewart -- not the version who threw The Pass to Michael Westbrook at Colorado, but the version who threw away the 1997 AFC Championship Game.
As a Steelers fan, I'm allowed to say that.
Frankly, I wish Vanderbilt would run the counter tray with Jared Hawkins 30-40 times a game. Get him out in the open field and he'll be punking d-backs like Jacobs punked Landry in the Kickoff Game.
Mind you, I'm making these sweeping generalizations after watching one Vanderbilt game this year. The one Erin Andrews was at. You saw her, right? Nectar.
Vanderbilt was just one win from bowl eligibility last season (and leading Tennessee 24-9 in the second half) when the wheels came off. In fact, the team only had to win one of their final four games to earn a postseason appearance. Naturally they soiled the sheets and lost out -- which, after all, is Vanderbilt football.
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| Visions of Kordell Stewart don't really help Chris Nickson's stock in the NFL. (US Presswire) |
That said, I'm as excited by the prospects of this season as everyone else in the Vanderbilt community. I've already told my wife: If they make it to their first bowl since 1982, I'm definitely going to the game, even if it's in Detroit. Granted, I said the same thing in 2005 and 2007, but this year is different, since we have a real legitimate chance or something.
Like everyone else who's suffered through this epic stretch of football ignominy, I desperately want to believe in Vanderbilt football. I want to believe the entire athletic department has finally turned the corner for good. The basketball team has been really competitive in recent years, and so have the baseball and bowling teams. But really, nothing compares to a competitive collegiate football team.
Or so I've heard.
The bottom line? I want to have pride in my alma mater's football program. I want to attend a bowl game in my lifetime. Dammit, I want to tape an IV bag to my back and party like I'm 21 again.
Come on, is that really asking so much?
Cameron Martin also writes for Bugs&Cranks and Comcast SportsNet New England. You can reach him at cdavidmartin@yahoo.com.
